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You can smell it in the air. Desperation. It’s that time of year when college students like yourself are realizing you’ll be done with the school year soon, and the apartment you rented looks like a meth den. Sure, you could do the ethical thing and just let the landlord keep your deposit, but that’s not your style. No, you’re going to fight this one to the bitter end, no matter how pointless and stupid it is.

I’m here to help you make it stupider. If you follow these bits of advice, you’ll get back at least $3 of your $800 deposit. Guaranteed! By the newspaper, not me. Please forward all bills to the newspaper. They’re totally on board with this. I’m not just making it up to anger them.

- Use warm water mixed with a small amount of bleach to remove all those giant penises and satanic pentagrams you drew on the wall with a magic marker.

- Help your landlord out by painting all your walls black. It’s a neutral, classy color that hides imperfections well.

- If your walls are white and have holes from hanging artwork, use toothpaste to fill them. Toothpaste is also great for drawing eyebrows on your roommate while they’re asleep, as a low cost form of cupcake frosting and, in a pinch, for lubrication while masturbating.
- Before moving out, remember to remove your drugs from the attic crawl space, loose floorboard in the den, hollowed out banister on the stairs, light fixtures, basement crawl space, air conditioning duct, and the stuff you taped to the inside of the toilet tank. Lenny went to great lengths to get those illegal drugs for you. When you take his hard work for granted, it causes his anxiety to start acting up again. Poor Lenny.

- If the damage you caused to your floor over the years allows you to wave hello to your downstairs neighbor, you’re probably not getting your deposit back. Sorry.

- If you’ve lived in an apartment six years or longer, you can pretty much claim anything as “general wear and tear”. This includes the damage from when your drunk friend tried to break through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

- Don’t try to clean window blinds. It’s impossible. Just paint them. Alternatively, break into your neighbor’s apartment while he’s gone at work and steal his blinds.

- Did you take photos when you moved in, to prove the condition of the apartment? Ah, you didn’t do that. Well then. You’re screwed.

- When you moved in, did you fill out the damage report or did your landlord walk through the apartment with you and fill it out himself? Ha! Oh my God, you’re going to put his kids through college. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just that you’re so stupid.

- When cleaning the bathroom, try not to think about how that ring of buildup in your toilet is actually years worth of your own feces and pubes that have hardened into a brown crust.

- If you live on the top floor of the building, dump all your unwanted furniture, garbage and dead bodies on the roof. Your landlord won’t find it for months, and will probably blame it on someone else. You can also abandon items on the fire escape, in the elevator, or even just throw stuff off the fire escape and see if it hits someone. State law dictates that the last person to touch it owns it.

- Don’t ever hire the illegal immigrants outside Home Depot to clean your apartment. They’ll make you buy them lunch! It’s almost like they’re not your slaves at all.

- Remember to take a wet cloth and clean all the pubes from the inside of your refrigerator. There are a lot of them.

- Make sure to call the utility companies and give them a shut off date for your electricity and water, especially if utilities are paid for by your landlord. He’ll be totally pissed!

- Just hire a cleaning service. The cheap ones are usually quite affordable, and only a small percentage of them will brainwash you into a doomsday cult with mandatory ritual suicide.

- If all else fails (and it will. These tips are not helpful at all), you could always just drop a deuce in the middle of your living room. Place a thank you card next to it so the landlord knows you’re classy.