News & Articles

Duluth to destroy, replace
all buildings over 35 years old

Ending weeks of speculation, Duluth City Hall today issued a directive ordering all buildings in the city that are more than 35 years old torn down and new ones built in their place. Within hours of the announcement, City Hall was deluged with calls from citizens wanting to keep their homes.
“Admittedly, this might put a strain on some property owners,” Duluth’s  Chief Administrative Officer David Montgomery told reporters on the steps of City Hall, “but I think they’ll understand that it’s in everybody’s best interests. We feel that any building more than 35 years old is really inefficient and kind of ugly, too—you know, like the library. We feel it is more prudent to replace them than look at them anymore. The bulldozers roll tomorrow.”
As a gesture of goodwill, the city is offering half-price aquarium memberships to the estimated 17,000 families whose homes are slated for destruction, Montgomery said.


Grade-schoolers raise funds
for streets

The city of Duluth and Independent School District 709 have finalized a deal that will fix Duluth’s streets.
Starting this week, grade school students throughout the district will raise street-repair funds for the city by selling chocolate bars on a monthly subscription basis to all their friends and relatives. Each month, for the low, low price of $4.99, their loved ones will receive a delicious chocolate bar (with or without crispy rice) in the mail.
“It’s like pushing a money button,”  Independent School District 709 Superintendent Bill Gronseth told reporters. “Parents and loved ones just automatically buy whatever their kid is peddling. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before.”
Under the agreement, the school district will retain 30 percent of the proceeds, Nestle  will get 35 percent, and the city will get the remaining 35 percent for street repair. Students will be offered cheap plastic trinkets as rewards for meeting sales goals.
Mayor Ness gushed about the deal “We are going to have some really nice streets,” Ness promised.

Duluthians line up at possible chain restaurant site

Approximately fifty Duluthians lined up near a vacant lot on Central Entrance today, on rumors that the site may someday be home to a new chain restaurant.
“I hope it’s an Old Spaghetti Factory,” said Ben Greene, who was taking time off from his job as an internet entrepreneur to secure his place in line. “I went to an Old Spaghetti Factory in Minneapolis once. It was fantastic. I’m hoping to recapture that feeling.”
The first person in line, Piedmont resident Pamela Hoffenschnocker, said that she had missed out on standing in lines at other chain restaurants in Duluth, such as the Olive Garden, Five Guys Burgers, Chipotle, Panera, and Buffalo Wild Wings, but she was not going to miss out on standing in this line.
“My instinct tells me that it’s going to be a Ruby Tuesday,” Ms. Hoffenschnocker told reporters, peeking out of her sleeping bag. “I am going to be the first person in Duluth to order a Portabella Crispy Onion Pretzel Cheeseburger.”
 
New developments at Spirit Mountain

In a move to boost revenue, eleven new alpine coasters were unveiled today at Spirit Mountain. “This way, whole families can race each other down the mountain,” said Chief Adventure Park Operator Renee Mattson. The new attraction is expected to make Spirit Mountain entirely self-sustaining. Another development on the ski hill is the opening of a new pipeline that runs from Grand Avenue to the top of the hill. Designed in conjunction with the new Grand Avenue entrance to the Zoo so as to be aesthetically pleasing and harmonious with nature, the inlet on Grand Avenue sucks up pedestrians and spits them out at the top of the hill, where they have no choice but to pay for a chair lift ride back down.

“It’s not a huge dollar amount,” said Mattson. “With most of the locals, you can only catch them two or three times before they learn to walk on the other side of the road. But every little bit helps.”  Councilor thinks something is “really wonderful”
Earlier this morning, while speaking with colleagues, City Councilor Emily Larson was overheard saying that something was “really wonderful.” Speculation is running rampant in City Hall as to what that might be.

Library diversifies services

In a brave attempt to save the Duluth Public Library from the wrecking ball, the library board this week voted to expand library services to include actual ore-boat work.
The library’s first job as a bulk carrier went well. It was a relatively short trip, with the library taking on a load of coal at the Midwest Energy Terminal in Superior and bringing it to the ore docks in Silver Bay. Spirits seemed high among the library’s crew, despite their inexperience.
“It’s very educational,” said one young lady in a hardhat and slicker, who spoke to us as she coiled a rope. “When I signed up to be a library intern, I must say I never expected this.”
The library plans to operate as an ore boat on Saturdays and Sundays only, to minimize the impact on regular library services.

Trail user group seeks attention

Hikers, bikers, runners, skiers, snowmobilers, ATV riders, and horse riders are not the only trail users in Duluth, but they generate all the attention. That was the message delivered today by Mark Erkkila, president of Somersaulters of the Western Arrowhead, or SOTWA, in a statement to the city council.
“You spent weeks talking with equestrians about their needs,” said Mr. Erkkila, pacing back and forth, “—but never contacted the somersaulting community once. They feel like they’re being ignored.”
According to Erkkila, the biggest concern of somersaulters is horse droppings. “Mountains of dung in the trail make our sport very challenging, as you might imagine—especially in the springtime, when a horse’s diet is mostly new grass. It’s really indescribable. You’re rolling along at a good clip, enjoying the day, when you come around a bend in the trail and suddenly you’re rolling through greasy green manure, hands and feet sliding in all directions…” He broke off, shuddering. “We feel that horses on city trails should be required to wear diapers. The technology already exists; it’s just a matter of finding the political will.”
Erkkila also highlighted the issue of people who like to somersault along the Lakewalk—a group he described as “small, but very passionate.”
“They feel threatened by the surrey bikers, who travel too fast and veer unpredictably from side to side,” said Erkkila. “It would not take a lot of money to stripe out a special somersaulting lane on the Lakewalk. More importantly, it would be the right thing to do, and could cement Duluth’s place at the forefront of the somersaulting tourism trade”

City: Enger Tower more than 35 years old, must come down

Duluth city officials today convened a press conference at the base of Enger Tower to announce that they will be tearing the tower down.
“This structure is more than 35 years old,” Senior City Engineer Brock Landrick told reporters. “I can hardly stand to look at it any more. Plus, the energy loss is incredible. I mean, there is no glass in those windows. Demolishing it seems like our best option.”
Landrick said the city plans to build a new Enger Tower downtown, on top of the new library.

Park Point S-Curve moved to top of Lake Avenue

In an effort to plan ahead for possible heavier traffic near a proposed hotel, the city moved the Park Point S-curve to the top of Lake Avenue. Mesaba Avenue was rerouted and nine Central Hillside residences were moved to make room for the new curve. A new viaduct also had to be built over I-35, and a new lift bridge had to be built next to the existing lift bridge. But the work is all done now, and it looks great! Check it out the next time you’re in the area.

Officer Gothner receives Peacemaker Award

Superior Chief of Police Nicholas Alexander  announced on Tuesday that Officer George Gothner was the recipient of the city’s Peacemaker Award, given every two years to a city employee who has “made a positive contribution toward the goal of a gentler world.”
“It was hard for George to hear people accusing him of beating civilians,” said Chief Alexander alluding to graphic video footage of Officer Gothner that surfaced early in 2014. “But the fact remains that the parking lot at the Keyport Lounge that night was a much gentler place when George was finished.”
As recipient of the Peacemaker Award, Officer Gothner will develop a seminar to train his fellow police officers in ways of dealing with civilians. Lesson One will be titled, “How to Tell Someone to Shut the F*** Up in a Way That Shows You Care.”
“It practically wrote itself,” chuckled Gothner, gently caressing the trophy.
In addition to attending lectures, each officer will also be required to complete three Gothner-inspired physical-training exercises, known as the Gestures of Peace: (1) Enraged charging across a parking lot; (2) Finger shaking fury; and (3) Uppercut basics.

With the Gestures of Peace mastered, Gothner promises, police officers will find that people become much more cooperative—maybe even nicer.
“It’s all about building relationships,” said Gothner, pausing to kick a nearby kitten. “Relationships and trust.”

Overheard

Several Duluth city councilors have been overheard using the words “prudent” and “$35 million” and “WHEEEEE