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Duluth Reader columnist Paul Ryan, the only staff member who regularly writes humor for the newspaper, has once again contributed absolutely nothing to the annual April Fools issue. According to several eyewitnesses, Ryan has been “dicking around all goddamn weekend” instead of writing.

Ryan also contributed zero articles to last year’s April Fools edition. He stated that he couldn’t write because his wife had died, yet there is no public record of him ever being married. In 2013, Ryan claimed he was visiting a remote region of China without access to phones or computers, yet a brief glance at his Instagram showed he was actually visiting a local grilled cheese festival. Back in 2012, Ryan claimed to have broken both his hands in a “misunderstanding” at a strip club.

In 2011, Ryan was unemployed and claimed he wasn’t drunk enough to be funny. He would only participate if the publisher sent him a $95 bottle of bourbon. In 2010, Ryan said his computer keyboard was too sticky and was being professionally cleaned the entire weekend. In 2009, Ryan announced he had cancer, and then on April 1 sent an email joyfully revealing the fatal illness to be a joke. In 2008, the single article Ryan submitted seemed to be a plagiarized grade-schooler’s book report of “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

“Hey, fuck you,” said Ryan, when asked about the controversy. “I had a lot to do today, okay? I had to walk the dog. That took like 15 minutes. I went to the bathroom twice today. That’s 30 seconds that God took from me. Then I had to drink three beers. That took a lot longer than I thought since I had just brushed my teeth. At 4pm, I saw a lady on TV who reminded me of this girl I liked in high school, so I had to spend 3-4 hours beating one out. I was going to begin writing at 8pm, but The Walking Dead season finale started downloading from BitTorrent, so I just sat there and watched the progress bar move. I suppose I could have written something while it downloaded, but I wasn’t really in a “writing mood”. After watching the show, I found myself very traumatized by the violence, so I had to drink three more beers. Things are just really busy for me right now.”

When asked why he didn’t write the articles on Saturday, Ryan said his creative process doesn’t allow him to begin writing more than three hours before an assignment is due.

Paul Whyte has once again written all 47 April Fools articles himself this year, becoming so overworked and delirious that many of the articles were actually poor enough to be mistaken for Ryan’s writing. Specifically “Mayor Ness eats wet pile of dog shit for charity,” “Secret ingredient of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is human foreskins” and “Sam Cook’s shart at Black History Month dinner offends most.”

The last time Ryan properly contributed to the April Fools edition was in 2007, when he wrote a 70-word blurb about low-flow showers being made mandatory throughout the Twin Ports. “The article not being true is what makes it funny,” he wrote to the editor in the accompanying email.

“I don’t mind that he doesn’t contribute, but I wish he would stop entering my articles into awards competitions under his own name,” said Whyte. “I don’t even know what an Abercrombie & Fitch Spirit of Journalism Award means.”

Both of Ryan’s fans stand by his sad, depressing laziness.

“Paul is so talented,” said Yvette Ryan, Paul’s mom. “All of his jokes are so funny, and he’s just such a talented young man. He’s my perfect son. Did I mention that he’s talented? Make sure to mention that he’s talented. I’ll call him later and remind him again, but please also make sure it’s in the article.”

“I don’t care who writes it,” said Todd Gack of Superior, WI. “As long as there’s a lot of dick jokes and it’s disrespectful to women, I’ll enjoy reading it. Get his brother to do it, or some random hobo off the street. It’s not like it’s hard. Just talk about drugs and alcohol and farting and lady boobs a lot. Everyone who reads it is drunk, so it doesn’t matter.”

Mike Ryan declined the offer to write his brother’s column, stating the family is “quite embarrassed that he still does that.” At the time of publishing, Ryan was still busy watching The Walking Dead finale.

“Oh my God, Pete and Reg are dead,” said Ryan, thoughtlessly spoiling the ending of this season for the alt-weekly newspaper’s readership. “And Deanna gave Rick the okay to do it! How could I be expected to write meaningless April Fools Day comedy at a time like this? Humor seems so inconsequential during a zombie apocalypse. I’m sorry if it’s uncomfortable for you, watching me wipe my tears away. I’ll never forget how Reg used to tie his sweater around his shoulders. Watching Reg bleed out through this throat was like watching Orville Redenbacher choke to death on his own popcorn. Oh, man. Does anybody have a joint? It’s only like 9pm. I could have one and still write everything extra fast tomorrow morning.”