News & Articles

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced that their new Duluth location, slated to open this spring at the corner of Central Entrance and Basswood Ave, has been delayed until the fall. 

We walked the streets to find residents willing to give their opinions. The response was overwhelming:

“Well I’m not going to wait forever! I’m just kidding, I’ll totally wait forever. Just please don’t leave! Dunkin’s chain stores with gas station donuts and drip coffee is literally all I have in my life! 

Tell me when to line up! I’ll do anything for you! ANYTHING! Take my virginity if you want! 

No one else will!” 

-Bartholomew Crackers, MD

“Goddamn it. Why the hell did I pay two grand for this Rascal scooter if I’m not going to be fat enough to use it? They need to start thinking about the investments locals have made to support this franchise.”

-Charles Lordly, assistant restroom cleaner

“This delay is terrible news. 

Wife beatings are already up 

74 percent.”

-Mark Fart, Duluth Police Chief

“Thank God they’re coming soon! Right now we only have 

357 shops that serve donuts and coffee. Lowest count in the area since 1973.”

-Mike Ryan, cat whisperer

“NEED THEM NOW, NEED THEM NOW! AAAHHHHHHHHHH! WHHHHHHYYYYY? GODDDDD NOOOOOO! AHHHHH! I’M IN HELL!! I’M IN HELLLLL!!” 

-Sam Cook, newspaper columnist 

“I opened Dandy’s Warm 

Wieners in Canal Park a week ago, and I don’t see the press bending over backwards to give me free promotion. C’mon people! I know y’all have cold dogs! Look for the public phone booth with my sign on it. I’ve got a space heater in there.”

-Todd Dandy Jr, unemployed 

“Dunkin’ Donuts is coming? Does this mean America won and ISIS lost?”

-Douglas Fir, arborist

“How soon will it open? 

This fall? Oh, thank God. I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself otherwise. I would’ve had to try a local donut place that’s owned by an actual person in my town. Fuck that!”

-Mandy Wankerson, ocelot breeder

“Sweet! Another place I can buy my dad a gift card that he’ll never, ever redeem.”

-Sophie Baestrom, dog fluffer 

“Six months? Sigh. I guess it’s suicide again for me.”

-Hal Spanks, telemarketing 

specialist

“Hey guys, I heard an East Coast restaurant (my homeland! Best coast!) is opening in Duluth! I guess I better start acting like an asshole and insisting that the water in New York is better than here! Are they going to fly in the coffee and the dough each night from Brooklyn? That’s the only way they’ll taste good. I guess if you haven’t traveled extensively and experienced the world like I have, the donuts here in Duluth probably seem the same. How novel of you to think anything you do compares to the East Coast! So cute!”

-Alexandra Dupree, graphic 

designer 

“It’s a good thing Don Ness isn’t running for office again. I’d vote against him based solely on this delay. Donut hoarding son of a bitch.”

Clarice Winky, banana 

saleswoman

“Will the front of the restaurant have double doors? If not, 

I won’t be able to fit. I’m hilariously obese.”

-Bill Taft, tampon salesman

“Why are they opening it on the hillside? They’re supposed to build these in the ghetto so I can wait in line for 15 minutes behind a loud, angry drug-addled homeless person threatening to kill everyone. At least that’s the Dunkin’ Donuts I remember from when I was a kid.”

-Bab Dylan, female Bob Dylan impersonator

“Ugh. Fall doesn’t work for me. The expiration date on these adult diapers I bought is July 23.”

-Aaron Brown, college professor

“Oh man, I need to hit this up opening weekend so I can complain about how it’s not as good 

as I remember.”

-Caitlin Yelper, singing dominatrix

“Are their restrooms open to the public? If so, I’m gonna eat an egg sandwich and unleash a beast in there about twice a day.”

-John Ryan, retired

“I hate my wife. I hate my kids. Dunkin’ Donuts ain’t gonna help that. Now Krispy Kreme, that’s a different story. I’ll stay with my awful family forever if I’ve got a Krispy Kreme nearby.”

-Doug Fartby, professional drinker

“Who gives a fat shit? Anyone? No? Okay then. Shut up about it already.”

-Claire Wang, Sven Sundgaard Historical Museum curator