News & Articles

It’s been nearly a week since the Super Bowl. If the party you attended was any good, you might still be drunk. Fortunately for you, this very column you’re reading is written by an expert in poor drinking choices. Here are some hangover tips to get that fizzle back in your . . . thing. Or something.

- Get the hell out of bed, you lazy, good for nothing jackass. The longer you stay horizontal, the worse you’ll feel. That’s science, fool. What the hell are you waiting for? Your mommy? Is she gonna make your boo boo go away? Get off your ass, deadbeat. This is America, not some millennial little league game where everyone gets a trophy. If you want your hangover to go away, stand up and punch it in the face.

- Seriously though, call your mom. She’s crazy old, so she probably knows all kinds of messed up hangover cures that you’ve never even heard of. Probably something involving snake venom, riding a motorcycle naked down a dirt road or filling your whiny face hole with copious amounts of water and swallowing it. If she’s a good mom, I guarantee she’ll recommend at least one of those things.

- You can take ibuprofen and aspirin at the same time. Just make sure neither of them share an active ingredient or contain acetaminophen. If you don’t heed this warning, you’re going to destroy your liver and not be able to drink anymore, and lord knows you wouldn’t make it a day in that terrible job of yours without a little help from Dr. Keystone or his younger, more successful brother, Dr. Keystone Light.

- Take a shower, you filthy drunk. This warms you up, clears your sinuses and also removes the smell of vomit you couldn’t find because you blacked out so hard that you forgot your girlfriend vomited on your back.

- Eat something. A banana, crackers with honey, or Kate Middleton’s breast milk are all easy on your stomach and help your body recover faster. Contrary to popular opinion, stay away from greasy foods, additional booze or Blake Lively’s breast milk. They will all prolong your nausea and headache. It would be difficult to get Lively’s breast milk anyway, because she’s not a royal servant of the people like Middleton, so she doesn’t have to give it to you.

- Take a walk. Fresh air does wonders for a person’s mental state. Also, if you get run over by a bus, you’ll probably forget all about your hangover.

- Ask your roommate to spit on you. Scientific studies have proven that this actually helps cure hangovers. The more time you allow the goober to soak into your face, the more effective the treatment. If your hangover is really bad, go around your dorm knocking on doors and asking strangers to spit on you, bukkake style. Don’t Google that, by the way. If you don’t know what it means, just let it be.

- Drink an entire gallon of milk and then run a mile. Trust me. I have a degree in journalism. A fancy degree! You have no choice but to obey me, because this little diploma of mine guarantees that I’m always honest. Drink the milk. Now! It’s not optional. No, don’t pretend to check your phone. Drink the milk now, punk! I’m a journalist! Everything I say is automatically legitimate! Vaccines are dangerous! Footballs can be deflated by weather conditions! Running while drinking milk cures nausea!

- Paypal $25 to paul@dailyramblings.com and your hangover will be magically cured. Does it work? You’ll never know unless you try it.

- Call your local internet provider and tell them you want to return their $5 per month router and use your own. The next seven hours you’ll spend arguing with them will have you so filled with rage that you’ll forget you even have a hangover.

- Drink your own urine. Do you think Kevin Costner was drinking his own pee in Waterworld because he liked it? No! It’s because he’s a horrible drunk. They just filmed it one day when he wasn’t looking and added it to the movie.

- Ride a motorcycle down a dirt road while naked. Laugh all you want, but it works. I know because your mother and I tried it twenty years ago.

- Ask Jesus to cure your hangover. I’ve tried this at least 7 million times in my life, and it hasn’t worked once. I’m not sure he works that way, but if you’ve gotten this far in the column without anything working, then what have you got to lose?