News & Articles

There’s always one elderly person at Christmas dinner who blurts out something racist. It’s almost a tradition. The hosts usually try to pass it off as a lovable trait. “Oh, he was just born in an era when it was okay to assume minorities were plotting to steal your laundry. Also, he’s very old, so rest assured he’ll likely die from a common cold soon. Possibly even tomorrow.”

We’ve spent our whole lives assuming we could never be that elderly bigot. We don’t have any prejudices. We share Huffpost “Black Voices” links on social media all the time! We’ve hugged Gay Americans without making boner jokes. We never cross the street to avoid certain types of people. Except for homeless people, but they encompass all races, so that’s fine.

Yep, we’re pretty damn perfect. It’s hard to believe that one single generation of human beings could be so amazingly perfect and open-minded. I mean, nobody says “homo” on TV anymore. That’s awesome. Let’s all stop and pat ourselves on the back. While doing that, let’s turn on the news to pass the time.

Ugh. Look at all those fast food workers protesting. God, I wish poor people weren’t so stupid. I worked my ass off for my degree. I mean, I don’t really remember the first two years of college because I was perpetually drunk, but it took a lot of gusto. They should patiently remain entrenched in poverty until I’m promoted to a high enough salary where I won’t notice them catching up. So what if minimum wage is $3/hour behind the rate of inflation? Shiz happens. My company was supposed to direct deposit my bonus two weeks ago. Something got messed up with the transfer, so it might take another week. So everybody’s hurting right now.

I believe the effects of 9/11 and the Great Recession have left my generation so weary, paranoid, and completely apathetic toward anyone other than themselves that we’re all basically high-functioning sociopaths. To be blunt, the general public is acting exactly like me, and I don’t like it. Clinical pessimism and the belief that everyone is ten leagues dumber than you is my thing. Stop piggybacking.

We politely disengage when police kill unarmed obese people. The minimum wage is so far behind inflation that some people are ordering Lighthouse Golden at Fitger’s Brewery. The government feeds POWs health shakes through their buttholes (yes, I know people at health spas pay for this service, but I imagine the spa puts the watermelon slices through a blender before inserting). I’ve even found my more liberal friends rationalizing things like torture or the killing of unarmed civilians. Nothing affects us anymore, and on the rare occasion when we’re moved by the plight of someone outside the walls we’ve built around ourselves, the problem is usually so bad that we just choose to ignore it.

There’s a general exhaustion and apathy that the American public shares for everything these days. Republicans and Democrats are equally useless, yet we won’t replace them. Local police are becoming more militarized with little to no training to handle it, yet we’d rather wait for disaster to strike than bring up concerns. Gwen Stefani joins The Voice, and we pretend her comments about voicework are valid. We pretend. Tom Waits had a unique voice, too, but I wouldn’t hire him to teach others.

No, I’m not saying Gwen is on the same level as Waits. They both just have unusual voices. No, I’m not saying her voice is… Really?! You can muster up enough anger for a goddamn TV show, but not to demand a simple trial when the police shoot an unarmed citizen?

I suspect that when we’re 90 years old, we’ll be the ones our kids are apologizing for profusely at Christmas dinner. Someone will say, “I hear the British prime minister is being investigated. I wonder why,” and one of us elderly goons will blurt out, “You know what they should do? Strip him naked, hang him by his ankles for 22 hours a day, and feed him sandwiches through his anus! Then he’ll tell us what he’s up to!”

Everyone’s eyes will bug out, and the hosts will carefully explain that our generation became adults in a very bleak era, so we think torturing POWs is okay if it makes you feel less afraid, and poor people are all lazy half-Americans who are plotting to steal our laundry.

Yes, hanging a clothesline was very “Williamsburg” at the time, and those fast food workers across the street were always staring. Shifty ones, those poor people. Bunch of narrow-backed, plate-licking coin handlers. If you catch a poor person, legend has it they’ll lead you to their magic pot of Cub Foods coupons. Think of the savings! Ugh. Where are my daughters? Avril, Britney! Get in the backyard and keep an eye on that laundry! Those sheets have a 300 thread count, so the welfares will steal them first chance they get.

I’m sorry, sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts. What were we talking about? Yes, it certainly IS getting late. Well, thank you for an absolutely lovely Christmas dinner. I always want to steal your recipes! Good thing I’m not poor! No, we never visit my wife’s side of the family. Their neighborhood looks like an Obamacare bomb went off. Pee-yoo! Anyway, have a merry Christmas and a happy new year, and make sure to lock your door after we leave so the squalls don’t sneak in and impregnate your wife with one of their welfare babies. Thanks again! Poor people are all lesser citizens who are naturally immoral! Bye!