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What is daylight saving time? A pointless, archaic tradition that exists only to make it darker outside for trick or treaters.

Really? No, but the actual explanation is even dumber.

Doesn’t Halloween come before DST this year? So your joke doesn’t even make sense. Shut up.

Isn’t the real explanation something to do with farmers needing more light when they work in the fields? I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t care.

So what do I have to do? Set your clocks forward one hour. If that doesn’t work, try massaging the clock gently in your mouth.

Put what in my mouth?! I said CLOCK.

Are there any exceptions or variations? Yes, quite a few. If you live in the Central Time Zone and weigh more than 250 pounds, set your clocks forward two hours. If your name starts with the letter “B,” set your clocks back an hour. If your income is over $1,000,000 per year, you don’t have to do anything with your clocks. People will adjust to you. If you’re a student at Duluth East High School, please slow down when driving through residential neighborhoods. Everyone around there is pretty sick of it.

How many times a year do I have to do this crap? Twice. So if you live in Superior, just do it every time you bathe.

Will setting clocks this frequently lead to birth defects and Ebola? Yes.

Are there any other chores the government would like me to do while I’m at it? Experts say it’s a great time to also check your smoke detectors.

Is that a thing? Do people use smoke detectors? I dunno. I always take the batteries out of mine so they won’t beep at night and wake me up.

How can I keep myself from getting cranky because of the time change? Maybe just stop blaming the time change and admit you’re a bitch.

Do you have a video that explains DST with pictures? No. Go away.

Who’s responsible for this DST nonsense? Congress. No, really. They used to actually pass laws. Stupid laws, but at least we weren’t just paying them to have lunch with each other.

That figures. Yep. Though the law was originally passed in 1918, then repealed a year later, and then voted back into law again in 1942. So it was a varied, completely different group of incompetent failures in Congress than our current ones.

Could we sue the descendants of those congressmen? Sure, go for it. That sounds like fun.

I don’t like daylight saving time. Do I have to use it? Absolutely not! You’re very important, and life as we know it revolves solely around you, just as you’ve always suspected. Seriously, though, with the way the time change works in the fall, not changing your clocks just means you’ll be an hour early to everything for the next six months, causing hardships for no one. So go for it.

Can you come over to my house and change my clocks for me? No. Fuck off.

I have a case of Leinenkugel’s and two large pepperoni pizzas. Private consultations are available on a case by case basis.

Why does everyone call it daylight savings time? “Saving” should not be plural. Because no one gives a crap about that except you.

Spelling and grammar are important! We’re all going to die someday. Try not to be so much of a Nazi in what few fleeting moments we all have left.
Is there really no way to avoid daylight saving time? You could move to Arizona. They don’t observe it, mainly because they can’t count high enough to read clocks.

What about Hawaii? I heard they don’t observe DST. They don’t, but that’s where I’m planning to move and I’m not interested in being friends with you.

Do beavers and ducks observe DST? The ones that own clocks do, yes.

Really? No, dipshit.

If a beaver smells funny, should I still eat it? That’s more of a question for Sam Cook.