News & Articles

by Rick Spielman,
Minnesota Vikings GM
Duluth Reader

Ahhhhhhhhh shit! Goddamn it! Dickholes! Balls! Big huge stupid balls! C’mon, man! Don’t do this to me. I had a THING going here. The little kid’s fine! He has some welts, but don’t we all? Some dads hit their kids with the ENTIRE TREE. Well, not Minnesota dads, but guys in the South. Son of a bitch! Piece of shit! Damn it to hell! C’mon!

With our star running back Adrian Peterson suffering a season ending “beat a kindergartner with a tree branch” injury, all of us here at the Minnesota Vikings are scrambling to find another player who can compete at the professional level.

Honestly, if I had known Adrian was going to be banned from the league for beating up children, I would have signed a SECOND good player for our team. We had a really great thing going. Imagine! An entire team with only one legitimate NFL player!

Well, I don’t have to ask you to imagine it. You’ve been living it for the past eight years. Thanks for that, by the way. I’ve made a tremendous amount of money off you while spending almost nothing. But those tossed salad days are over. Now season ticket holders are going to demand a full team. I’m so screwed.

It’s a damn shame. What a great grift. When you have one of the best running backs in NFL history, you can fill all the other positions with cheap players drafted in the seventh round from Division II schools. It didn’t matter that none of them could throw, run or catch. Just give the ball to Adrian. It didn’t matter that the quarterback I drafted with our 12th pick in 2011 is now working part-time as a Sandwich Artist at Subway. Just give it to Adrian.

Oh shit, don’t tell people about the Subway thing. Let’s keep that information on the down-low.

It also didn’t matter that I found our entire defense in the restroom of a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Nebraska. Well, that’s not entirely true. Our cornerbacks were part of a prison work release program. It’s a nice tax break. But no one in Minnesota cared about my cost cutting. Adrian was so good that we had bleak hopes of making the playoffs every year, enough to sell most of our season tickets.

What if I were to give Adrian a spanking with a tree branch on live television? Think of the ratings! The men would tune in for the brutal justice, the women would get to see some naked athletic man-ass. It would only take a few minutes, and the grift would be back on again. I’d be back in business.

I’m not going back to that Home Depot job! I won’t! You can’t make me! I’m a general manager! My title says so! General manager of a football team! I just ordered new business cards, and they’re the nice ones. They have that texture to them that feels a little bit bumpy, like not enough to be weird but just enough where you keep rubbing your finger along it and it kinda mesmerizes you. You’re like “Oooh, pleasant bumps. My finger likes these bumps and I don’t know why.” Yeah, those ones. They’re a goddamn investment in myself! I can’t afford to waste them!

I ain’t going back! I can work for the Texans! What were they last year? 0-100? They have nicer colors than the Vikings. Blue and red. None of this Grape Ape Minnesota crap. Sure, the Texans’ mascot needs work. A Texan? Your mascot is the fatasses eating Cheetos at home? Hey look, it’s our team mascot - ourselves! Yet it’s still prettier than that homeless guy the Vikings hire to blow that stupid horn. And the Texans’ rallying cry isn’t a brand of chewing tobacco.

Easy there, Rick. Be slick. Don’t lose your cool. You don’t have the job yet. Put on your interview face. Positive Rick! Ice cold Rick!

I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I’m sure you understand that I’m under a tremendous amount of stress these days, what with my only NFL player not being able to play. The Vikings are kind of like a McDonald’s with only one fry machine. Since our fry machine is currently out of order, I guess I’ll have to actually put in some effort and field a real team.

Who’s our running back now? Matt who? Asiata? Is he Asian? No? Oh, thank God. How many yards per carry is he getting? Two? Goddamn it.

Well, maybe if Eddie Lacy rapes someone, Adrian can sneak back into the lineup. Fingers crossed, bro. Don’t leave me hanging, bro! I don’t have the skills to do this the right way!