News & Articles

Hipster guy’s beard on Metro Bus 217 - Scraggly. Uncouth. Appears to have both the texture and consistency of pubic hair. Which end is up? I can’t tell if I’m looking at his face or if he’s sitting upside down with his pants off. Hipster win, life fail. If he ever leaves this city, he’ll starve to death. C-

Stray cat found downtown - Black and white. Boring. Not punk rock enough. Needs tattoos, a medusa piercing and gauges in its ears (at least 9/16”). Will not date this cat until changes are made. B-

Harem pants - Let’s get one thing straight: Those harem pants that are super trendy right now? Those are Zubaz. You are wearing Zubaz. I’m not going to judge, because I’m not very trendy myself. All I’m saying is you’re going to look back on this in 10 years and say, “Oh my god, I was wearing Zubaz.” D-

Oversized tortoise shell reading glasses that women have started wearing again for some idiotic reason - Tootsie. You look like Tootsie. Since you were born after 1990, I’ll explain. You look like a man dressed like a woman who traveled here in a time machine and somehow didn’t realize how ugly those glasses look compared to normal ones. It is not 1982, folks. Hideously ugly is not the new sexy (to be honest, it actually is the case in the fashion world right now, but let’s try to contain it so it doesn’t get worse). D

High-waisted shorts. Just stop it. You’re awful. F

These skinny jeans I am for some reason wearing at the age of 35 - Can I sit down? Should I try? Arghhh . . . nope, nope, nope. Can’t sit down. My giant cellphone just jammed into my leg and cut off all circulation like a tourniquet. Okay, removed the phone. Removed my front pocket wallet. Let’s have a seat very slowly . . . gahhh! I had a pen in my pocket! Oh sweet lord, I had a pen in my pocket! Son of a bitch, that stings! I’m just gonna fall face-first on the floor and lie motionless for a while. Yeah, that’s nice. Oh man. Oh Christ. Oh sweet lord. After 35 years, it was a pair of cheap jeans that finally made me turn to religion. C

Generic glow-in-the-dark condoms with mildly humorous cartoon mascot on wrapper - Hard to say. Guess I’ll find out in 3-9 months. Incomplete

McDonald’s at 692 S Alvarado St - Floors look like they haven’t been washed since 1983. Homeless people everywhere, staring at me angrily as I eat. Zero employees who speak English. Zero other customers who are Caucasian. Locked bathrooms that the employees refuse to open. There’s an open booth in the back that appears to be avail . . . oh god, is that a puddle of blood!?! Meh. It’s still better than most McDonald’s restaurants. B-

16oz glass of Stella Artois at Outback Steakhouse - Eight dollars? Fuck you. I know it’s not your fault, but you’re still not getting a tip. I simply cannot afford to tip you. F

Parking by license plate E63W78 - Crooked, but acceptable. One more inch over and I would have keyed the phrase “banana queef” into your side door. Then everywhere you went, you’d have to explain it to people. “Oh, Banana Queef is a band I like.” “Is it?” the person will say, “Because I Googled it, and there were no results. How about you tell me what’s really going on?” You won’t be able to, and each time you try, you’ll die a little more inside. So let’s park a little straighter next time, eh? That okay with you, banana queef? C+

Box of free plain donuts at work - They are free, but they are plain. What’s the point? C-

Person who brought the box of plain donuts to work - Douche. F

Red emergency button on the bus - Want to press it want to press it DON’T PRESS IT YOU’LL GET IN TROUBLE but i want to THEY WILL ARREST YOU but I didn’t know it was wrong I don’t speak English well donde esta el bano IT’S FOR EMERGENCIES YOUR OCD IS NOT AN EMERGENCY if I press the button it will become an emergency based on the very nature of the button itself DON’T DO IT okay fine. A-

Paul Ryan’s Ramblings columns - Offensive, but not enough to be interesting. Overuse of profanity neuters the desired shock value and makes punchlines less powerful. Faux edgy content fails extra hard because the writer doesn’t live in Duluth and therefore risks nothing by publishing it. The endless bathroom humor is much like a real bathroom visit - a tired, predictable routine best not discussed with others. The column’s readership consists mainly of junior high school students and elderly women, both of whom believe The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon is a bit on the edgy side. F-