News & Articles

- My god! Look at how wrinkled my fingers are at the joints. Is this normal? The next time I’m around people my own age, I need to make sure to compare.

- The dog would look really cool if I dyed him purple.

- I wonder if Emma Stone dates losers. No, wait! I wonder if Eva Green does. If not, I wonder if they date pretend winners? Because I can do that.

- Someone should invent McDonald’s food that I can eat IN MY HOUSE.

- Do people know I’m high? Can they tell? My eyes look normal in the mirror, but do they REALLY look normal? Can they smell it on me? I can’t smell anything, but how do I know that OTHER PEOPLE can’t smell anything? Is there a product? Is there some sort of weed detector detector? Is everyone staring at me? Should I run?

- As I get older, shouldn’t The Golden Girls look hotter to me? They don’t. But shouldn’t they? Dorothy still looks like an old piece of dried fruit to me, just like she did when I was 15.

- Do the dog’s legs normally look like that? I don’t remember his hips jutting out from his body in that way. Oh my god, are both his legs dislocated?! Let’s walk him around the house and see. Nope. His legs are fine. He can walk. Whew, that was a close one!
- (DVD PLAYER IS PAUSED ON AN IMAGE OF COL. SHERMAN POTTER FROM M*A*S*H*) Every time I look away from the screen, he moves. Don’t move. Don’t move. Please don’t move. Gah! He moved again!

- I like boobs. Boobs are good. I like boobs. (REALIZES HE’S SAYING THIS OUT LOUD AND PEOPLE ON THE BUS CAN HEAR HIM) Shit.

- I just ate something, yet I’m still hungry. I shouldn’t still be hungry. It makes no logical sense. I have eaten food. Ergo, I should not be hungry anymore. Yet I am. Something must be wrong with me. What should I do? Should I call 911? Should I call 911 and tell them food doesn’t make me not hungry?

- This Sutter Home Pink Moscato wine is delicious. It tastes exactly like pink moscatos.

- I should call my parents, rub my elbow against the phone receiver, and then hang up. I’ll bet they’d enjoy that.

- What if I’m The Cookie Monster, but I don’t know it? Gasp! What if we’re ALL The Cookie Monsters?

- Do the dog’s ears normally sit up like that? Are they supposed to do that? Are his ears broken? Oh man, I hope his ears aren’t . . . okay, nope. Dog’s fine. His ears don’t have bones. My mistake.

- I wish I had a mannequin that looked like me. I could skip work all the time and go to a waterslide park.

- I should dump all my garbage in the street so it won’t go in a landfill. Oooh, I should go to a landfill and spread stuff out so it disintegrates faster.

- Ugh. Oy. Argh. Blahhhh! Ugggh. Nope. Can’t do it. Can’t watch Wheel of Fortune. Too awful. Plastic faces. The hosts have creepy plastic faces. Always smiling. Forever smiling! Quit smiling, Pat Sajak! I’ll bet he can’t. I’ll bet his face is mangled that way permanently. I’ll bet he wasn’t even in a car accident or anything. I’ll bet he did it on purpose. Pat farking Sajak. Feh.

- (TAKES OUT BOWL. POURS COOKE CRISP, CRUNCH BERRIES AND FRUITY PEBBLES INTO BOWL. ADDS CHOCOLATE MILK. EATS ONE BITE, PASSES OUT ON FLOOR)

- Pawn Stars is fake! PAWN STARS IS FAKE! WHY ARE YOU SO FAKE, PAWN STARS?

- (STARES INTENTLY AT DOG, WHO IS SITTING ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH. DOG SNEEZES.) Hey! Shut up!

- So sleepy. So very sleepy. Dozing off . . . no! Must finish watching Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot on Netflix! It’s just gettin’ good.

- Have the dog’s pupils always taken up his entire eye socket? I can only see the whites of his eyes when he looks to the side. They take up the whole eye hole, like a weird alien from another planet. Is he an alien? Is my dog a space friend? Is the food I feed him really space food? Is that bed I bought him a space bed? If gravity suddenly went away, would he float upside down on his space bed? Would he . . . oh man, Dukes of Hazzard is on TV!