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Command List

“NO” is one of the hardest commands to execute properly. It’s important to use a tone of voice that lets your dog know he’s being disciplined, but doesn’t entice him to bite you in the groin. Before using this command on your dog, try it out on elderly family members or customers at your workplace. If your dog doesn’t respond, bribe him with treats and affection. If customers or family members don’t respond, beat them unmercifully.

“SHUT UP” communicates to your dog that you didn’t pay the pet deposit in your apartment building, and continued barking will likely land her back in the pound where she will be euthanized. It should be said with a forceful tone, using body language that shows the process of euthanization.

“GODDAMN IT, DOG” is a great phrase that lets your dog know that pooping in the laundry hamper, swallowing your car keys, or humping your six-year-old niece’s bare legs is not “indoor behavior.”

“GET THE HELL OVER HERE, YOU STUPID IDIOT” is a courtesy command for use during walks, letting your dog know “I’m moving. Move with me.” Once she understands “Get the hell over here, you stupid idiot,” you can progress to “Why the hell would you eat a cigarette butt?! Why?!” and “Please don’t piss on that bicycle. The owner might be around here somewhere.”


Do’s and Don’ts

Do: Spit in your dog’s food. You’re the alpha of this dog pack. Every time your dog eats, he should know that it’s not his food, but your food that you’re allowing him to eat. If you really want to add your scent to his food, try peeing on it. Don’t tell your wife that you do these things. Women rarely understand alpha male things like urinating on expensive dog food or cornering a dog and farting on him.

Do: Watch Wheel of Fortune with your dog. Dogs can learn up to 200 words if taught properly. That’s 110 more than Vanna White!

Do: Teach your dog math. Did you know that nearly 100 percent of American dogs can’t do basic calculus? In comparison, nearly 94 percent of Chinese dogs score in the highest percentile in advanced trigonometry. The only way we’re going to beat the Chinese is with math and enslaving our poorest citizens to work in factories. Don’t let your dog be a part of the problem.

Do: Use your dog to pick up hot babes. In order to procure the highest figurative temperature babes, teach the dog to stand on his hind legs while wiggling his front paws around. That crap is solid gold. You’ll get laid so much, you’ll need a wheelchair or Rascal scooter.

Do not: Baby talk to your dog. She’s only licking your face to stop you from talking like that.

Do not: Make your dog wear a bandana. Are you gay? Oh, you are? Well, bandanas are fine then. But if you’re not, then you’re just being mean. If I ran a company and needed to fire someone, I’d check the Facebook profiles of all my employees and fire anyone who made their dog wear a stupid bandana.
Do not: Teach your dog to surf. She will fall right off the surfboard and drown. I learned that lesson the hard way with my first three dogs.
Do not: Feed your dog eggs. “It’s good for them!” say the experts. “It’s healthy and gives them a shinier coat of fur!” No, it doesn’t. It gives them diarrhea all over your carpeting. Then your girlfriend wants to move to a new apartment but you refuse, so every day she just sits there staring at that spot, her bitter discontent growing until she leaves you for some guy with a cool mustache. Sigh. I miss you, Charlene.