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A new season of Game of Thrones has begun! We live in busy times, and most people are either juggling three minimum wage jobs at once or swimming in a bank vault full of gold coins they didn’t earn, so they’re unable to spend an hour watching a TV episode. As a courtesy, I’ll be recapping the episodes so everyone can keep up to date with the story.

Granted, these people could read the books instead, but the TV show is quicker, and reading a watered-down recap of the watered-down TV show version of the books is more efficient. Recaps are like Cliff Notes of Cliff Notes! It’s very meta, which is totally trending right now.

 So I fell asleep during the opening credits, because they’re like ten minutes long, so I probably missed somewhere between 2 to 45 minutes of the episode. Um, the little sassy midget is getting yelled at by his dad for being too midgety or something. I dunno, last season was like forever ago and I was really high by the time this scene took place, so my memory is a bit hazy. But then he meets some prince guy and there’s tits everywhere, and the prince stabs some generic guy in the hand. Then there’s a lot of talking that I didn’t pay attention to at all. Vengeance or something. I dunno, boring.

Lil’ Sass is talking to his redhead wife, who has a total bitchface. Blah blah, her entire family’s dead and she’s very grumpy, blah blah. Whatever. She’s a redhead. They complain a lot.

Anyway, this prince guy is going to kill all of Lil’ Sass’s family members. I don’t really get why he cares, since his family members are all total dinks to him. I guess because they’re pretty to look at? Redheaded wife also got a necklace from some fat guy, but it’s not a “pearl necklace” so I don’t care.

Handsome Kingslayer guy with attractive stubble that would likely be impossible to maintain in days when electric razors didn’t exist is getting a new hand to replace the one he left in the woods when he was drunk. Or something. It’s a gold hand! Which also seems really impractical, since gold is very heavy. That thing is gonna be a bitch to carry around, but he doesn’t question it. I bet he’ll get tired and replace it with a plastic or straw hand in the next episode. Also, he gets a spiffy new sword, but only people who read the books care about swords. Screw that. I wanna see more boobs and children stabbing people.

Anyway, stubble dude still has a stiffy for his sister, Sarah Connor. She has weird teeth, which is kinda refreshing since it’s the 1400s and everyone had terrible teeth back then, yet all the actors in the show are basically whichever J.Crew models they could find who could talk in front of a camera without pissing themselves. Anyway, Sarah Connor doesn’t want a boner from some dude without hands. He puts it in her face and she’s like “No mas!” or “No me dice!” or something. I dunno. Whenever the two of them are on screen together, I usually leave the room to take a leak.

Blondie who doesn’t show her boobs anymore is walking a lot with her army and nothing happens, and then they walk some more and nothing happens, and then they stop and stare wistfully into the distance and I got bored and started thinking of all the different ways I’d bang her if she had low enough self-esteem. How she can feed 40,000 soldiers when they appear to be walking through a desert wasteland? You’d have to destroy an entire town every day to feed them. It’s stupid. Her army is stupid. But I like dragons, so whatever.

Anyway, Blondie No Boobs stops to play with her dragons while the army all collectively takes a dump or something, and she tries to take food from one of the dragons and it’s like “Eat a dick, stupid!” and she’s all sad because she can’t make them not eat a goat. 

Jon Snow did something. I was only half paying attention because I was skimming an article on the internet about why eating bread gives you cancer. Something about the Wildlings, which sound scary but are pretty much just regular people with no access to shampoo. Whatever. I’ve been to South Dakota. It’s not that intimidating.

Arya Stark is the only other character name I remember, because she’s a kid but is always like “Efff you!” and punches people in the dong and stuff. Anyway, she’s with the ugly knight who looks like a roadie for Def Leppard. They go into this bar, because it’s the 1400s and what else is there to do but eat and drink and piss all over yourself? So they find some guys to stab in the balls. Def Leppard guy does all the work and then Arya stabs some creeper dude in the throat and eats his eyeball or pisses on his face or something. It was really rad. Every time she murders someone, I get excited and drop my beer and my dog drinks it and pisses all over the house after I’ve passed out.

Is it over? It doesn’t seem like a lot happened. I don’t care. It’s just TV. TV is boring, who cares. OMG, Lorde has an Instagram!! So excited!