News & Articles

The new reality TV show “Ramsay is Ramsay” has just entered its second week of filming. The show features Duluth police chief Gordon Ramsay taking on the duties of celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, and likewise Chef Ramsay will temporarily sit in as the police chief of Duluth.
Chef Ramsay has taken his role as police chief very seriously and has taken to it well with the no-nonsense approach he’s well-known for in his cooking shows. Chief Ramsay has had a little more difficulty in transitioning to being the head chef at busy high-class restaurants in New York City. “Sure, being police chief can be stressful sometimes, but these kitchens in New York are a whole new level of intense. It’s a mad house,” said Chief Ramsay. “Chef Ramsay has done a remarkable job in last couple of weeks. He often talks with the people we bring in, and most of them end up in tears and promise to never offend again,” stated Duluth Police Department public information officer, Jim Hansen. Episodes will air on truTV starting in the fall.  

Sunken Ship Hauling Viagra Won’t Allow Lift Bridge to Go Down

Early Wednesday morning a small cargo boat lost control entering the Duluth port and subsequently sunk underneath the lift bridge. The crew was able to escape unharmed. The vessel had a large shipment of the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra. It’s uncertain if there is any connection, but the lift bridge has been up ever since the disaster. “We thought we’d be able to lower the bridge within four hours, but we haven’t been able to get the bridge to go down and we’re not sure why,” said Mayor Don Ness. At the time of press, the bridge has lowered several inches but still remains up.

Winter’s Approval Rating at All-Time Low in Northland

The Northland Enquirer recently held its annual poll on the season of winter’s approval rating. Most winters have received a 40 to 60 percent approval rating, but the approval rating for the 2013-14 season is at a miserable 9 percent. We contacted mental health specialist Dr. Donald Roberts about the poll’s results. “This year people have had a hard time coping with the winter months. Hell, I’m a mental health specialist and I feel like I’m freaking losing it. If I have to shovel one more time this year, I’m seriously thinking about ending it. Even the most happy and optimistic people are being affected by this winter. I hate to think about what someone who is already depressed is going through,” said Roberts.
One of the poll takers agreed to talk with us about why they said they did not approve of winter. 59-year-old William Fuller has been living in the Duluth area for over 30 years. “This winter is sick and wrong. If it’s not below zero, it snows a foot. I used to love winter, but this winter has crossed the line,” said Fuller.
On the Minnesota state level, officials are looking into possibly banning winter. “After this season, winter has proven to be a threat and a public nuisance,” said Lt. Governor Yvonne Prettner Solon. “We’ve often put up with winter’s antics, but this time we feel winter has gone too far. It’s a strain to pay for the plowing and the damage that results to the roads. We’re not talking about a total ban of winter, but winter will be more tightly regulated since it has proven itself to just do whatever it wants. Those days need to come to an end, and soon.”
Winter replied to our email stating that the Northland’s defiance and disapproval of it will result in only harsher conditions lasting into May. “You think you can stop me? I was thinking about going easy on you, but forget that. You thought I was bad so far? You haven’t seen anything yet. Antarctica will look like a tropical paradise by the time I’m done with the Northland.”  Winter’s relative Summer could not be reached for comment at the time this article went to print.