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Hello, I’m a waiter at a restaurant, and I recommended that Paul try the soup. I’m just doing my job and repeating the specials. I was unaware that Paul views soup as “a bowl of water with things in it.” I realize now how offensive it is to put scalding water in a bowl and 1) pretend it’s food, 2) pretend it’s worth actual money, and 3) attempt to sell it to an intelligent human being. I can’t apologize enough. I promise I will immediately pour all this brown water with weird things in it down the sink and buy more bacon and steaks.

Hello, I’m a bus driver. I slammed on the brakes to avoid running over a small child, and the centrifugal force slightly altered the placement of Paul’s hair. I’m very sorry for messing up his hair, and will make sure to run over any Darwinian children that threaten its magnificence in the future.

Hello, I’m an attractive woman on Tinder. I just liked Paul’s photo, which sends him an alert on his phone that someone in the universe doesn’t think he’s ugly. But I neglected to mention in my profile that I’m a vegan who can only eat at three restaurants throughout the city. I’m sorry for not mentioning my veganism, and realize it’s the same as someone not mentioning they have herpes.

Hello, I have a beard and am reading a Lee Child novel on the train. I am standing up despite there being 10-20 empty seats available. None of these things are in any way offensive or even questionable in taste - in fact, some of them are quite admirable - but Paul is in a crappy mood this morning. I didn’t realize combining these three reasonable things would inspire vicious dong punching in random sociopaths. Sorry about that.

Hello, I work for Time Warner Cable. No explanation necessary.

Hello, I’m a banana. My stem is very short, making it borderline impossible to peel me without smashing my body into a mooshy yellow pulp that looks like Slurpee vomit. I am an asshole. I am also a banana. My deepest apologies.

Hello, I’m Paul’s old phone. Paul rooted me and foolishly tried to install an operating system he found on the internet. It wasn’t intended for US-based phones. Now I’m permanently broken and won’t even power on. Paul has a new phone now that is way better than me in every conceivable way, but this morning I made the mistake of being in Paul’s line of view, and the mere sight of me brought back deep-seated anger regarding Paul’s general inability to succeed in life. I’m sorry that inanimate objects anger Paul. I will do him the courtesy of throwing myself in a dumpster. Goodbye cruel world! Did I mention I’m sorry and that I’m also a phone?

Hello, I’m every employee at Paul’s work. I just used the phrase “let’s have a conversation” four times in the past minute. I’d be sorry if I weren’t such a natural follower and corporate slut.

Hello, I’m a hipster who wears glasses without lenses in them. I didn’t do anything at all. When I entered the bus, Paul just instinctively punched me in the face. It wasn’t his fault; it was more of a basic reflex than an attack. I’m sorry for existing.

Hello, I’m the program director for cable network TNT. Back when Paul was a kid in 1989, we ran 3-4 hour blocks of Looney Tunes cartoons every night. He would watch them every night. Now we just show reruns of mediocre cop shows. My apologies for not catering an entire multi-million dollar business to one person’s preferences. For the rest of my life, I promise I will begin each day by looking at a photo of Paul and sobbing quietly to myself, even though he could totally buy a box set of those cartoons online for almost nothing.

Hello, I’m Tom Elsen, a local college student. I’m far handsomer than Paul and my part-time job at McDonald’s pays more than Paul’s full-time job. I’m not sorry at all. Paul’s a loser and I’m way better than him.

Hello, I’m a teenage cashier at 7-11. When Paul paid for his donuts with dimes and quarters, I made a face kind of like “Ehhhh.” And then he made a face like “Huh?” and I was like “Ehhhhhhhhhh” and he mumbled something under his breath about “shitty kids” and I was like “Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Sorry about that.

Hello, I’m Lieutenant John Dotson. I’d like to ask everyone reading this a few questions about college student Tom Elsen. Someone drugged him with roofies and tossed him in a Planned Parenthood dumpster filled with discarded baby fetuses. That same day, photos of him tongue kissing a bearded dragon were posted on all his social media accounts. If anyone has any information regarding this incident, please phone into our toll-free hotline at 1-800-ILIKE2REPORTCRIMEZ. Thank you for your cooperation.