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The nation’s largest multi-category value-add tiger team sustainability synergy firm, Assholes Inc, announced today that it has hired its next Chief Executive Asshole. Former RapeCo executive Dick Muck will become the top asshole at Assholes, and will focus on business synergism, global growth, brand building and other empty buzzwords and overly formal corporate phrases that sound pretentious.

Before RapeCo, Muck worked at Ebay, Yahoo and a dozen other washed up Silicon Valley companies that are now known for nothing more than greed, incompetence and bloated infrastructure. Every two years, Muck jumps to a new company, cramming as many trendy names into his resume as possible but leaving all of them so quickly that he couldn’t possibly contribute anything useful. Loyalty, dignity and dedicating one’s professional life to building something good in this horrid, micturation-filled world of ours takes a back seat to personal gain and ego.

“Yeah, I worked at Yahoo for a year and then douched my way out of there,” said Muck. “Then I went to Ebay and I was like ‘douche, douche, douche’ for six months, and for the last seven months I was all like ‘douche, queef, douche, douche, queef.’ Now my resume is stacked and I’m killin’ it 24/7.”

Muck holds all the necessary qualities needed to be a top asshole. He has no real world skills. He thinks being an asshole is a legitimate form of management. He’s terrified of change, making him utterly useless during a recession. He uses the phrase “moving forward” unironically. When he needs to talk to someone, he refers to it as “having a conversation.” He also hates his family and uses work to avoid them as much as possible.

When asked about his hobbies outside of work, Muck listed the following: expanding operations, adapting to ever-changing business models, developing new ventures, incorrectly measuring his own penis, implementing unique market entry strategies whilst managing complex international business relationships, and autoerotic asphyxiation.

“He’s a terrible person,” said Don Wiener, a headhunter for Assholes Inc. “And I mean that as a compliment. He comes in, teaches a company how to exploit their customers and minimum wage employees for the tiniest, most insignificant increases in profit, correctly assuming that those people will do absolutely nothing and keep giving the company their business. I’ve seen a lot of assholes in my day, but his is the shiniest. It sparkles like gold. Real gold, not fool’s gold.”

Muck didn’t have to work very hard for his success. He was born wealthy, got into a top ivy league school because his father was an alumni, and now jumps between various aging Fortune 500 companies where he can “fix” their profit margins by firing half their staff and intimidating the remaining employees into working overtime for free.

“Firing people is really fun, because I never have to look any of them in the eye,” said Muck, who then showed off his wealth by blowing his nose on a rare 1986 Donruss Al Newman rookie card. “And as for consumers, what are they gonna do? Shop elsewhere? Look at Wells Fargo. Not only do they loan out their customers’ money without paying them interest anymore, but their outrageous fees actually have customers paying them for the privilege. It’s hilarious! I jerk off to it in the shower, like, every day.”

Ironically, the millions of stockholders for Assholes, Inc. are all people the company either ripped off or fired. These unfortunate saps are oblivious because they own the stock through their retirement accounts, where the investment funds are made up of a mixture of stocks from big corporations. So every person who despises Muck unknowingly donates a percentage of their paycheck each week towards his unreasonably large salary and complimentary sex boats.

“Yeah man, I’m balls deep in every human being on the planet,” said Muck. “And my wife has huge tits! Have you seen these tits? I have! My life is amazing!”

Muck plans to stick with Assholes Inc. for about 14 months before leaving for a startup company that plans to sell a recipe sharing app to Facebook for $3.2 billion. His signing bonus for taking that job will be worth more than Jesus Christ’s semen.

“This is what makes Dick Muck a top asshole,” said Wiener, “and what makes the rest of America a bunch of whiny, useless twats. Embrace humanity’s natural form! All your clothes are made by Indonesian slave children! All your electronics are made by Chinese slaves! Dinty Moore Beef Stew has poop in it! You’re already going to hell for your apathy towards these things! We’re all terrible! Embrace it! Sell out your friends! Sabotage your co-workers! Teach children to smoke! Pee on the elderly! America 2014! Hot toddies and bitches for free!”

Assholes Inc. is number four on the Wall Street Journal’s top money earners of 2013. They have 30,000 employees, 100 percent of which are assholes. Only .0007 percent of them are top assholes. The term “top assholes” is copyright 2001 Assholes Inc. The company’s closing stock price for Jan 16, 2014 was $753.50. It has never gone down in value.

Disclosure: The author of this article is also an asshole.