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Man: Hi, I’d like to set up a birthday party. Can I do it here over the phone?

McDonald’s: Sure thing! McDonald’s is great for birthdays!

Man: I don’t want Ronald there, though.

McDonald’s: We don’t offer character appearances anymore, so no reason to worry.

Man: I like Grimace. He’s my favorite, so I definitely want him there. No Ronald, though.

McDonald’s: I’m sorry, sir. Character appearances are no longer available.

Man: It’s not that I’m afraid of clowns. I don’t have one of those phobias everyone talks about. Nothing weird. I wasn’t molested by my uncle or anything, so I’m not afraid of them. I just find Ronald so damn unsettling. He has an UNSETTLING NATURE.

McDonald’s: Sir . . .

Man: I don’t even want him in the restaurant. The idea of him sitting across the room, glancing our way every so often as he sips coffee at a table by himself. It’s just so damn UNSETTLING, y’know?

McDonald’s: Sir, we don’t offer . . .

Man: And that red lipstick! It’s very . . . UNSETTLING! I’m sorry, I know I’m using that word a lot, but it’s the only word to describe it. His lips are very red. It’s like his mouth is all covered in blood and he wants me to sit on his lap, but his pants are all yellow and made of vinyl like a shower curtain. I’m UNSETTLED right now just thinking about it.

McDonald’s: Sir, we only provide a birthday cake and games. Ronald and Grimace won’t be there.

Man: I love Grimace. It’s a little weird that he doesn’t have any pockets for his keys or wallet, but he’s still my favorite, so he’ll be there. Mayor McCheese, too. I like how corrupt he is as a mayor. Everyone devours his people, and he just ignores it. It’s like he hates his own kind. It’s charming, in a twisted sort of way.

McDonald’s: No Grimace or Mayor McCheese! Just cake and games!

Man: Birdy can come along if she wants, but I’m not paying any transportation costs. She’s a bird, for Christ’s sake. My taxes pay Mayor McCheese’s salary, so he can pay his own way. Does The Hamburglar have one of those probationary leg bracelets that doesn’t let him leave his home?

McDonald’s: Sir, how old is your child?

Man: My child?

McDonald’s: Yes, the one whose birthday party you’re planning.

Man: Oh, I don’t have kids. I’ll be turning 40 in five and a half years, so I’m trying to set something up for it. I’ll need the reservation for May 4, 2019.

McDonald’s: (SILENCE)

Man: I also don’t really want the party to be at McDonald’s. I find the tile floors very unsettling. I’d like to move it to a bar down the street from my apartment. There’s a better chance of me scoring with babes without having to check their IDs, and I won’t have to drive home drunk like I usually do from McDonald’s.

McDonald’s: *CLICK*

Man: Is there a hug guarantee? I’d like Grimace to hug me at least four times. I’d also like Mayor McCheese to present me with a cheeseburger and then watch me eat it. I want to see if there’s pain in his eyes. The Hamburglar and Birdy can just hang out and drink or go bang in the toilet or whatever. They’ve got rubbers for sale in the can. I think they glow in the dark.

McDonald’s: *DIAL TONE*

Man: I’m not sure if Grimace is a man or a woman, or if it’s single, but I wouldn’t be opposed if something organic developed after a few drinks. If Grimace likes me, and if I like Grimace, then let’s see where it goes.

McDonald’s: *CHIME NOISES* IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN. SI DESEA REALIZAR UNA LLAMADA, POR FAVOR CUELGUE Y VUELVA A INTENTARIO.

Man: I’ll be honest. I have a normal sized package. It’s not small, but I’m also not showing it off on Twitter or anything. But I have a very strong, muscled tongue. I have good pre-game, y’know? I’ve had very minimal complaints over the years. Are you writing this down? Are the Fry Guys there with you? Do they smoke? They look like they smoke. You sure are quiet.

McDonald’s: *IRRITABLE
 DISCONNECTION TONE*