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1) Buy an extra large TV. Position it at the head of your kitchen table so it looks like George Stephanopoulos is joining you for Thanksgiving dinner. This is much better than George visiting you for real, because the TV version of him won’t eat any of your food, make eye contact with you or talk about the huge goiter that’s been bothering him. He’ll just tell you the latest news, and you’re free to throw mashed potatoes at him or mute him without fear of retribution.

2) Use public transportation in a poor neighborhood and watch single moms smack around their bratty, disrespectful kids. Instantly feel better about not having to spend the holiday at a large family gathering.

3) Since you don’t have any family around to do it for you, note every minor flaw about yourself. Make sure to find a dozen long-winded ways to repeat the same thing so each ten second criticism lasts a good twenty minutes. If you’re single and over 30, accuse yourself of being gay.

4) Get really, really stoned. Being high is super fun! Also, it makes you sleepy, which dissuades you from sobbing uncontrollably like a girl until your neighbors complain to the landlord that you’re beating your wife too loudly.

5) Spend the entire holiday in some inane Black Friday line so you can get a crappy TV for half price and watch it break a few weeks later because you were so busy punching other customers to get it that you didn’t see the tiny print noting that it’s been refurbished seven times. It will still be worth it though, because being able to completely avoid your family for the entire holiday is the most priceless gift one can give themselves. The TV is just a bonus.

6) Buy a small, modest meal at the supermarket. Before consuming it at home, thank Jesus Christ for all the wonderful things in your life. Nah, just kidding! Don’t do that. He’s just going to ignore you like last time.

7) Set up your Christmas tree and decorations a week before Thanksgiving. It works for Walmart. They set up their trees in July, and then on Thanksgiving their employees come into work because they forget Thanksgiving exists.

8) Is Kmart open? Kmart’s always open. Go there and hit on some babes. Don’t let the burkas dissuade you. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re married.

9) Decorate the automobiles of strangers! It’s super easy! Just trace your hand on the hood of their car with a permanent marker and then draw a turkey head on the thumb. If the car owner is extra special, make the remaining fingers of the drawing into giant pensises.

10) Do the same thing you do every Thursday: Drink ten beers and pass out while jerking off to a dog food commercial.

11) Maybe now is the time to try heroin.

12) Eat some turkey. Watch some football. Talk on the phone with relatives. Maybe grab some tracing paper and the sports section of the newspaper and use it to draw nude versions of high school volleyball players. Eat some pie. Comb your mustache. Enjoy a glass of warm milk.

13) Go to the movies by yourself. Bring a blowup doll and inflate it in the seat next to you, so people will think you have a date. Do not make out with it, because those things pop pretty easily, causing them to make a farting noise like when you let the air out of a balloon. Trust me, even with the movie playing, people will not hesitate to wander over to you and ask just what the hell you think you’re doing.

14) Find someone else at work who will be alone for the holiday. Invite him to a Thanksgiving dinner at your house. Tell him a whole bunch of people from work are coming, but don’t invite anyone else. Decorate your house with cheesy Halloween decorations and dress up in a childrens’ Garfield costume. When he arrives, have him take a seat at the table. Sit on the opposite end of the table and just stare at him while eating corn niblets with your bare hands. Do not offer him any food or beverages. If he removes his coat, walk over to it and put it on, and then return to the table and continue eating the niblets until he leaves. The next day at work, complain loudly to everyone that he is awkward and terrible at conversation. He will try to tell people all the weird things you did, but no one will believe him.

15) Church bells and now I’m awake, and I guess it must be some kind of holiday. I can’t seem to join in the celebration. But I’ll go to the service and I’ll go to pray. And I’ll sing the praises of my maker’s name, like I was as good as she made me. And I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me. Seriously bro, heroin!