News & Articles

Union Station -
Los Angeles, CA. Generous stall space, pleasant atmosphere. Surprisingly free of hobos, which is a feat unto itself in this neighborhood. Unfortunately, this restroom tends to be crowded. Long lines often occur, even in the men’s room. Intimidating immigrants abound. There are occasionally problems with pigeons wandering in, but they’re easily scared away by an unpleasant tone of voice. C+

Blackwoods Grill & Bar -
Duluth, MN. Ice in the urinals, replaced regularly, makes for a crisp, satisfying urination. Sexy mood lighting not only tricks drunks like me into thinking it’s okay to be inebriated at 11am, but also provides a debonaire sophistication to the setting, making one feel like a secret agent dropping a bomb at a meeting of international superpowers. That is, until a hillbilly wearing a homemade “who farted” t-shirt enters and shouts a play-by-play commentary of his violent, powerful excretions. As a wise man once said, “Location, location, location.” Preferably a location outside the Twin Ports. B+

Varsity Theater -
Minneapolis, MN. I always prefer numbered stalls over unnumbered ones. It provides direction for the paramedics in case you have a hernia from pushing one out too voraciously. Bartenders also serve drinks over a special counter in the outer hand washing area, just in case things are taking a little longer than expected for your wingman. This feature also provides the option of spending the entire evening drinking whilst sitting on the toilet, a classic move I’ve often employed at other concert venues when young people made me feel nauseous with their unnervingly authentic enthusiasm and desire to loudly sing along with songs I paid an unreasonable amount of money to hear the actual artist sing. Top notch digs. A

Aaron Brown’s house -
Bovey, MN. Available by appointment only, one might expect a little more pizazz from the Iron Range’s most famous author. Toilet paper is adequate. Accommodations are clean, but severely lacking in amenities. No marble statues or widescreen TVs to be found. The daily sports section is not framed above the toilet for convenience, like it should be. The author also appears to have some sort of digestion problem, as he regularly leaves the facilities completely unfit for habitation, no matter how much potpourri or Febreze is used. D+

Albuquerque
International Sunport -
Albuquerque, NM. No one in their right mind would ever willingly travel to Albuquerque, New Mexico, so most of the bathrooms in their “airport” have never been used by human beings before. However, they still have the unfortunate flaw of being located in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a place visited only for meth, discreet suicide attempts and unchastened urinals. C

Anchor Bar -
Superior, WI. Not for the timid, but rewarding for those willing to step outside their comfort zone. This crude, poorly maintained punk rock restroom is filled with graffiti. Twelve years ago, as a downtrodden young lad, I scratched “Superior girls are bitches” on the wall with my car keys and found many notes of support for this statement added by other patrons over the following months. A number of responses even included specific contact information for ladies the commenters perceived as “easier” than most women in the region. This unorthodox form of DIY therapy makes up for the “Saw IV” interior design style. B-

Doubletree Hotel -
Los Angeles, CA. Excellent aura for a room full of toilets. The air smells of soothing oils and lotions. The hand soap is foamy like whipped cream, and leaves your hands feeling soft and moisturized. The toilet paper is fluffy and inviting, as if one were wiping their anus on a warm blanket, fresh from the dryer. Complimentary cucumber water is available in the lobby nearby. Michelin-level quality all around. A+

Fox Plaza Building -
Century City, CA. The great Nakatomi Plaza. This famous landmark used in the original Die Hard film also has a spectacular bathroom on the main level. Marble floors, marble walls and marble countertops give one the feeling of excreting inside an upscale bank vault. The rich smell of lavender overwhelms the senses. Ironically, the air inside this restroom - which is decorated daily with fresh flowers and complimentary mints - is actually nicer than the smoggy air outdoors. Since this office building also houses some employees from the film studio next door, you may get the bonus of overhearing the Senior Vice President of licensing discussing how terrible the upcoming Avatar sequel will be. The only downsides are poor stall lighting and an army of well dressed doormen the building owners hire to keep the riffraff out. But if you approach from the street side entrance and walk straight to the doors on your left like you know what you’re doing, they’ll think you’re important and won’t risk questioning you. B+

Lake Calhoun -
Minneapolis, MN. Who needs a restroom? Minnesota has 10,000 lakes. They won’t mind if you sully one of them. Just wade into the deeps of Calhoun’s sparkling water, discreetly remove your swim trunks and drop a Caddyshack while every pretty person in the Twin Cities jogs past unaware. For bonus points, smile and wave to the pretty people as your gift floats to the surface. No wiping required. B