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Employee:
Welcome to Target! Happy Easter!

Customer: What?

Employee: Happy Easter!
We’re having a sale on egg
coloring kits!

Customer: Easter? It’s October.
I’m here to buy Halloween candy.

Employee: Halloween?
What are you, an idiot?
Halloween is THIS WEEK.
We cleared out all our Halloween
candy months ago.

Customer: I’ll probably regret
asking this, but when did you
stop selling Halloween candy?

Employee: March.

Customer: Wouldn’t it be
stale by October?

Employee: Look at my nametag.
 Does it say “Willy Wonka”?
I don’t make the candy,
I just sell it.

Customer: Do you? Because
 it’s the day before Halloween
and you don’t have any.

Employee: Limited edition.
Sold out. You should’ve stopped
by in January.

Customer: Or March, apparently.

Employee: No, March is for
suckers. We triple the price in
February, since that’s when every
one’s desperate for last minute
Halloween candy.

Another Target employee walks
by with a Christmas tree.
He lights it on fire and throws
 it into a waste bin.

Customer: Did he throw away
that Christmas tree? You know
you could probably sell that to
 someone over the next
few months.

Employee: Christmas is done.
It’s October, dumbass. Ever heard
 of a calendar? January through
 March is Halloween season. April
is Thanksgiving season. May
 through September is the
Christmas season. In October,
we light all the Christmas trees
on fire and toss them in a
dumpster.

Customer: Is there a reason
you light them on fire?

Employee: Because it’s fun.

Customer: It DOES look fun.

Employee: Are you going to
buy something? If not, I’m
authorized to use this taser on you.

Customer: Do you have any
Easter stuff showing Jesus on
 the cross? That’s kinda
Halloweenish.

Employee: We did, but now it’s
gone. Easter season only lasts a
few days. It just ended five
minutes ago.

Customer: What season is it now?

Employee: Cinco de Mayo.

Customer: I could definitely
use a drink, so I guess that works.

Employee: Sorry, we don’t
sell booze.

Customer: Then what do you
sell for Cinco de Mayo?

Employee: Paper plates with
 the number five on them.

Customer: That does sound
nice. How much are they?

Employee: Forty bucks.
They were cheaper when
we started this conversation.
You waited too long.

Customer: Do you sell guns?

Employee: No, that’s Walmart.

Customer: Maybe I can pick up
some Halloween candy there
 before I come back and shoot y
you in the face.

Employee: Bitch, please.
Walmart is even further ahead
than us. They’re selling Christmas
 2016 stuff right now.

Customer: So it’s almost come
 around full circle? They’re so far
 ahead that I can almost buy
holiday supplies on time?

Employee: Yeah, but it’s
preorders. You can buy it now,
but you can’t pick it up
until 2016.
Customer: What about Kmart?
Their stores are perpetually stuck
in 1983. Can I get candy from
 them?

Employee: No, I think they’re
 selling Martin Luther King Jr.
stuff right now.

Old Woman: Hello, young man.
 Do you have any flags leftover
 from the Fourth of July?
My recently deceased husband
was in the Navy and we need
a flag for his coffin. Oh, how
I miss him and his . . .

The employee tasers the old
woman until she collapses
on the floor.

Customer: I think I’m gonna go.

Employee: Feliz Cinco de Mayo
Thanks for shopping with us!