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The Minnesota Vikings tasted victory again Sunday, losing their fourth game of the season and inching closer to the first pick of the NFL draft. After suffering a sizeable setback the week before in their win against Pittsburgh, the team rebounded to reassert itself as one of the most consistently mediocre teams in the league.

“It was so much fun to watch,” said Nate Poopington of Minneapolis. “The second time Matt Cassel threw the ball 15 yards past his receiver for an interception, I almost peed myself a little. That was when I knew we were running away with this one. Come April, we’ll have the best pick in the draft to waste on some turd quarterback who would normally go in the third or fourth round, making us even worse than before. I can’t wait!”

After six weeks, the Vikings are in fifth place for the top draft pick, only a game and a half behind toilet league juggernauts like Jacksonville and the New York Giants. The Vikings will get their chance to suck it big time against the Giants next week, and have a schedule the rest of the season that pretty much ensures non-stop failure.

“Hell yeah, we the shittiest!” shouted Cornelius Watercloset of Minneapolis while celebrating on Sixth St. “We ain’t got time for no W’s, baby! Nothing but L’s for this team. We’re like the Vince Lombardi of shitty!”

Some Carolina fans were disgruntled over their unfortunate win, both disappointed in their own team’s excellent play and suspicious of a Vikings team that almost seemed too awful to be believeable.

“It was a little fishy,” said Carolyn Toiletface, a Carolina fan. “I mean, we had 11 penalties last week, but we go on their home turf and suddenly only get half that? The refs were bullshit. 35-10, man. It’s just embarrassing. We didn’t deserve that large of a win. This sort of thing could raise our team’s spirits in a way that we won’t be able to turn around for weeks.”

NFL officials have reviewed the game and found no foul play, but even with official confirmation, some longtime Vikings fans agreed with Toiletface.

“I feel bad for Carolina,” said John Buttpie of Duluth. “It wasn’t even close. When Jamarca Sanford dropped that easy interception, I felt like it was just poor sportsmanship on our part, grandstanding and rubbing our gross incompetence in their faces. We’re already losing to them by 32 points. There’s no need for us to start showboating. We need to be more respectful and humble with our overwhelming lack of talent.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: JAMARCA SANFORD IS A REAL FOOTBALL PLAYER.

WE CHECKED.

Vikings Coach Leslie Frazier, who has repeatedly dismissed accusations that having the first name of a teenage girl gives his players an unfair mental disadvantage, brushed off any idea of the game being rigged.

“Sure, we only rushed Adrian Peterson 10 times, despite the fact that he was getting six yards per carry,” said Frazier, “but that’s perfectly legal. There’s no rule against that. People keep accusing me of cheating, saying my play calls make it impossible for us to win, but that’s talent. Our entire team, from our overrated players to our no-name, clueless coaches, are organically terrible at football. It’s a gift, and it’s been with this organization since we started in 1961. We suck balls. We don’t need to cheat to be the worst team in the league.”

Vikings players were especially vocal after the big loss, even going so far as to imply that God shines more brightly on them than other teams.

“I just prayed and asked God to give me the strength to get through the game and remain unfocused, and for the most part, I did,” said Cassel. “The win against Pittsburgh was a terrible setback that ruined our perfect season, but we learned from it. Longtime Vikings fans can rest assured that we’ll never win again.”

“Jesus! Jeeeesus helped me!” said wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson, who caught two passes for a total of three yards. “Sweet Jesus, goddamn! I mean, Jesus hey. Hey Jesus! I can’t believe I . . . Jesus! Holy Jesus monster truck Hot Pockets two for a dollar Jesus H. Christ banana pie Lord amercy! Jesus! Reebok. Jesus!”

Some fans, like Rob Vaginabuttface of Blaine, still pine for the old days, despite how efficiently the team is currently losing.

“Remember in the 1987 NFC Championship game when Darrin Nelson dropped that touchdown pass on fourth and four?” said Vaginabuttface. “Half the state almost committed suicide. I still watch that play on YouTube. Amazing work. There’s something to be said about getting people’s hopes up before dashing them completely. That’s what’s missing from this current team: artistic flair.”

Some say those glory days may be back, thanks to the Vikings signing free agent quarterback Josh Freeman last week. Freeman is talented, but has a habit of having complete mental breakdowns that can bring an entire team down with him.

“We’re not stupid,” said Frazier. “Freeman was a Viking before he even knew he was a Viking. Now he’s just coming home. He’s a head case, he doesn’t know our offense at all and he’s had no time to bond with his receivers. Green Bay’s going to tear him three new assholes. I can’t wait.”