News & Articles

1) Have sex, assuming any woman would want to with some loser who can’t even afford a house with working electricity.

2) Masturbate. To what, I’m not sure. This may be the internet’s most valid purpose. Maybe you have a Paula Deen cookbook with her picture on the front? Hate bating is the new hate fucking, folks.

3) You could use this new surplus of free time to catch up on all those long, dull Mad Men episodes you haven’t gotten around to... goddamn it. I forgot that the power’s out.
4) Go see a movie... goddamn it. That requires electricity, too.

5) Make yourself some popcorn in the micro—goddamn it! Electricity!

6) Surf the internet on your 2.3 GHz quad-core processor cellphone until the battery dies around noon, like it does every day.

7) Shave your cat. They like it! If I’m wrong and they don’t, I’m sure they’ll let you know real fast.

8) Drink peppermint schnapps alone in the dark, like you do every night.

9) Visit places where college kids gather and pick a fight with them. This is what people in their late-20s did in the old days when they were bored. If you lost a tooth, it was kind of like the modern equivalent of getting a color bomb in Candy Crush Saga.
10) Mow the lawn at night. It will be fun in the morning to see how it turned out.
11) Eat all the popsicles in the freezer until you throw up, and then watch your dog eat your vomit. Hey man, there’s no TV. You have to watch something.

12) Think of meaningless phrases you could utter at work other than “cool cool.” People are kinda sick of you responding to everything they say with “cool cool.”
13) Head out to your shed and build a sex robot. Name it “Donny” or “Large Marge.” Sure, you don’t have any engineering skills or experience with robotics, so it will probably just end up being some type of tube sock with a taser inside it, but nobody can judge you. The power’s out and the television doesn’t work.
14) Be alone with your thoughts for a while. Then set yourself on fire a few minutes later, because that’s much more enjoyable than spending alone time with a horrible person like yourself.

15) Go into the woods and shoot something furry. If it turns out to be Duluth News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook, apologize to him afterward and offer to suck the shrapnel out of his buttocks.

16) Listen to a battery-powered radio. Preferably one of those large ghetto blaster boomboxes that people used to blast on the train before everyone switched to annoying others with rap music playing through the speaker on their iPhone.
17) Maybe you could teach yourself to dance. Or maybe you could kill yourself. Flip a coin and let fate decide!

18) I’d suggest reading a book, but that would involve both of us pretending that we read things that don’t include liquor store coupons or free prizes inside of them.

19) You could do some meth. Call Spanky at (218) 730-5400. He does this funny joke where he pretends you’ve mistakenly called the Duluth Police Department, but it’s all just a trick to make sure you REALLY want meth.

20) Buy a gallon of NyQuil and sleep 16 hours per day until the world fixes itself again. It’s still better than reading books.