Area 51 and a Half Found in Finlayson

The world’s most secret military installation, located in the Nevada desert, has been dubbed Area 51. Though never acknowledged by the U.S. government, the wildest speculations have been written about the place, from UFO sightings to secret weapons experimentation.

This past month the Reader verified an even more secret military compound on the outskirts of Finlayson called Area 51 and a Half. The shocking discovery may have ramifications for the Northland.  
“I’d always believed there was something strange going on out there,” said Abel Fitzmeyer, part time bartender at Rich’s Bar in Sandstone. “There were just too many rumors.”

An unnamed Oberstar staff member, now retired, made off-the-record disclosures regarding the actual purpose of Nevada’s Area 51. “Definitely a red herring,” this source affirmed. “The government was happy to see books being published about Area 51. The Roswell myths also helped divert attention from the top-secret missions that were being conducted from Area 51 and a Half.”

The primary confirmation came from a retired doctor who served at Area 51 and a Half for more than thirty years. “As you know the Air Force can’t afford to have any nutcases flying some of these experimental aircraft we’ve been developing,” Dr. Vern Handel stated. A psychiatrist by profession, Dr. Handel performed mental health checkups on everyone related to Area 51 and a Half. “I had a small staff who helped administer the periodic Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory testing that we did there. Pilots were required to meet with me privately at least once a month. We had a few strange ones, but only one that we had to dismiss. I don’t think any of us found out what happened to him.”

In researching Area 51 and a Half the Reader discovered that Google has been complicit in concealing the activity there. Google Maps alters all satellite images from the area as well as several other top secret locations in Turkey, Australia and the Horn of Africa. “You can’t dwell on it too much or it will start to creep you out,” Dr. Handel complained. “I’m quite uncomfortable with the experimental dragonfly-sized drones that have been active in Northland surveillance. I’m surprised they can get away with it.”

Editor’s Note: The journalist who assembled this report has been purportedly missing since March 23.

Credits

Ed Newman

Director of advertising at AMSOIL, Inc. in Superior. Newman is also an artist, a musician and author of four books. He has been interviewing interesting people for over 25 years.

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