Your health care crisis could be over

Forrest Johnson

A key component of the federal Affordable Care Act in Minnesota will be the creation of a state-run health care exchange.
We at the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) have created a sensible, affordable, cost-effective way to manage rising health care costs. We also believe, as our model shows, that the only way to reverse the growth of the most expensive health care system in the world is to regulate cost. There is no magic bullet that will stem the free market from cashing in on the misfortunes of others unless we remove the greed like a bad spleen and put our common humanity, not vulture medicine, into the system.
NUFA is presently working with the state to ensure that our lightly patented and heavily inclusive proposal will be available in 2014.
Please consider the NUFA-backed Camp Shack system as you determine your health care needs.
Many Americans have been forced to re-examine their health care plans in recent years, perhaps due to burdensome costs, jobs being shipped overseas, ongoing criminal investigations and/or congressional subpoenas, unexplained loss of citizenship, pre-existing conditions, or other impertinent reasons.
Any move toward truly universal health care reform at the national level appears tenuous at best, so why not try the next best thing. No other health care plan offers such personal security along with a free pair of American-made “We The People” drinking gloves that keep your favorite cocktail, wine, or beer cold while keeping your hands warm. Remember, a few drinks are good for you when you are in moderation.
Sticker shock is rampant throughout the populace when eyeing health care plans and insurance.
No matter—we at Camp Shack Medical Indemnity Insurance Health Care Trust Inc., Ltd., LLC, IOU understand your plight.
Tired of health insurance benefit summary forms that read like a will or a legal brief from the patent office? Confused by language that describes a complex chemical formula better than a health care plan?
Camp Shack Medical Indemnity Insurance Health Trust Inc., Ltd., LLC, IOU is here to offer you low-cost, low-budget, cheap health care that is performed relentlessly and with as much precision as can be expected using simple tools under the gentle glow of propane lights.
Our leisurely-trained medical staff—no, they’re not necessarily doctors—have performed many successful field operations, including minor and major stitching jobs, mending of broken faces, organ and limb replacements, and attending to lacerations and broken bones due to late night recreational mishaps that occur on moonless nights with the temperatures below zero near unmapped sheer cliffs that descend into major rivers that are partially frozen.
No costly anesthesiology, no noxious gases or needles full of toxic drugs. Just a good, solid, carefully placed thump on the head with a large mallet and you’re ready for surgery quicker than it takes to recite “Mary had a little lamb…”
Some patients have said that our patented Bonk Technology feels somewhat like a hangover. And we all know that a hangover doesn’t last any longer than the fun you had the night before.
How can we provide such quality health care at such a low price? Our minimalist, low-tech methods are standard operating procedure.
Physician access and referrals? Not needed.
Deductibles? Nope.
Specialist visits? You’re special to us. That’s good enough.
Annual physicals? Stop by the hunting shack for a visit anytime. We accept wine, beer, hard liquor, wild game, and fruits and vegetables produced by sustainable means.
Payment plans are structured by body mass, shoe size, barometric pressure, and a handshake. It’s that simple.
Lab, X-rays, and diagnostic tests? We hold you up to our brightest propane light and see what we see. If you prefer, and the weather cooperates, we’ll hold you up to natural sunlight to better see what ails you.
Outpatient surgery? The shack only has six bunks and they’re all taken. You’ll be in and out of the operating room real quick, we guarantee. We offer free patient delivery back to the shack of your choice.
Emergency room facilities? Everything at the hunting shack is an emergency.
Mental health and chemical dependency treatment? We’re not crazy. You crazy. Have a beer and a vitamin cigar while browsing the many titles in our allegorical library. Please, no ashes on the floor, and whatever you do, don’t talk to the librarian. He is crazy.

Our renowned four-step program is the talk of the industry:

1)You hobble or drag yourself to the shack
2)You sit down
3) We determine by process of deductive reasoning and poking at your wounds what’s wrong
4) We fix

“I was in and out of their shack, all fixed up, in less than an hour. My wounds have healed completely except for the slight limp caused by an infection from the baling wire that was used to hold my leg together. My fault, though. I was sent home with a bottle of cheap bourbon and instead of soaking the wound like I was supposed to, I drank it all instead. And the whole procedure didn’t take a single bite out of my bank account either.”
-Clarence Lump, Silver Bay

“Those fellows will consult with you prior to any use of saws, clamps, soldering irons, cutting torches or chisels. You won’t be rushed or pressured into a decision regarding the most important thing you have, your health. But they don’t waste valuable time worrying about the small stuff. If the pain of your extreme injury has you addled, they’ll make the appropriate decision for you. If they decide that a limb has to go or that exploratory surgery is needed fast, you can be sure that they’re thinking of your welfare first and foremost. And I tell you, I’ve never had such cheap medical care in my life.”
-Will Hurt, Fall Lake Township

Don’t waste any more of your hard-earned money on preposterous health care plans. If you’re injured, or just need a check-up, stop by the shack now and sign up for the Camp Shack Medical Indemnity Insurance Health Trust Inc., Ltd., LLC, IOU plan. Don’t wait.
Note: Offer not available in most states or where appropriate permits or licensing are required.