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A Charlie Brown Christmas
Jesus! No, I’m not being blasphemous. I’m using the phrase in a literal sense. There’s a whole lotta Jesus in this cartoon. Everything starts out fine, with the whole neighborhood taking a piss on Charlie Brown like usual, and then for no reason, right in the middle of the show, Linus halts all that fun to give a lengthy lecture about Jesus. Am I the only one who fast-forwards through this part? Can’t I just drink six beers and masturbate to Peppermint Patty’s flip flops like a normal person?

How the Grinch
Stole Christmas
Why doesn’t the Grinch wear pants? No wonder everyone in Whoville was so up in arms. There was a devious, pantsless bastard sneaking into their homes with his wiener poking out from under his shirt.

I always thought this cartoon would have been much more interesting if in the end it was revealed that the “roast beast” the Whos ate as their Christmas meal was the Grinch’s brother, and it turned out the Whos hunt grinches for sport and the main antagonist was actually a hero fighting for revenge. And then after luring him into the big feast with the promise of friendship, the Whos stab the Grinch to death with their tiny knives and Little Cindy Lou eats one of his eyeballs while staring into the camera eerily. Maybe they did that in the Jim Carrey version. Can anyone confirm?

A Garfield Christmas
All of Jon’s male relatives look like oddly shaped penises. Also, Jon’s grandma has huge tits. If Lou Rawls were alive today, I’d pay him to sing a Garfield Christmas song about both of these topics.

It’s Christmas time
and Garfield’s here,
Grandma’s giant titties
are in their seventieth year,
Dad and Doc Boy’s heads
are wrinkly dongs,
Lou Rawls is getting
paid to sing this song.
Gonna spend that money
on a pound of smack,
then I’m gonna jizz on
a hooker’s back.
I’m Lou Rawls and I’m
a pile of bones,
I’ve been dead for years;
Paul should leave me alone.

It’s much better if you imagine it being sung in Lou Rawls’ voice. However, that’s easy for me, because every internal thought I have is spoken in Lou Rawls’ voice.

Mickey’s Christmas Carol
The entire way through, all I can think about is how rad Duck Tales was back in the day. Then I stop paying attention halfway through after finding an emulator version of the old Duck Tales Nintendo game online. It’s way more fun than watching Mickey get pushed around like a big pussy, like he does in all his cartoons. No wonder he and Minnie aren’t married yet. Lock that business down, you coward. You’ve known her for years and she’s still thin. It doesn’t get any better than that, son.

Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer
I like Rudolph in the beginning, when he’s a punk rock kid with a messed up nose and hangs out with a gay midget dentist, a half-retarded gold digger, and an angry monster with a violent streak. But I dislike him in the end, when he sells out and starts working for The Man. That fat bastard Santa has quite the little sweatshop going up there. No unions, no competition. Congrats, Rudolph. You just joined the Walmart of the North Pole. The reason you have such limited work hours is because it keeps Santa from having to offer you health insurance.

I also have a problem with the coach at the reindeer tryouts. A deer cannot blow a whistle. It is a fact. They don’t have lips. You need lips to blow a goddamn whistle. Everybody knows that. Do you hear me, Robert May?! Your story has scientific flaws! It is poorly written! Scientific flaws, man! I’m surprised the ending didn’t have a turtle eating a popsicle or an elderly person driving the speed limit. All three of these examples are RIDICULOUS ideas that are UNREALISTIC.

Frosty the Snowman
Hey little girl, maybe Frosty wouldn’t melt so quickly if you stopped hugging him so much. Idiot.

A Christmas Story
“Ohhhh fuuuuuck.” That’s what Ralphie said when he dropped the hubcap full of bolts while helping his dad change the car tire. I was greatly confused by this as a child, assuming that his mom washed his mouth out with soap because he said “fudge.” For years, I thought she was the hugest bitch. Years! So for all the small children reading this column (and there’s quite a few—with parental controls on computers getting much more sophisticated these days, this column is one of the few ways kids can learn the latest curse words), please be aware that Ralphie said “fuck.” Also, please be aware that Santa Claus isn’t real. That guy at the mall is just a child molester who hasn’t been caught yet. That’s why Ralphie’s little brother was so afraid of him.

The Muppet Christmas Carol
Why do muppets bounce with every step they take? Is it because their balls touch the ground and the cold concrete gives them a jolt? These valid questions are never addressed in this classic holiday film, wasting Michael Caine’s brilliance. I wrote him a letter telling him all this, and all I got back was a formulaic thank you letter with a signed photo. What an asshole.