News & Articles

- A large, delicious sandwich I can eat whilst sitting on the toilet. Did using the word “whilst” make it sound more upscale and classy? No? Well that doesn’t mean I don’t still want it.

- A pelican. Why? Because YOU don’t have one. That’s why.

- Peace and love on Earth, and goodwill towards all. Except my college history professor, whom I would like someone to force feed a bag of dicks.

- Legislation banning weekly football games from having theme songs. You’ve had many chances, NFL. Your mild success with Hank Williams Jr. 21 YEARS AGO was a fluke.

- Cheap gift idea - a plastic bag! I’ve always wanted to try auto-erotic asphyxiation, but I’ve never been able to find a plastic bag large enough to fit my enormous head.

- A nude photo of . . . um, well I was going to ask for nude photos of my favorite actresses, but I honestly can’t think of a single one who doesn’t already have sex tapes and/or naked photos available on the internet. Even the hot NFL sideline reporters can be found with a simple Google Image search. I guess I’m already a very fortunate person. Maybe I should stop with all this greed and give back to my community. I feel strange, like my small heart has grown three times larger today. I feel like I should give to the poor. No, not my money or possessions. Jesus, I’m not an idiot. I meant nude photos of Eva Green and Natalie Portman from the internet. I’m going to start printing these out at work right now!

- The 1985 Pontiac Bonneville that Richard Dreyfuss uses as his sex lair. I just want to borrow it for the weekend and maybe paste some pictures of sharks in it so I can yell “We’re going to need a bigger boat!” at the exact moment I impregnate strange women. If Dreyfuss won’t allow me to modify the car with shark pictures, or refuses to rent it without him being in it the whole time, then please walk away from the deal.

- A DVD of the new 17-hour Ken Burns documentary, “Milton Berle’s Penis”. Since it’s being purchased through PBS, the two-disc set will cost you $173.

- A gift card to Forever 21. It doesn’t need to have any money on it; I’m just a creepy guy looking for an excuse to hit on 18-year-old girls at Forever 21.

- A gift card to Baby Gap. It doesn’t need to have any money on it; I’m just a creepy guy looking for an excuse to hit on preggie chicks at Baby Gap.

- A gift card to Hot Topic. That’s where I buy all my underwear.

- A pair of new shoes. What. Not all of these have to be funny. I just want a pair of goddamn shoes for Christmas, all right?

- This request is a two-part gift. Part #1: A box of rocks. Part #2: A Michelle Bachman at which to throw the rocks.

- One of those video games where you shoot people in the face and run over elderly people with a van and slip a live grenade into the back pocket of a hooker just to see how realistic it looks when her organs splatter against a wall. I think there’s at least three of these games released every month. It’s very important that I play all of them.

- “The Reindeer Camps,” an excellent book of poetry by Barton Sutter. Also, season five of Gossip Girl on DVD. Shut up! I can like both! Don’t tell me what things to like! Life is not just your damned line graphs and dry vermouth, woman!

- A fine woman who enjoys dry vermouth and the creation - and then analyzation - of well-constructed line graphs.

- The guy who plays Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire to come over to my apartment and write raps with me. 1920s raps!

- A dog. I have asked for this every Christmas for the past 33 years, but never received one. I’ve often thought of buying one myself, but then when I go on vacation I won’t be able to go back to the person who gifted the dog to me and say, “Well you bought the damn thing; just take care of it for a few days!” That’s really the most important part of owning a dog.

- A leather jacket. Would I look cool in a leather jacket? What about a leather Snuggie? Both are on sale at Kmart.

- A gun with one bullet in it and a plane ticket to the North Pole. Someone forgot to bring me Hungry Hungry Hippos for Christmas last year, and he will get what he deserves.