News & Articles

Fri, Sept. 14 @ 3pm -
Department of Chemistry
& Biochemistry Welcomes
Neil Garg
Life Sciences Bldg
Use complex molecule synthesis as a fuel for discovery.

Fri, Sept 14 @ 9pm
- The Avengers
Griggs Beach
Watch The Avengers under the stars on Griggs Beach!

Tues, Sept. 18 @ 8pm
- Craft Night
Kirby Rafters
Supplies are free! Come make crafts and meet others who also like to make crafts. Maybe you’ll meet a slut.

Sat, Sept. 22 @ 10am
- Drink warm beer from
a keg in some guy’s car trunk
Griggs Field
Hey, do you like soccer? No? Well, neither do we, but it’s a lot of fun if you can’t see straight. Nothing beats a hangover like drinking skunky beer out of a questionable man’s car trunk. Bring your own cup. A beer cup, not a nut cup. Unless you think you need one. It’s up to you.

Sat, Sept. 22 @ 8pm - Learn
to Cook with Fancy Ray!
Fancy Ray’s house
Hey man, what you like? Hot Pockets? Pop Tarts? Funyuns? McDonald’s? Lean Cuisine? Fancy Ray can make it all! Learn cooking from the most fanciest Ray of all-time! You ain’t gonna find no fancier Ray. Go ahead and look. Fancy Ray can wait.

Tues, Sept. 24 @ 8pm
- AIDS Machine
Montague Hall
An AIDS machine? What’s that? Is it a machine that cures AIDS? Or does the machine give people AIDS? Come stick your finger in it and find out!

Wed, Sept. 26 @ 10pm - Mud
Wrestling Bikini Lesbians
Kirby Student Center
Twelve of the oldest and sexiest nuns from nearby St. Scholastica hold their annual fundraiser, where they disrobe and see who’s the Ultimate Abbess. The most slippery lady wins! Contestants can only defeat their opponents by dislocating their shoulders. Last bitch without an arm out of socket is the champ. $5 admission.

Thurs, Sept. 27 @ 4pm
- Zombie Apocalypse Training
UMD Library
This is actually just a math club, but no one would show up if we called it that.

Fri, Sept 28 @ 8pm - JOIN THE
STUDENT ACTIVITY
BOARD!!!!
Kirby Lounge
COME JOIN US!!! WE PLAN STUDENT EVENTS!!! HELP US PLAN ACTIVITIES THAT ARE NORMALLY ONLY PARTICIPATED IN BY HALF-COMATOSE ELDERLY PEOPLE WHO ARE STUCK IN A WHEELCHAIR AT A NURSING HOME AND CAN’T ESCAPE!!! WE’RE VERY EXCITABLE!!! WE LOVE BEING EXCITED ABOUT THINGS THAT BORE A NORMAL PERSON!!! WE ALSO LOVE EXCLAMATION POINTS AND USING THEM IN ALL THE SIGNS WE HANG AROUND CAMPUS!! JOIN US!!! JOIN US OR WE’LL KILL OURSELVES!!!

Sat, Sept. 29 @ 11pm
- Smoke pot with some dudes
Vermillion Hall
If you’re introverted and haven’t really met anyone around campus yet, just sit in the grass and light up a joint. You won’t be lonely for long. There are always a series of dudes who will stand around and talk if you’re willing to share. Ahh, friendship. It’s not so hard after all.

Tues, Oct. 1 @ 5pm
- Who is Kirby?
Kirby Place on Kirby Dr.
Seriously, who the fuck is this Kirby person, and why are so many goddamn places named after him? Did he boff the chancellor’s mom on top of the Tweed Museum of Art or something? Jesus, enough already. Unless he had a 12-inch dong, you need to stop dropping his name all over campus like dog turds.

Thurs, Oct. 4 @ 8pm
- Worthless, dead careers, and
why you should avoid them
KUMD
Join the entire staff of KUMD to hear about how terrible their lives have been since choosing a career in radio. Who listens to the damn radio anymore? Nobody, that’s who. That’s what iPods are for. In the real world, “radio DJs” are just recordings of Ryan Seacrest introducing Top 40 songs. Seminar also includes special guest speaker Paul Ryan, who will discuss his degree in print journalism.

Fri, Oct 5 @ Midnight
 - Freeze your ass off
swimming in some cold-ass
lake with gross seaweed in it
Park Point
Lake Superior: It’s cold 11.5 months out of the year. You will most certainly regret swimming in it. If you’re drunk, you’ll also probably drown. Most of the wiser locals recommend buying an inflatable kiddie pool at Kmart.

Sat, Oct 6 @ 6:30pm - Bus to
random event in Twin Cities
Kirby Student Center bus hub
Duluth is boring. That’s why we offer a bus to some random event in the Twin Cities pretty much every other week. Non-high school sporting event? Twin Cities. Movie that isn’t directed by Michael Bay? Twin Cities. Concert by bands not made up of classmates from your high school? Meh, I guess I have to get on that UMD bus to the Twin Cities again.

Mon, Oct 8 @ 9pm
- Open Mic Night
Kirby Rafters
Oh God, no. Please, not an open mic night. It’s just not fair to the people in the audience. If one more guy with a beard sings an acoustic Jason Mraz song, I’m going to go onstage next and cut myself.

Wed, Oct. 10 @ 1pm
- Equity & Diversity Workshop
Kirby Student Center
Oh. I’m the only white person here. Shit. Well, I can’t leave without looking racist, so I guess I’ll just sit here and stare blankly into the distance.

Fri, Oct 12 @10pm
- Sweet Poontangin’
Marshall W. Alworth Planetarium
Come with a lady or your man, or even come by yourself. When the lights go down and the stars begin to glow, that’s when we all gonna fuck.