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I’m afraid I too highly sang the praises of the carrot last week. I stand corrected and rebuked. The carrot has less high favor than I wrote. First there are those who dislike its sugar content, but the poor carrot also fits into that group of vegies some see as not-so-innocent. It’s the shape, you see. Leading the objectionable shape category is the banana, objection to it and similar shapes being of a religious nature based on the finding that certain shapes are too arousing and one gender that needs be shielded from them. I’m not making this up. I watched a video of a cleric speaking sincerity of vegetable dangers to morality; specifically that of one gender known from holy fact to be weaker than the other and in need of protection. I had no idea such ideas were given much favor, but with the aid of Saudi oil money a wealth of moral improvement can be bought.

Having been alerted to the moral danger of the banana I paid closer attention in the produce section of the grocery; lots of bananas there. For as long as I can remember bananas have been openly displayed in stores. It would be difficult to buy bananas if the stores hid them or kept them under the counter with the male magazines. In more than fifty years of recollection I can’t recall a single time when a woman fell into a fit of passion in the produce aisle. I think I’d remember such a thing if it happened. But no, both genders seem able to pass by bananas, cucumbers, zucchini, and great horny turnips without trouble. Thank the Almighty we have religion to warn us of these dangers, however, which in the program I watched included in the religiously correct way to cut a tomato. The proper way to slice a tomato is from the top or stem-side down. When cut the other direction (across the grain so to speak) the inner structure of the tomato reveals a cross, so if you cut it that way you’re risking idolatry which is very serious indeed. I’m so glad we have religious thinkers to help us over these otherwise unseen dangers. I’m almost afraid to go through the produce section for fear an orgy will erupt over suggestive material laying in the open. I am much obliged and will keep my moral guard up when among the more suggestive vegies.

So, I apologize for having naively praised the carrot without regard for its potentially sinful side and atop that I have to bow in humility and take back my many words making light of dragon boats this last time and times previous. There I was at the dragon boat fest on Saturday and it was an absolute charm to find absolutely no fuss or bother over Thai culture whatever other than name and pretense. This makes commercialism and enjoyment so much easier, and what better to bond a community than money coming in under any pretext whatever? We could celebrate Hindenburg to the same effect if only he’d been thoughtful enough to send his zeppelin to Grand Marais instead of Lakehurst. So, sadly, the Hindenburg is out but most worthily replaced by dragon boats. After looking into this further Thai dragon boats are not far afield at all. You need not hear a single Sawadee to feel and know the presence. Of course, it is a complicated story. No one is completely sure.

One view holds that the Asian Thai had nothing to do with it. The Phoenicians and Israel’s Thirteenth Tribe came first. The Phoenicians (more able as sailors than we guessed) got word of Isle Royale copper and came here to get it. It’s unclear who told them about the copper but it was not the Tribe because they were (if the Mormons have it right) in search of the center of the universe which has been religiously determined to be a point in Kansas or possibly Nebraska depending on how devout you are. The center was settled and cultivated but there was trouble because those who’d been there first didn’t want to give it up. There was a great battle, all signs of which are lost. After that things reverted to wild ways with none of the Thirteenth’s camels or bronze weapons, etc. having survived the flood. It’s always good to have a way to tie up the loose ends of an account, especially the conjecture brand.

I hold to the notion the Norse and Celts should hold court because what is a knar other than a dragon boat? It’s a case of right boat but wrong builders. You see, if you follow the trail of Viking mooring stones across the north and down to Kensington you have a true path that can be followed to this day and giving adequate proof that this same route was of equal use in the far past when Noah released carrier pigeons with info on natural deposits such as Isle Royale copper. (You can’t discount the importance of Isle Royale copper in the ancient world without losing volumes of conjecture.)

Curious research suggests Asians heard of Norse dragon boats here and decided to cross the Pacific to challenge them to a race. The Pacific proved tougher to cross (blame El Nino) than anticipated so the Asians arrived late. The important thing is they got here to carry on the tradition of rice harvesting and copper mining using the ancient methods of water smithing using vast volumes of liquid to free the elements, which perfectly explains how Lake Superior got so deep sitting near as it does the flat Great Plains. Clear to those able to see it is the Asian side of our food. Tartar sauce to be served with fish cakes could only come by way of the Asian Tartars who invaded Europe so often and left proof they reached here in their Sauce Tartar. The glory of pseudo-science and religious zealotry is their ability to accomplish the impossible. How else could we have the Phoenicians of Isle Royale or idolatry in a tomato? And now you know.