NCNP party platform is a cry for help, and NUFA is there

Forrest Johnson

This is a National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) alert.
Members of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP), formerly known only as Republicans, have gone insane, and NUFA will do its part to rehabilitate and bring these lost souls back into the human fold. As an organization that believes in the goodness of all people, even nut cases, NUFA will step in and carry out its obligation to take care of others as we would wish they would do for us if we went crazy with abject and backwards social, scientific, and political thought.
Thinking that you can keep doing the same thing over and over, praying to the gods of the free market and ignoring a shared social commitment by cutting it to shreds, and believing it will turn out different, that prosperity will return and everybody will have an equal shot at the American Dream, is the definition of insanity.
We kind of thought of adding backwards religious thought into the mix, but you can only do so much at any one time. Are NCNP members truly backwards in their religious beliefs as well? Well, consider just a few tidbits from the 2012 NCNP Standing Platform—you know, the framework for political belief—and you’ll see that they aren’t just nuts, they’re outright comical. But we’re laughing with them and not at them. NUFA members would never laugh at anyone else’s outlandish behavior or beliefs. We support them and want to help them.
The NCNP platform says,
“We recognize the blessings that God has bestowed on this great Nation. We also recognize the sanctity of life and the central role of the traditional family in our society. We work to defend those values in order to strengthen our families and communities.”
Now isn’t that a holier-than-thou statement of principle? But wait a minute. What kind of God are we talking about here: a Christian god, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, what? We need to know these things if we’re going to get to the root of the problem. Crazy people usually come right out and say what they actually think. They don’t cloak their beliefs in general terms. These people are beyond crazy. They are obviously hiding their own anxieties from themselves. Boy, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
The NCNP platform also says,
“We believe that every classroom should be required to display the United States flag and recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily. In keeping with our heritage, all history classes should include information about the important role religion played in our Nation’s founding, including study of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and other original sources…
“We should continue to encourage voluntary expression of religious beliefs and traditions of students. Specifically, educators who discuss creation science should be protected from disciplinary action and science standards should recognize that there is controversy pertaining to the theory of evolution.”
Yes, yes, we know the planet is only 6,000 years old, give or take a few hundred years, but why would this universally agreed-upon fact need to be included in a political party platform? Yes, yes, we understand that atheist scientists and their evolutionary theory cohorts are out there just trying to rile up the population against God. We know God is on your side and not their side. We know heathens and rabble rousers when we see them. Still, why would such things be needed in a political platform, other than as comic relief?
Qualified NUFA caregivers will help NCNP members get to the bottom of their deepest-held worries and anxieties. They are crying out for help, we can see that. All we can do is try to help them before the next election so they don’t have to vote for lost causes and principles abandoned back in the Dark Ages.
There is more proof of their slide into mental duress.
The NCNP platform says the party fully intends to protect and develop our natural resources:
“The Republican Party of Minnesota believes we are stewards of our natural resources and agricultural lands and the Constitution is our guide. We support maintaining clean air, water and land by addressing threats proven by peer-reviewed scientific research using sensible and economically reasonable solutions. We oppose policies, legislation and mandates that are based on the theory that humans are responsible for global climate change including the Theory of Man-Made Global Warming, as well as energy policies that raise the cost of energy to consumers and do nothing to protect the environment. Those that cause pollution should bear the cost of environmental cleanup.”
Yes, NUFA has quite a task ahead to bring these lost souls back to reality. Make no mistake, NUFA has faced such abstract thought before, and we’ll get their heads out of the sand even if we have to shovel the whole beach into wheelbarrows and haul it away load by load.
Remember, we’re not laughing at them, we’re laughing with them.