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Next week is Comic Con, the American version of Japan’s SofubiCon, which is an annual festival where people exchange artistic porcelain vaginas. Ours is more about pop culture and comic books, though. Here are some non-vaginal tips for attendees of this iconic conference.

- If you’re actually going to Comic Con because you like comic books, congratulations! You’re one of three people there for that purpose. Everyone else is just there to watch movie trailers and subtly brush up against the boobs of booth babes.

- Speaking of them, when taking photos of the “booth babes” that shill products at the vendor booths, there’s no need to tell them you plan to jackoff to the pictures later. They know their role.

- If you happen to see women who look angry or are asleep in a corner of a room, those are bored girlfriends/wives who are greatly regretting their request to come along.

- Tickets to Comic Con are difficult to get. To find out the date and time of the sale, they make you do annoying things like follow them on Twitter and sign up for e-mail newsletters. Every year, the ticket prices go up. This year a four-day pass is $175. Next year it’s “a boat named after your dead wife”.

- If you haven’t booked a hotel yet, then you get to stay in Mexico! Yay! No, seriously. The Rapes Motel in Tijuana is the only one left with vacancies right now, and the name is plural for a reason.

- Cosplay tip! If you dress in a costume with a mask, everyone will assume you’re ugly. That said, if you want to get laid, hit on people wearing masks and just ask them to keep it on the whole time.

- If you’re going to dress up like Darth Vader, please wear pants. It’s more accurate. Also, things went poorly for me last year when I didn’t. If you are African American, feel free to disregard this tip.

- Much like an engagement ring, food at the convention hall is the rough equivalent of three months salary. Hot dogs are $14, and hot dogs with ketchup are $75. Cheeseburgers require a small on-site loan.

- Panels for popular movies and TV shows are a great chance for you to publicly tell your favorite actors and directors all the ways in which they have disappointed you over the years. Don’t be shy. I’m sure that little girl from “Game of Thrones” really had it coming.

- “Artists’ Alley” is a great way for you to ask legendary, universally respected comic book artists to draw your favorite characters with a penis in their mouth, or with penises instead of hands, or with hair made entirely of penises, or helping a space mutant fellate Barney Rubble. The artists will say no, but they’ll respect you deeply for asking.

- This year, one of the panels has Larry King interviewing the guy who does the voice of Transformer Optimus Prime. I plan to get in line 7-8 hours early.

- Another panel has Reginald VelJohnson, formerly Carl Winslow from TV’s “Family Matters’, shaking his buttocks on stage while a local grade school student makes farting sounds with a tuba. The grade school student is very unpopular, and depressing to look at. I plan to get in line for this panel 16-17 hours early.

- Simpsons creator Matt Groening came to Comic Con once. The first person in line asked him to sketch a detailed schematic of Maude Flanders’ vagina. Groening hasn’t appeared in public since.

- If you see Tekzilla host Veronica Belmont at the convention, please tell her I love her and that the restraining order hasn’t changed my feelings.

- If you’re skinny and want to buy t-shirts, please do so within the first 30 seconds of the conference. Most t-shirt vendors bring one small, one medium, four large, 20 2XL, and 150 3XL sizes.

- The convention hall is incredibly crowded. If you see someone pushing a stroller or wearing a gigantic backpack that juts out two feet behind them, you can slit their throat right in the middle of the convention hall and NO ONE will testify against you.


- Comic Con has lots of exclusive toys. Hasbro and Mattel stuff is fun, but for highbrow collectors who want toys that are a bit more artistic, “urban vinyl toys” are the way to go. Last year, some guy mass-produced a sculpt of a dog taking a shit. He sold them for $15 each. True story. I know because I bought one.

- Always bring cash to conventions like these. Most of the time, hookers won’t charge you tax if you pay them in cash.

- Remember that the most important thing is to have fun. Actually, the most important thing is to stay the hell out of my way and don’t cut in line in front of me or I’ll cut you with a razor blade. But the SECOND most important thing is to have fun.