The other day outside a convenience store, I ran into a neighbor I hadn’t seen in a while. I stopped to say hi and otherwise pretend I was a decently sociable human being. If you recall last week, there were some windy and chilly days. Well, it’s nor

Health officials are reporting that up to three people may have left Duluth’s Diarrhea Park last week without contracting any diseases. The park usually infects up to 3,000 people per week with cryptosporidiosis, a diarrheal illness that provides weeks of quality time on the toilet.

“It’s a water park. Please stop calling it Diarrhea Park,” said Tom Franklin, owner of Diarrhea Park. “It’s very unusual for people to get sick from water parks. We had a few cases of cryptosporidiosis last week, and we apologize for that, but the problem is fixed and there’s no reason to write sarcastic news articles pretending that we purposely give people the runs.”

Water parks and public swimming pools are well known for purposely giving people the runs. They specialize almost exclusively in filthy, pee-ridden water seasoned with toddler poop and dead skin from elderly people. Those who visit water parks usually do so because they enjoy forcefully swallowing other people’s pee as they dive into the water from a platform ripe with invisible foot fungi. Chlorine helps to give the diseases a tangy flavor, but if too much is used, the diseases are killed, leaving only clean water and chest hair from Finnish men in the pool.

This is not the first time Duluth’s Diarrhea Park has been caught using clean water. Millie Monroe, an epidemiologist for the Minnesota Department of Health who specializes in poops, said she’s found clean, healthy water in the pool at least three or four times over the past decade.
“The fact that this is happening again is an outrage,” said Monroe. “There’s supposed to be poop in there. Why would I pay $80 for a hotel room next to REGULAR WATER? I’m paying that price because I want to open my mouth underwater and taste everyone in the pool. All I tasted last week was chlorine. No jizz or soiled diapers, just chlorine water. It’s like eating a sandwich that only has mayonnaise on it.”

Longtime customers of the diarrhea resort are equally upset about the mishap.

“If I’m not going to get crypto, I don’t want to be here,” said Tom Hennessey, a father of four. “My entire house is filled with noisy children and my loud, ugly wife. The only alone time I get is on the toilet, and having the runs for two straight weeks is the only way I’m going to finish reading ‘The Hunger Games.’”

When informed that cryptosporidiosis can also cause nausea, dehydration, and a low-grade fever, Hennessey became even more wistful.

“Oh man, that sounds so great. It’d bring me back to my college days when I still had money for drugs. I hope they fix that place soon. Daddy needs a break.”

Spokespeople for the park claim many cases of cryptosporidiosis may have gone unreported, and some customers may be diseased right now without even knowing it. The majority of customers said they’re still planning to stay away until the water levels are brought down to standards. Franklin is planning to brown bag his lunch for the next few weeks to offset the loss of profits. He also canceled plans to purchase a cat, and may instead have to settle for buying a single cricket from Petco. He will name the cricket Smuckers.

“Please don’t quote me in this thing,” said Franklin, all six lines of Diarrhea Park’s phone ringing endlessly on his desk. “I’m very busy here, and you keep making up all this weird stuff about brown bag lunches and cats. Is that supposed to be funny? I don’t get it. I have two dogs. Why would I buy a goddamn cricket?

“And stop calling it Diarrhea Park! We’re a fun, family-friendly [diarrhea] destination that has [diarrhea] slides, a twisted [diarrhea] typhoon, and a [Diarrhea] Tumbler with a four-and-a-half story [diarrhea] swirl! Why do you keep adding brackets in front of the things I’m saying? You did. I can see it on your notepad.”

Monroe has requested that the fouling of the water be expedited.

“If you currently have diarrhea or have had diarrhea within the past two weeks, please come to Diarrhea Park,” said Monroe, looking like Sarah McLachlan in those animal cruelty commercials. “We need you. Diarrhea Park needs you. It needs your cryptosporidiosis. Get in your car and drive as fast as you can. We need your bare ass in our pool.”

“No! Don’t come here!” screamed Franklin. “Don’t send diarrhea people to our pool! Are you crazy? What the hell is wrong with you? This is not a community toilet! This is not a hot tub at Wisconsin Dells! If you’re sick, stay home! This is a safe, fun place for families! There’s no swirling allowed here! I will arrest anyone who tries to swirl in my pool!”

As Franklin yelled, Monroe could be seen at the top of the tallest waterslide, removing her pants and slowly crouching.