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Nutrition. Vitamins. Healthy fats. Unprocessed ingredieYAAAAWN. Here’s the deal: if they sell it at the grocery store, or Walmart, or the food aisle of the gas station, it’s food. That’s all you really need to know. All the harping about the dangers of processed foods and artificial ingredients has gotten completely out of hand. The way some people talk, pizza rolls are the spawn of Satan, when in reality they are no more harmful than those people’s precious heirloom tomatoes and steel-cut oats (and they taste about a zillion times better). Actually, all the whole grains and leafy green vegetables in the world probably can’t fuel our bodies as well as the fresh-from-the-lab ingredients ending in –ate, –ose, and –ide. Why can’t the natural food fascists appreciate the progress made by dedicated, innovative food scientists?

Take hydrolyzed corn protein. It obviously comes from corn, so it’s not Frankenfood. It provides protein, an essential nutrient. And since it seems to be an ingredient in approximately half of all food products, it’s clearly being under-utilized in home cooking. But now you can remedy that in your own kitchen with these delicious recipes I’ve developed:


Hydrolyzed Hotdish

2 ½ c. hydrolyzed soy protein
1 ¼ c. hydrolyzed corn protein
2 T. hydrolyzed corn gluten
2 T. hydrolyzed wheat gluten
½ t. hydrolyzed whoycorn proglutein

Preheat the oven to 375°. In a large bowl, mash together the hydrolyzed soy protein and hydrolyzed corn protein with 1 T. each of the hydrolyzed corn gluten and hydrolyzed wheat gluten. Place the mixture in a casserole dish and sprinkle with the remaining corn gluten, wheat gluten, and the hydrolyzed whoycorn proglutein. Bake for 1 hour, or until hotdish has de-hydrolyzed. Or re-hydrolyzed. Or un-hydrolyzed. (It really doesn’t matter.)

Multi-Mineral Smoothie

3 oz. acesulfame potassium
2 T. potassium sorbate
1 t. sodium erythorbate
1–2 t. sodium acid pyrophosphate
2 T. hydrolyzed corn protein
3-4 ice cubes
1–2 drops Red 40 dye (opt.)

Blend all ingredients in a blender or food processor. Drink out of an unwashed baby powder container to get an even larger dose of healthy minerals.

Cheesy Cornbread

Don’t even think about substituting unbleached flour, honey, or real cheese. I mean, why not just use your next paycheck to confirm that the shredder’s still working while you’re at it?

1 c. hydrolyzed corn protein
1 c. bleached flour
¼ c. propylene glycol alginate
½ c. high fructose corn syrup
Monoglycerides to taste
2 T. TBHQ (for freshness), divided
½ can Easy Cheese

Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl, combine the hydrolyzed corn protein, bleached flour, and 1 T. TBHQ (for freshness). Mix in the propylene glycol alginate and high fructose corn syrup (corn—it’s so versatile!), then add the monoglycerides and remaining tablespoon of TBHQ (for freshness). Bake for 35-40 minutes. When fully cooled, decorate with Easy Cheese. Before eating, thank your lucky stars for the invention of delicious, nutritious hydrolyzed corn protein (a.k.a. MSG).