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Residents of a small Wisconsin town are sleeping better these early spring nights. A sense of calm has descended over the occupants of Clintonville, WI, all due to the investigation of some strange noises. Over the past few weeks locals had been abuptly roused from a sound sleep because of weird unidentified “booms” that appeared to be coming from the ground beneath them.
    “I dunno.” said area local guy. “It was real weird. It would be nothin’ and then just like, just like..Boom.” After a long pause at which point reporters started to turn away with their microphones, area local guy starts to speak again. “It was just like a boom. An’ thats real strange ‘round here. If it was a bang, or a clank, or maybe a thud or whomp we’da been ok, but no man.” He pauses to scratch, “it was just like a boom an’ thats real unsettlin’.”
    Feeling the pressure of actual, literal, phone calls pouring in to local emergency responders(one night,seven in all,) city officials decided to take action. Gathering all free farmhands, backhoes, mini- excavators, and mules to be found, law enforcement, nosy residents, and those guys from the Animal Planet hit “Finding Bigfoot,” began to dig. After days and days of what became almost robotic routine: mule digs hole, backhoe pushes dirt from hole to excavator, excavator picks up dirt and throws dirt onto what area kids now refer to as  “roller coaster;” a discovery was made. “It was crazy!,” one area resident explained, “all of a sudden the mule comes-a-thrashin’ out of that hole just-a-howlin’!”
    An unusual discovery was actually made- in the ground below this tiny Wisconsin town stood a crew of many-dawning purple and gold jerseys- hats adorned with horns, standing in what appeared to be a long-ass tunnel. Details are sketchy of how the idea transpired but at least the strange “booms” are identified. It has been confirmed that members of the Minnesota Vikings team and Viking officials have been digging a tunnel from Minneapolis straight to Lambeau Field, and met some unfortunate bedrock about 40  miles outside of Green Bay.  “Haha yah.....” Zygi Wilf, Vikings owner, shakes his head at press time, “Go figure- we almost get to our hot spot with no problems- just digging and moving and then we hit some stubborn rock- what we call the “linebacker of Lambeau” and had to start blasting through it...” He looks off in the distance,takes a hard drag off his stogie, “We were this close to getting there...”
    The tunnel diggers bar no secrets from the press as details emerge about an elaborate plan to kidnap Aaron Rodgers- possibly during the beginning of pre-season. “We wanted the tunnel complete and ready to go by game time.” explains a digger. “It wasn’t about stealing the Packers playbook or any of that bullshit we keep hearing. We wanted Rodgers, it’s that simple, we was gonna take him out through that tunnel”
    Throughout the heated media conference repeated questions were thrown at not only Zygi Wilf, but Leslie Frazier as well, who stood arms crossed, glaring at everyone from the corner. At only one point did Frazier open his mouth to speak; as a flock of honeybees began to fly out of his mouth- confirming yet another mystery in our country- Leslie Frazier is in fact, the Candyman. “Here’s the thing” Zygi began, “We don’t want Aaron Rodgers as our QB. Hell, we don’t need that coke head. We just needed him to disappear, and not for his football playing skills either. We want him gone to ensure he never appears in another State Farm insurance commercial again. We watched Drew Brees and his NyQuil bullshit for two seasons, and now we gotta watch Rodgers sell auto insurance? Nah...- just Nuh-uh. Not happening.”
    An usual answer to a strange boom? Not so much, explain some random people. “I heard on Facebook that Allstate promised Vikings money for their new stadium if they got Rodgers outta the State Farm picture.” said kid on bike outside of a mall.  Another observer had a different idea, “No, dude listen- it’s like this- Sean Payton is PISSED to be cut out of football this season, he killed Zygi Wilf and stole his identity. He planned this conspiracy to get Rodgers dead just to make Packers look bad and Saints look good again, bounties or not.”
    Either way, in the eyes of one small American town, it’s all good any way you look at it. One more interview with area local guy confirmed the feeling of comfort that has once again settled onto Clintonville, WI. “It’s alright ya know? I mean I’m a cheesehead for sure- I love the pack but I just glad I dun gotta sleep with da’ boomin’ goin’ on no more – god almighty, thats for sure.”