News & Articles

- I will not get drunk or high while writing columns. I will get drunk and high BEFORE writing columns.

- I will only watch porn on an airplane when I'm not in the middle seat. Also, I will use headphones, as the flight attendants on Sun Country Airlines recently recommended.

- I will get a job. A real, full-time job that doesn't involve creatively twirling signs for open houses or Subway sandwich shops. A job where “I really like this hooker, and I'd like to buy her breakfast” is not a valid excuse for coming in an hour late. A job that will provide an actual W2 form during tax season instead of labeling me as an “independent contractor,” a title which allows the crooked City of Los Angeles to blackmail me into paying $300 each year for a “business license.” A job that provides health benefits I will rarely use and a 401k plan that, in the end, will pay for half of one month's rent 70 years from now when I'm forced to retire at the age of 102. A job where my co-workers are not allowed to wear bicycle shorts that show off the shape of their penis.

- I will no longer be afraid of bears, even though I suspect they're secretly learning to speak Japanese and drive mopeds in some grand scheme to humiliate and/or eat me.

- I will stop drinking tap water, because my skin is developing an odd glow to it. The lady at the water and power company said she heard it's a side effect from masturbating too often, but she said it kind of sarcastically and I think she either doesn't get paid enough to care or is trying to cover up a massive conspiracy to test X-Men-style powers on poor people.

- I will save the environment by taking the bus more often, even though everyone who rides the bus smells like dog shit.

- I will stop shouting “You're not Tina Fey, you're just ugly!” at women who wear cat-eye glasses. Sadly, the epidemic is so widespread that half the women wearing these glasses don't even know Tiny Fey exists.

- I will refer to future girlfriends as “the girlfriend” rather than “that lady who keeps sleeping with me.”

- In an effort to get laid more than once per year, I'll stop refusing to sleep with women who wear bras and panties that don't match.

- I will stop putting my lips on drinking fountains, and will count three bouts of hepatitis in one year as a lesson learned.

- I will stop making fun of men named “Elton,” and gifting them sequined outfits for Christmas.

- I will stop harassing farmers market stands that sell bananas, even though they deserve it because bananas don't grow here and they obviously bought them from the supermarket.

- I will dedicate more time to charity, as long as “Charity” is the name of a soon-to-be-released first-person shooter for the Playstation 3.

- I will stop going to the bathroom with the door open, even though it's my apartment and guests should adjust to MY lifestyle, not the other way around.

- I will kiss with my eyes open, just to freak women out.

- I will read an actual book all the way through, without complaining about the tediousness of such a task to people around me.

- I will stop trying to impress women by claiming to be Magic Johnson of the Los Angeles Lakers. It never worked very well anyway.

- I will stop telling children that pregnancy is caused by not going to the bathroom often enough.

- I will stop trying to marry Regina Spektor and start trying to marry that woman from Florence and the Machine. It's a bit of a downgrade, but it's important to stay current in Hollywood.

- I will only wear jeans to funerals if the deceased was an asshole.

- I will stop telling people I used to write scripts for the TV show “Maude.”

- I will live each day as if everyone were trying to steal my possessions and my semen were about to expire, just like Ernest Hemingway.

- I will stop telling lies about my publisher, Bob Boone.

- Bob Boone used to fuck penguins.