Forrest Johnson

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Content By This Contributor:

Fri. May. 3rd, 2013

Industrial foods, farming methods, and your brain

Forrest Johnson

Long ago I wrote about efforts by the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) to remove intelligence-draining food products produced by the industrial food complex from our tables. Exac

Fri. Apr. 26th, 2013

We are evolving toward the cows every day

Forrest Johnson

While authorities are still seeking the cause of last week’s fertilizer factory blast in Texas the larger question regarding inorganic fertilizer use and a non-sustainable and industrial modeled farming method goes un

Fri. Apr. 19th, 2013

Ring the bell for Planet Earth

Forrest Johnson

At National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) world headquarters at Camp Shack, far from the encroachment of roads and humanity, a fresh new day is born after another howlin

Fri. Apr. 12th, 2013

Head To Your Nearest Nufa Recruiting Camp Soon

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) held an emergency meeting at Camp Shack International Labor Temple early this week as the slave masters closed in on the hard-earned loopholes created across deer cam

Thu. Feb. 28th, 2013

Your health care crisis could be over

Forrest Johnson

A key component of the federal Affordable Care Act in Minnesota will be the creation of a state-run health care exchange. We at the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) have created a sensible, affordable, cost-effective way to manage

Fri. Feb. 22nd, 2013

Seems like an inferiority complex is at work

Forrest Johnson

I thought the President was a bit optimistic when he rhetorically explained the other night that the state of the union was “strong.” Yes, he said economic revival is an “unfinished task” and as

Sat. Feb. 16th, 2013

Revisit the wolf plan before the next hunt

Forrest Johnson

Well, I added up the numbers, and it appears as though in 2012 700-plus wolves were taken by hunting, trapping, and through the state/federal problem wolf removal program in Minnesota. Over 400 wolves were taken during the hunting and trapping seasons.

Mon. Feb. 11th, 2013

Bring back the free-range kids

Forrest Johnson

I recently attended a workshop for a program I work with called Safe Routes To Schools. During the workshop, a very animated and dedicated fellow by the name of Mark Fenton asked us to reflect back on our days of growing up and whether we spent time in trees and roaming the landscape, free of parental and adult interference.

Thu. Jan. 31st, 2013

The guy living under the bench in DC was right

Forrest Johnson

Oh, that crazy, mixed-up world of crude oil and fossil fuels. I was wondering just which crisis scared the oil traders and speculators this time, as gas prices jumped back up to $3.39 a gallon

Sun. Jan. 20th, 2013

My debt ceiling will be raised once again-Part two

Forrest Johnson

Talk of raising the nation’s debt ceiling, minus the hubbedy-do we saw the summer before last, stirred me into fiscal action. Dredging up an idea from that recent past seemed appropriate. I just negotiated a restorative and holistic compromise raising my personal debt ceiling.

Fri. Jan. 11th, 2013

The Constitutional right to ask the dumb question is guaranteed

Forrest Johnson

I’m not a constitutional lawyer and I don’t even pretend to know the document like some people, but I still have some simple and exactingly dumb questions of those who do seem to know a lot more than I do. As I thumb through my hand-size copy of the Constitution, courtesy of the American Civil Liberties

Fri. Dec. 28th, 2012

Held hostage by terrorists and the gun lobby

Forrest Johnson

I’m sorry to say, but this nation has fallen prey to the terrorists and the gun lobby. We may poke at the root causes of our fear and anxiety with a 10-foot pole, but we eventually drift away from the conversat

Thu. Dec. 13th, 2012

(No) Right To Work legislation bad for your teeth

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) held an emergency meeting at Camp Shack International Labor Temple early this week as the slave masters closed in on the hard-earned loopholes created across hunting and relaxation camps over the past cent

Fri. Dec. 7th, 2012

To hell with compromise—it’s time to hire Ralph Nader

Forrest Johnson

Oh, golly, we have deadlock once again in Washington. But perhaps not. Political theater, they say, the two sides jostling for position, keeping true to their constituencies, promises, and beliefs. The slow, measurable tracking toward compromise.

Fri. Nov. 30th, 2012

The end of deer season and the Fire of Renewal

Forrest Johnson

In a touching moment when there are no dry eyes left at Camp Shack, the Exalted Shack Master lowers the flag of deer season, pausing briefly at half-mast before retiring the tattered symbol of the yearly inherent pursuit of frivolity with guns to its sacred spot on the sacred shelf next to the corkscrews, swizzle sticks, and shot and champagne glasses.

Fri. Nov. 16th, 2012

After the vote, out of our realm and into cholesterol

Forrest Johnson

The Exalted Shack Master and a single subject recently paid a visit to faraway Camp Cholesterol, and boy, did we have fun. It is deer season, after all. The longest of elections was finally over. New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) members had retreated to their caves. It was time to g

Fri. Nov. 2nd, 2012

American white males, wake up: the NCNP isn’t your friend

Forrest Johnson

The world is changing, and in a desperate attempt to keep a finger in the dike, a seeming majority of American white males are missing historic opportunities to help steer the world to a better place. Nationalism and xenophobia, not to mention a myopic trust in myth

Fri. Oct. 26th, 2012

There’s a world of worry and fear out there (Part Two)

Forrest Johnson

The motto “Learning more can’t hurt,” coined by the good folks at the North Shore Neighbors, sure is appropriate in these days of myopia, ignorance, and foolishness. North Shore Neighbors is another of the fine organizations in o

Fri. Oct. 12th, 2012

Ring The Bell, It’s Time For Another Round

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA), aside from providing a handshake and a personal bartender, has a saying about taking things too seriously. “Relax. If booze doesn’t get you, climate change will.”

Fri. Oct. 5th, 2012

Trying to get “friendly” in the state constitution

Forrest Johnson

Once again, the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) has its work cut out for it. The members of the Minnesota affiliate of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP), formerly known as the Republicans, voted across the board in 2011 to approve a constitutional amendment that will allow Minnesota voters to decide in 2012 if marriage will thereafter be defined as between man and woman.

Fri. Sep. 28th, 2012

Batten down the hatches at your workplace soon

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) held an emergency meeting at Camp Shack International Labor Temple early this week as the slave masters closed in on the hard-earned workplace gains earned over the past century, rights that have allowed freedom and dignity and a small measure of the democratic process to be exerc

Fri. Aug. 31st, 2012

Faux Republicans—I mean, Libertarians —go have your own convention

Forrest Johnson

Boy, this is getting confusing. Now the Faux Republicans—I mean, the Libertarians—are butting into the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) Delusional Convention in Tampa. I saw recently that the Faux Republicans, in an effort to get noticed, have renamed their movement the Liberty Republicans.

Fri. Aug. 24th, 2012

Lessons from Bob Melvin, the Two-Faced Man

Forrest Johnson

Bob Melvin the Two-faced Man told me long ago that you can’t eat money but you can live on happiness. For a guy with two faces, I couldn’t have imagined a happier guy than Bob, two faces or otherwise. He’d wander around the freak show tent at the Royal American Show midway at the state fair, tapping people on

Thu. Aug. 16th, 2012

Give me liberty, give me hollow rhetoric, Part Two

Forrest Johnson

Denial was once again on parade as the vastly uninformed New Conservative Neanderthal Party and its many candidates gushed over tax cuts for the rich and spending cuts for the rest of society in order to stimulate the economocracy. True to the head-in-the-sand philosophy of the neo-patriotic and neo-Ch

Fri. Aug. 3rd, 2012

NCNP party platform is a cry for help, and NUFA is there

Forrest Johnson

This is a National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) alert. Members of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP), formerly known only as Republicans, have gone insane, and NUFA will do its part to rehabilitate and bring these lost souls back into the human fol

Fri. Jul. 27th, 2012

The economocracy and the delivery of education, Part Two

Forrest Johnson

In an idle moment I recalled hearing the speaker of the Minnesota House tell a radio host that our schools have to be more innovative and efficient, that they have to be reform minded in these tough economic times. Perhaps you heard that interview as well.

Fri. Jul. 13th, 2012

Combating ignorance while we fish for salmon

Forrest Johnson

As a goodwill ambassador for the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA), it is my job to listen to all viewpoints, no matter how screwy they may be.

Fri. Jul. 6th, 2012

Two Very Different Christians Are Running For Office In 2012

Forrest Johnson

As a practicing member of the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) and having been raised by happy and hard drinking pagan Lutherans who never once had a fight during any family gathering, it is with some trepidation that I would bring up the faiths or beliefs of others.

Thu. Jun. 28th, 2012

The Odd Irony Of The Economic Tides

Forrest Johnson

Here in Bristol Bay we are waiting on the fish. A cold winter and spring have left the landscape slowly warming as the subarctic summer sun arcs across the sky, right now hidden by rather thick and persistent cloud cover.

Fri. Jun. 22nd, 2012

If a drone comes too close, swat it with a shovel

Forrest Johnson

The drone was following me closely. Too closely. It’s not the first time. They’re getting to be like mosquitoes. Hovering about the town checking on the miscreants and then heading up to the border to see what’s going on.

Fri. Jun. 15th, 2012

What Came First, Drugs Or Human Nature?

Forrest Johnson

An international commission looking at the results of the decades long War on Drugs has recently concluded that it has been a costly and miserable failure.

Mon. Jun. 11th, 2012

If I were king, boy, things would be different

Forrest Johnson

If I were king and I allowed voting, which I would because I would be a friendly king, I would first require all citizens to pass a simple test. A very simple test made up of very simple questions. Pick a single question and find the answer. You can use a calculator if you must. You can use an encyclopedia. It is an open book test.

Thu. May. 24th, 2012

At least you can eat a hippo

Forrest Johnson

I just can’t wait until the hippos and rhinos of the North Woods recover in sufficient numbers to allow a hunt. I’ve never liked them. They look down their noses at the deer and stomp all over our freshly cut lawns and just don’t seem to care about our culture at all.

Fri. May. 18th, 2012

Industrial foods and farming methods and your brain

Forrest Johnson

Several weeks ago I wrote about efforts by the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) to remove intelligence-draining food products produced by the industrial food complex from our tables. Exacting NUFA studies have proven that a large segment of the population is consuming bio-engineered and amply processed foods made to keep cows and humans passive and obese while lowering intelligence at the same time.

Fri. May. 11th, 2012

Band-aids for the problems, not solutions

Forrest Johnson

The patented portable carbon dioxide/methane/greenhouse gas vacuum is a proven technology and under construction as we speak. Climate change deniers and skeptics will cringe in the shadow of the vacuum as it rolls through the nation, not quite under its own power but almost.

Fri. May. 4th, 2012

Bad food is behind the anxieties of the conservatives

Forrest Johnson

The Parade to Nowhere continues. Arguments that Social Security is failing continue to build across the large segment of the population that is consuming the bio-engineered and amply processed food made to keep cows and humans passive and well-fed while lowering intelligence at the same time.

Thu. Apr. 19th, 2012

A whole bunch of people use a different part of the brain than I do

Forrest Johnson

As I moseyed around the Tea Party rally at the Amsoil Arena on Sunday, I understood the truth of those words only too well. And from what I heard throughout the afternoon, it seems awfully easy to fool a majority. I was polite. I asked only innocuous questions, nothing personal. But I came to realize that most of the

Thu. Apr. 12th, 2012

Take populism back from the flim flam man

Forrest Johnson

I’m not quite sure how it happened that the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP), formerly the Republicans, has managed to pull the old switcheroo on the populist movement. The Tea Party, “The Rebellion to Stay the Same,” is also in on the heist, and I suppose to a lesser degree so are the religious factions who somehow have lost sight of the words from the original populist, one Jesus of Nazareth, t

Thu. Apr. 5th, 2012

National Union of Friendly Americans under assault—again

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) held an emergency meeting at Camp Shack International Labor Temple early this week as the slave masters closed in on the hard-earned workplace gains earned over the past century, rights that have allowed freedom and dignity and a small measure of the democratic process to be exercised

Thu. Mar. 22nd, 2012

The world has gone crazy

Forrest Johnson

The yellow bird with black wings flies past our patio here on the Mexican west coast. The now dry jungle crowds to the edge of the ocean and a few miles back in the hills the squatters eke out a living. Their meager fields host skinny goats and cows, a few stalks of maize and slight banana trees. In town, the familiar market has finally started to feel the loss of regular customers, a

Fri. Mar. 16th, 2012

There’s a world of worry and fear out there

Forrest Johnson

The motto “Learning more can’t hurt,” coined by the good folks at the North Shore Neighbors, sure is appropriate in these days of myopia, ignorance, and foolishness.

Thu. Mar. 8th, 2012

All we can do is try to be nice to each other

Forrest Johnson

“Just try to be nice to people,” my grandmother always said. “You can’t change who they are or why they are. All you can do is try to be nice to people.” My grandmother was a spiritual woman who believed in the ways of Jesus and knew how to get rid of warts by rubbing them with a piece of bacon under a full moon and then having a third party hide the bacon under a rock. It seemed to work. She could also find water with a forked willow stick, sang in

Thu. Mar. 1st, 2012

National Union of Friendly Americans under assault—again

Forrest Johnson

The National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) held an emergency meeting at Camp Shack International Labor Temple early this week as the slave masters closed in on the hard-earned workplace gains earned over the past century, rights that have...

Fri. Feb. 17th, 2012

The free market has me suspicious about the food market

Forrest Johnson

Oh, to be a capitalist, a free market capitalist, in the industrial grade food business. It can’t get any better as long as people still mate and produce more little consumers as blind as their parents when it comes to eating habits. Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint when it comes to the delights of food and the revving up of serotonin levels at the table of plenty. There are no kettle chips I can resist. The best I can do to exercise my will is not enter that aisle of bli

Thu. Feb. 2nd, 2012

Kill the unions and the working class and bow to the economocracy

Forrest Johnson

Once again I’m trying to wrap my mind around an irony of sorts. The irony is much larger than my feeble leftist mind. Now the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) is the compassionate party, the one to look out for the interests of ...