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Editor's note: With the 2020 elections in the not-so-distant future we need the best, friendliest candidates to line up and provide unmitigated friendliness to the voters and the nation. Don't vote for unfriendly people! The world needs friendly. The following updated column is a warning about a person with an acute lack of friendly.
I simply want to remind you that in the long and glorious history of the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) no one has ever had his or her personal bartender revoked.
Until Donald Trump started blabbing, that is.
I have to admit that I was the one who inadvertently welcomed him into the clan when we visited New York City in spring of 2016. He had already spouted plenty of his angry rhetoric in the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) campaign and early months of the presidency and I was on a mission to make sure that in addition to visiting the Empire State Building and taking in a Yankee game I was going to go hide in the bushes and take a pee on the Trump Tower. I was reminded by my better half that the place was likely crawling with security and cameras and that a trip to jail was fairly certain. There apparently aren’t any bushes to be as covert as I’d hoped so it would be an open pee, right out there in the full view, the kind you take out at the hunting shack.
I thought I might get a few other folks involved to create a bit of a diversion, you know, a batch of pissers going at it to confuse the authorities. My dearie then reminded me that I was a NUFA member in good standing and that pissing on a building wasn’t really living up to the mission of the organization: to be friendly at all costs. Anger has no place in NUFA followers and friends.
Even when dealing with a knucklehead like Trump, I asked?
Even when dealing with a knucklehead like Trump, she said.
I shifted my mood pretty quickly and performed a mass initiation for new NUFA members, good for at least two blocks in every direction from where I stood.
Little did I know that Trump was within the radius of the mass initiation and the bylaws say in very specific terms that he was to be granted a personal bartender, just like all other NUFA members, knucklehead or not.
Trump, all full of bluster, demanded the bartender be sent immediately, even though he is a teetotaler, free of drink.
NUFA was between a rock and a hard place.
The personal bartender sent to New York soon requested a transfer, pleaded for a transfer. He cited the potential for temporary insanity and possible violence if “Trumpty Dumpty” wouldn’t quit saying stupid things while he was pouring drinks for various guests.
“It never ends with the guy,” the personal bartender said. “I tried to work him with friendship, just be nice with the guy, but he doesn’t know how. The guy has no friends. He is immune to friendly. You’ve got to get me out of here before I go crazy and hit him with a fake gold Trump bookend or one of those tasteless bottles of wine with his name on it. For crying out loud, I’ll get kicked out of NUFA for losing my cool and he’ll just get another bartender sent in to repeat the ordeal.”
I personally crafted the letter sent to Number 1 Trump Tower, the Penthouse, New York City, New York. I cited the many malodorous instances of recent and longstanding unfriendly behavior, well documented, and that he was to be suspended from NUFA until he could show that he belonged with the rest of the human family, that he was ready to be friendly for once.
When alerted to the suspension, Trump, of course, called our fair organization “rigged” and the suspension a personal attack on his character. NUFA was then banned from the campaign and the White House, much like various news organizations and other ne’er do wells have been banned.
It was then determined by NUFA sociologists that people like Trump are simply not capable of friendship, that we just might as well go ahead and ban him from NUFA forever and be on the watch for those people who share such traits. I remembered my grandmother once telling me that friendship is one of the pure traits that defines our species. But she also warned me that there are those bad seeds that will never know the meaning of the word friendship and so don’t lose too much sleep over it. In any crowd, she said, there would be a few malcontents that will live their lives in a different place than the rest of us. It’s just the way the world works, she said.
Sounds like Trump to me.
Take it from a personal bartender and my grandmother, the guy can’t be friendly, ever.