Real fake crisis at the southern border

Forrest Johnson

Editor’s note: After I write this piece Tuesday afternoon it will immediately be sent to the Oval Office for President Rumpt to read aloud to the nation. Please note that I have never been a speech writer but there’s always a first for everything.

Dear United States people of this nation, I, Donald J. Rumpt, your very talented and pretty much a genius president, the best ever, am declaring a very serious crisis going on right now at the very dangerous southern border with Mexico.
Emergency, emergency, everyone to get from streets!
Since I am very brave I will be visiting the border in Texas soon to get up close and really see the dangerous hombres and their drug dealer kids clawing at the very unprotected border that has been allowed and even promoted by Obama and Crooked Hillary. Those democrats want to just open it up, make it an open border and let everybody and his bad hombre uncle in! Those bad democrats let them in and now I have to deal with the mess they left me. I mean, they’re streaming in and threatening our way of life, committing horrible crimes and taking our good paying jobs in the lettuce fields. We can’t have that.

I will stop that with my very beautiful and impenetrable wall that will keep our way of life in and their way of life out.
Emergerncy, emergency, everyone to get from streets!
As you know, I was forced by the very dangerous migrant caravan that attacked our border two months ago to summon the troops of this great nation to protect us all from this very bad menace of killers, rapists and drug dealers. When I visit this very dangerous place this week I will witness firsthand these bad hombres scaling the fences to throw guns and drugs and prostitutes across our border to spread like germs to infect our great country.

I know nothing about any payments to prostitutes and there is no collusion! Witch hunt! 
Democrats and communists want to let all these very bad troublemakers into our country and now I have to deal with it, me, Donald J. Rumpt, the most talented and genius president this country has ever had. 
Emergency, emergency, everyone to get from streets!
Yes, there is a partial government shutdown that you have heard about from the Fake News! Now they want to blame it on me because I want to protect all of you with my beautiful and very impenetrable wall. I didn’t say that I would take the blame a few weeks ago, to be proud to take the blame. Fake News!

The democrats want to hold all of you wonderful United States people of this nation hostage because they don’t want me to win and have my wall that will lock those bad people out. I heard someone say the other day that a wall is a foolish idea, that you build a fifty foot wall and the bad hombres will show up with a fifty-one foot ladder. Hah! I’ll fool them! My wall will be 100 feet tall—200 hundred feet tall—maybe even a thousand feet tall! You ever see a bunch of bad hombres try to carry a thousand foot ladder through the desert and get it set up? Hah! My wall will make the Big Long Wall of China, or whatever they call it, look like a kindergarten project. And you know what, that’ll get those sneaky Chinese back to the negotiating table where your very smart president, me, Tarriff Man, will get the best deal ever for our businesses and all you very wonderful consumers that make up this great nation of ours.

Emergency, emergency, everyone to get from streets!
So to all of you dear United States people of this nation, I intend to keep my campaign promise to build a wall like no other in this world and do it in style. There might even be some very beautiful artistic art on our side of the wall to make it look like the inside of the Trump Tower or Mar-a-Lago. Those are very beautiful properties that I myself built and watch over since they represent such very successful promise to all of you, the wonderful little United States people of this nation. I know you’d all like to be rich and a very smart person like me but you can’t so that’s why I’m here to represent you.

So I’m telling you now, and you can believe me, that we have a very dangerous crisis on our border with Mexico and a few tens of billions are needed to complete my project that I will personally oversee. And Mexico ultimately will pay for the wall since we screwed them good when we replaced that very poor NAFTA with our shiny new great United States-Mexico-Canada Trade Agreement. And you know what? I’m so smart that even the Canadians are going to help pay for the wall since we screwed them good in that trade deal too!

It’s all business baby and making a deal is what I’m all about!
So thank you the very little United States people of this nation and get out there and come to my next rally and you can chant with me, “We have a crisis, we have a crisis! Lock up the very bad democrats, lock them up!”