Bugs, Carbon Dioxide and climate change

Forrest Johnson

Do the bugs bug you? Are you pestered by pests?
Don’t be.
It’s not bugs but carbon dioxide that’s the problem.
Yes, that simple gas — CO2--could be the root of all our issues with bugs.
There are reasons for bugs and they are many. No matter that black flies climb in your ears and hair to bite and leave a bloody welt. They are slightly beneficial little creatures, apparently one of the bugs that pollinate blueberries. So the next time the swirling little devils have you nearly insane, please remember that without them blueberries would struggle to flower and produce fruit.

We at Camp Shack are currently developing an anti-carbon dioxide pill to ward off the little pests, as scientists have proven that they are attracted to the gas. In these days of global warming, the invention could be a great benefit to mankind and the earth, and Camp Shack researchers are now soliciting investors to help us develop this new product that will not only keep black flies from bugging you but will help arrest the rapid rise in carbon dioxide emissions from our highly industrialized and ever consuming society.

You can send donations of any amount for our project, though larger sums are preferable so we don’t have to stop the very valuable research that could save the planet by having to go door-to-door looking for funds.
I am a very reputable person who doesn’t like black flies any more than you do. 
The way I figure it, before you go into the woods you simply take the anti-carbon dioxide pill and you will be as good as invisible to black flies.
In attacking the very problematic global warming issue, simply drop an anti-carbon dioxide pill down the smokestack at your local coal-fired power plant. It’s that simple. To stop the emissions from all the cars and trucks of the world, you would just drop the strictly patented pill into your gas tank and global warming be gone.

Forget the trading of carbon credits. Forget having to find some way-out-there new energy source that costs a lot to produce and will only tear our splendid and glorious free market economy to shreds, leaving millions without jobs and homeless and sending CEOs and Wall Street into a panic.
Remember, mosquitoes are attracted to carbon dioxide as well.
There will no longer be the need to install those noxious mosquito coils or smudge pots in your home, sending out those choking fumes as you try to provide a safe, enjoyable bug-free environment for your family.
No more worries about malaria, West Nile virus, zika, dengue fever (the bone cruncher disease). No more skin-eating DEET or other malicious anti-bug chemicals that could make frogs grow an extra appendage.
Sorry, climate deniers will still have to use DEET to keep the bugs away until they see the light. Those are the rules.
Carbon dioxide is a most evil of gases, as you can easily see. Control that single ironic compound and you’ll eliminate more problems than you can shake a stick at. 
I am one person particularly attractive to no-see-ums (Family Ceratopogondae), also known as sand flies in foreign countries where they speak differently from the way we do. 
Those tiny little gnat-like bugs can fit through a screen door and find me, bite me and turn my skin into a map of low rolling hills and red buttes. They don’t fly more than 350 feet from where they were born and their miniature life-cycle is but a day or two long. To reiterate, they are attracted to carbon dioxide, that menacing gas everything on this planet are quickly trying to reduce at our own peril. Since carbon dioxide is needed by all living plants that give off oxygen, a gas that is of great benefit to people and pets, this is a very difficult problem to solve as you can see.

It is a conundrum we at Camp Shack intend to solve.
In order for me and my highly-trained scientific researchers and distillers to accomplish the task to save us from bugs and also save the planet, we will need significant funding. We can’t stress that enough. This is a big job.
The next time you reach for that bottle of insect repellent don’t forget the dedicated people subjecting themselves to bugs in this timeless battle. Please send your (significant) donations to:
Tserrof Nosnhoj
Chief Pest Researcher
Camp Shack Carbon Dioxide and Bug Elimination Project
Research Station No. 647838939378-Complex B
Waldo Laboratories
Two Harbors, MN 55616