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Once again the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) has been called upon to assist reticent citizens in coming to terms with climate change. While we are hopeless optimists, substantial progress on the issue will face unrelenting opposition from members of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP), folks who just can’t wrap their minds around the fact that we live in a closed loop of breathable air.
NUFA social scientists and bartenders have taken it upon themselves to try and educate the populace that pollution continues to fill up our only breathing space, that tiny, miniscule, eggshell thin atmospheric wrap of gases good and bad that keep this planet from becoming a lifeless piece of planetary rock with a molten core.
It is filling faster than we ever imagined and there’s no end in sight as economies the world over have ramped up their economocracies and econocommies as fast as they can dam rivers and drill oil and dig coal from mountaintops that have been eviscerated.
It certainly didn’t take long to convince the millions of NUFA members worldwide that we are living in a very tenuous space where breathable gases, both good and bad, exist. Obviously folks who ignore climate change must believe that gases both good and bad simply float upward from the planet and dissipate into the endless void of space.
If it were only so simple.
Imagine the wrap of breathable space around us. The bulk of that breathable space exists from ground level to a mere four to five miles above our heads, that’s it. This great big blue planet and that’s all the breathable space we get.
Filling that breathable space with all sorts of man-made pollution for the past couple of centuries hasn‘t improved our quality of life. The planet can’t digest it all as fast as we can pollute it. According to climate scientist Richard Alley we are burning fossil fuels a million times faster than the time it took to create them.
Here’s the one-time offer.
You change your mind and lose the goofy notion that this is all a grand scientific hoax and you drink free at NUFA establishments across the globe. That’s where the bartenders come in. You give up on that silly notion that the planet’s environment is hunky dory, peachy keen and you drink free. Forever. Our bartenders mean business as the planet continues to warm minute by minute.
NUFA representatives will make the case that developed nations have done plenty of harm over the past couple of centuries burning fossil fuels like there was no tomorrow and creating a life of convenience unparalleled in human history. Healthy doses of Scandinavian guilt will be meted out in portions large enough to change a few minds about who the culprits have been over time.
Time worn facts about excessive consumption will be featured as the planet continues to warm minute by minute. Yes, we’ll need to drag out the numbing notion that it would take a couple of extra nearby planets like earth to provide enough resources for a planet full of people to live like we do in the USA . Since we consume in the neighborhood of 20-25 percent of the world’s resources to be able to host the Super Bowl and build magnificent cities in the desert we kind of forgot about the other 190 countries around the globe that are trying to own as many cars and TVs as we do.
We at NUFA hope that American cultural and political will can confront the challenge of climate change and accept its role in the problem.
We also don’t believe that will happen without a revolution of sorts. Friendly NUFA subversives are working on a two-pronged plan, one part bandaid, one part real change. A plan that doesn’t feel like a revolution at all.
Believe me, we’re not alone in the exorbitant consumption game. Western Civilization as we know it has now been able to convince much of the rest of the world that they, too, wish to live in opulence beyond what our planet can provide. Fast foods and name brands circle the globe. Who wouldn’t want a talking car and a high definition television nearly as wide as the screen in a movie theater. Give me two!
We’re beyond the tipping point of reining in personal consumption caused by mindless economic growth. Minds won’t be changed in the United States , China or Guatemala in time to save the planet. People want more and America has set a shining example of a standard for everyone.
China has now surpassed America as the world’s biggest greenhouse gas emitter. I guess that means when the planet goes down the tubes we won’t be the only Blue Meanie to blame for the disaster.
NUFA won’t sit idly by as we waste time debating the issue.
Working with the leading vacuum cleaner researchers, NUFA engineers are developing the first industrial scale carbon dioxide and greenhouse gas vacuum that has the potential to skirt the political and economic stalemate and solve the problem. Once completed the vast soon-to-be-patented portable unit should be able to recycle “just the right amount” of CO2 and methane out of the atmosphere in less time that it takes to run your car through the car wash. It’s a bandaid, yes, but we humans thrive on solving our problems with bandaids so we don’t really have to change our ways. It could employ millions!
That’s where the second part of the plan comes in, the part that can actually solve the pollution problem that is the root cause of climate change.
Calculations are also being worked out that would allow the vast vacuum to be converted in the field so it could also vacuum the vast amount of poor thinking that now seems to infest most modern cultures along with their political structures and feebleminded economies. Poor thinking is the root of all our trouble. We can put a man on the moon but we really stub our toe on poor thinking. We’ve got to put an end to poor thinking.
According to a lead engineer assigned to the project, “That could be the toughest nut to crack.”