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If someone you know participated in the recent black and white photo challenge on social media, maybe hold off on touching their penis for a while.
Startling reports are now confirming that the popular social media challenge - in which participants shared black and white photos with friends and strangers alike - has resulted in a massive spike in syphilis infections. Nearly 103 percent of participants tested positive.
It seems the sexually transmitted disease was spread through the digital photos themselves, with the syphilis using social networks to hack into a user’s computer, overtake their entire house and infect them with syphilis through the water flowing out of their shower.
“I just wanted to have some harmless fun with friends and now I’m at the pharmacy filling the same prescription as the town whore,” said Sandy Weiners, age 82. “I’ve got so much syphilis, you guys. I was super cool before and now I’m so gross. Super gross. I’m never taking a photo of anything ever again!”
Weiners is one of millions of affected people who were unaware that sharing a photo online - especially a black and white one - is the equivalent of inserting your penis thrice into the ear of every person who visits the annual Minnesota State Fair. Fortunately, doctors say most of the people who participate in social media challenges aren’t very attractive or charismatic, so the spread of the disease has been minimal.
“Social media fads are for lonely serial killers and socially retarded virgins, so it’s not like they’ll spread it to anyone else,” said Chauncey Dingles, creator of the photo challenge. “As for the STD, sorry but that just comes with the territory when you hang around smelly art people. Those pervy artist types will literally hump a beanbag chair if you let it warm in the sun for too long.”
Surprisingly, the goal of the photo challenge wasn’t to give people syphilis. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is certainly known for testing new features on random users, but internet rumors of him being patient zero for the Syphilbookgate incident were fabricated. Zuckerberg released a statement earlier this week to defuse the rumor, stating that he wasn’t even on the social network at the time, as he took a week off to spend quality time with his giant piles of money.
Madeline Bukkakenen, age 97, is perhaps the saddest story. She contracted syphilis the first and only time she ever went online.
“It only takes one time to get syphilis,” said Bukkakenen, popping some penicillin. “My skanky daughter-in-law is inside those interwebs all the time. It’s the only place she posts photos of my sweet baby grandson, so I took the bait. It didn’t take long for me to fall in with a bad crowd. They seemed to be having such fun sharing photos, so I shared one too. Sigh. I don’t really mind the syphilis. At my age, the warmth from the burning sensation is quite nice.”
The 97-year-old refuses to hire a lawyer, despite her family’s insistence. She said she plans to get back at the owners of Facebook by posting nude photos of herself on their site.
“I don’t think we’ll have any more trouble once those boys get an eyeful of this hot mess,” said Bukkakenen.
As the late afternoon sun crept through Don Tinklebream’s living room curtains, he removed his eyeglasses and placed them on the coffee table. After snapping a boring, cliched black and white photo, the excitement drained out of his face. He realized his syphilis leaves him unable to share it. A single tear trickled down his cheek.
“I treated my genitals like a Mario party, and now they’re a prison,” said Tinklebream, age 86. “I wish I weren’t such a horrible old slut.”
If there’s a lesson in this tragedy, it’s that one’s genitals are not a playground. They’re mushy and weird and should be treated as such. Also, making a photo black and white doesn’t make it interesting, especially if the photo is of your genitals. All of humanity simultaneously posting such photos would only be a work of art by accident. But perhaps the most important lesson is to focus on the positives.
“I got syphilis from Instagram but going online also allowed me to find a website where homeless people fight each other for money, so overall I’m very happy,” said Tinklebream, smiling as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “The internet and I are cool.”