How to make going back to school the best for your hideously inconsiderate child

Paul Ryan

Editor’s Note: An unreasonably confident teenager gave the author of this article the finger while cutting him off and stealing his spot at a gas station. Stealing it. This column, apparently, is the author’s sad and flaccid attempt to gain revenge.    

Many parents buy “back to school” clothes for their toddler or grade school children, but did you know you can also buy clothing for your college-age children? It’s true! Not a lot of people know this, but as a parent, you can do any horrifically embarrassing thing you want to your kids as long as it's within the bounds of United States law. You say your child is precious to you. It’s time you proved it.  

If you don't micromanage every aspect of your grown child’s wardrobe, they will attend their first job interview wearing their least smelly concert t-shirt. Unless you step in at this crucial time in their life, the only “job” they’ll be working is legally questionable ones in the men’s room of highway rest stops. That is not the usage Ed Sheeran intended when he released that shirt. Fortunately, a few minor yet forceful changes will put your awful, gas station pump stealing bastard child on the right path.  

For instance, who wears jeans anymore? Nobody, that's who! Tonight when your hideously disrespectful child is asleep, throw out all their jeans and replace them with a closetful of tan-colored slacks. Tan slacks are the fashion world’s most versatile item - they can stroll around campus, go dancing downtown or work a day job at Target and never have to change clothes at any point.  

Steve Jobs used to wear the same outfit all the time. It was because he was very smart and didn’t want to waste his genius on little decisions like what to wear each day or which intern should shave his pudendas in his $2.9 million shower. Your shitty, gas thieving brat of a child is the same way. There’s too much genius there to waste on stylish outfits and social situations.  

Then there’s those t-shirts. Really, what are t-shirts? Just little corporate advertisements that people pay money to wear. Shouldn’t Nike be paying your dirty crook of a child to spread the word about their brand? They’re your kids and if anyone should get to advertise products on them whilst simultaneously charging them for the privilege, it’s you. Most indoor shopping malls have kiosks where you can make your own t-shirts. Maybe you should have some made with a very large photo of you on them. Maybe it could have something endearing on it, like the phrase “Mommy loves you” in the kiosk’s largest possible font. Print 10 to 12 shirts in different colors and sneak them into your arrogant, repulsive child’s suitcase, burning their current t-shirts so yours are the only ones they own.  

For fancier events, get your garbage child some nice golf shirts paired with a bolero tie (or “Texas tie”). This combination - great for both men and women - is all the rage in the high-end fashion world right now. Partner this dashing combo with a chain wallet and not only will your ingrown butthair of a child be viewed as a budding professional, you’ll notice the quality of the skeezy dates they bring home will also improve.  

Remember to take full ownership of these plans. All these suggestions are original ideas by you. Inception. We just asked a few questions and pointed you in the right direction. You took a plain old idea that everyone in the world had and executed it like no one else. Inception. Every poopfaced knuckledork in town has ideas. It’s the execution that matters. Inception. You executed it perfectly. You are the best parent who ever lived. Inception.  

Not to incept ideas into your head or anything, but think of how much money you could save if you sold the car of your 17-or-maybe-18-year-old kid who has reddish hair and ugly metal braces that make him say phrases like “I was here first, eat a dick” or “I’m already filling up my gas tank. You lost. Get over it” with a slight lisp. Sell their car and put the money toward tuition. Thirty or forty years down the road when they pay off their student loans two weeks quicker, they’ll thank you for it.  

Also, buses are everywhere and they’re NOT filled with dangerous homeless people, unstable drug addicts and guys who rub themselves through their sweatpants while staring directly into your eyes. You could totally sell your kid’s car. Your shitty, awful kid’s car. This will force them to work harder to make friends, which is always a good thing.  

What’s really important is making sure your adult child never returns to the gas station at 6th & Catalina. I go there all the time and it is mine. Have you even bought a sandwich there yet, brah? I did. Five dollars for some soggy sando I could have made at home myself. Five dollars! I have EARNED gas station tiebreaker indemnity through weeks of loyalty.  

Keep your goddamn son away from my gas station.