Breaking News: White people agree to stop being racist

Paul Ryan

In light of recent atrocities in Charlottesville, white people everywhere held a meeting Tuesday where they voted to stop being horrible, horrible bigots. This landmark civil rights achievement, which passed with 53 percent support, is the first time white people have collectively agreed to not be dicks about something.

Perhaps most impressive is that white people also agreed to not sit passively by while other members of their race do horrible things. Each Nazi march, murder of a minority by police or unwarranted promotion of Tim Tebow through baseball’s minor leagues now requires a minimum of one angry social media post per white person, with white privilege taken away for each violation. 

“It’s not hard, just type ‘Fuck Nazis’ into Facebook and hit enter,” said Ben Affleck, head spokesperson for all white people since 1997. “Otherwise, good luck staying out of prison. Without white privilege, there are only like five things you can do in public without being arrested, and none of them include taking hitting a $50 vape pen. Seriously, this is an easy deal. You don’t have to kill Hitler yourself, you just have to stop talking about how the permits for his genocide march are technically valid.”

Although white people have agreed to not be racist, other dickery is permitted. A subtle clause in the legislation still allows white people to ask for a manager when baristas mess up their latte foam art, when cashiers at Target won’t accept their expired coupons or when employees at any business are perceived to be “getting sassy” with them. These exemptions were made because they’re going to happen anyway, no matter how far white people progress.

This historic vote, which has permanently ended racism forever and ever, might be the most important moment in history. While many would cite Martin Luther King Jr’s “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” speech or Malcolm X’s Unity Rally as more significant than white people agreeing to be slightly less shitty than usual, but a lot of effort went into this and if there’s one thing white people can’t stand, it’s not being praised for every perceived accomplishment.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to get elderly farmers from Iowa to acknowledge racism? Most of them have only seen people of color on TV, and usually in roles where they’re drug dealers or friends with a Kardashian,” said Affleck, sporting a goatee as a nod to Wisconsin members, who were some of the toughest to bring to the table. “Now that we’re all not racist, whether we agree to be or not, I recommend that we maybe take a breather for a few weeks and catch up on some episodes of Modern Family. I mean, we’ve earned it. Right?”

The vote wasn’t the only big moment this week. President Donald Trump - America’s 35th racist president - has been removed from office by a multicultural mob and will soon be replaced with a neutral leader who does not represent any specific race or background. The leading candidate is rumored to be Amazon.com Inc, followed closely by Apple’s Siri, the algorithm that determines Netflix’s movie recommendations, and a dog owned by Google named Bark Fuckerberg.

A nation ruled by corporate overlords was once considered too cold and capitalist to win over the hearts of Americans, but the Trump presidency has set the bar so low that people now consider pure corporate evil to be far superior to actual human beings. Other things voters of all races found to be better than President Trump include a deer tick that has burrowed into the folds of their groin, cancer that specifically targets children, and a Lisa Frank backpack filled to the seams with dog shit that has been baking in a hot Ford Fiesta for seven hours.

Some citizens are considering starting time itself over, with 2018 becoming year “1 PT” or the first year of Post Trump. Many believe the Gregorian Calendar, which uses the birth of Christ as its base, has been in need of an update for quite some time, so it’s only fitting that the next evolution be based on the departure of a president who may literally be Satan.

Regardless of the outcome, the clouds have now parted and food tastes better and the dog didn’t tear up the sofa while you were at work and sunshine bursts from the populace’s buttocks like a rainbow over a pot of gold, all because white people aren’t racist anymore. We can’t be! At least not intentionally. It’s figuratively impossible now. I mean, nobody’s perfect. We’ll certainly do our best. Maybe just once in a while, when no one’s looking. Not on weekends, though. Trust us, we’re good for it. We have numerous references. 

As is true with all white things, every news network on the planet covered the vote 24 hours per day for three days straight as white citizens poured into the streets to cheer the future that they created simply by passively agreeing to something they barely understand.
“I solved racism, and I did it on my computer while watching TV!” said Mike Davis, fulfilling a lifelong suburban white fantasy. “It’s always been my dream to make a difference while putting in zero effort whatsoever, and though I’ve done that nearly all my life, I can now say I’ve done it to fix America. Life is so easy! What a great country!”