Eleven teens acting like wusses after eating drug-laced gummy bears

Paul Ryan

Police in Southnorthern Duluth say 11 teenagers were acting like “total narcs” after eating gummy bears laced with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana that makes life worth living. After consuming the product, the dumb amateurs called the police, apparently believing law enforcement could magically make them not high. 

“Some idiots apparently ate some edibles,” said Sergeant Nate Copson of the Duluth Police Department. “Then they called us. The police! What a bunch of dipshits! I mean, I get it. If you eat too many edibles, you’re wrecked for days. You’ll just lie around the house all hungover and nauseous. But what the hell are we gonna do? Just take a nap, stupid. Don’t call the cops like some narc. That’s so lame! Calling us is super lame, bro. You’re more likely to die from a fake gluten allergy.”

Sergeant Copson confiscated all the gummy bears, promising to investigate the potency of the bears personally. He also confiscated five boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a family size bag of cheesy popcorn and a Slip n’ Slide waterslide playset from the backyard.

“We have to test out a lot of things,” said Sergeant Copson, now wearing swim trunks. “All of the things will be tested thoroughly. I’m the police and I’m very serious.”

 This is not the first time teenagers have gotten super high and allowed The Man to dangle their dingles. Seven students from Cloquet last year had to be hospitalized after eating a pot brownie and then driving a school bus filled with plutonium into an orphanage. All of those students became totally lame narcs as well.

“I feel so bad for these college kids,” said Lieutenant Marc Popolice, DPD. “They have no access to real weed, so they have to eat these barfy edibles that take like two hours to kick in and the high is all sluggish and makes you blackout for like 30 minutes right in the middle of Wonder Woman and you totally miss that iconic scene where she bashes a Nazi out a window. So you pay $12 to discreetly see it again by yourself on like a Sunday morning, and you never wear hats but you buy this weird fedora you found at TJ Maxx, and that’s your ‘movie hat’ now so no one you respect will recognize you and mock you for watching a movie by yourself. That’s why edibles are garbage, man. Kids need to smoke real weed. Simplify your life, bros. Drop of all your hassles, brofilinis.”

While many believe that owning a special “movie fedora” is a perfectly acceptable side effect to consuming marijuana regularly, some more lame and wanker-like residents in the area don’t care for marijuana at all. 

“I had a female friend who got weedy in a hot tub once,” said Dennis Moogsley, concerned citizen. “She got super pregnant. Like extra pregnant. Poor kid was born with seven arms and three dicks. Maybe that sort of layout is fun in the long run, but it’s bound to spook a lady while fooling around in the back of her mom’s Kia Rio.”

Fran Moonpeen, another concerned citizen, witnessed a strikingly similar incident.

“I had a male friend who got weedy in a jacuzzi once,” said Moonpeen. “He got super preggers. Immaculate conception birthed out the back end. Poor kid ended up being a Libertarian, which is basically the same as being mentally challenged. Kid thinks roads get paved magically on their own. That’s pot for ya. It’s a drug that fiddles with your diddles until you’re dead of stupidity.”

While science cannot yet prove that regular marijuana use causes people to fiddle their diddles until every living brain cell is destroyed, it can prove that the eleven teenagers who became ill after eating weed bears are total sellouts who should be named “Mark” because it rhymes with “narc”.

“Fucking cops, am I right?” said Sergeant Copson, his eyes now a deep and unnatural cherry red. “I got Chuck Norris movies, a case of Four Loco and a whole buncha real shitty Limp Bizkit albums! Holy shit, these gummy bears really work. They’re great! Great and terrible. I mean, they’re bad for your glutens. My glutens. Our googans. Googan’s Island. Noobins on my googins. Oh man. Does your tongue feel furry? Like there’s a cat living inside your mouth? No, INSIDE your mouth. Is it hot in here? I don’t feel so good.”

Two hours later, Sergeant Copson dialed 911 and requested to be taken to a hospital, where the nurses and doctors all snickered at him behind his back and talked about what a narc he was and quietly placed wagers on whether he’d start crying during the totally unnecessary visit, which was way more stressful and anxiety-inducing than sleeping it off at home like a pro.

Police say they have the name of the suspect who sold the weed bears. They’re still debating whether to raid his house and steal all his product or be more diplomatic and blackmail him into giving them freebies on the side.