The vast left-wing conspiracy against me

by Garrison Keillor

Joe Biden is following me. I go to lunch at Mickey’s Diner and he’s sitting two stools away, wearing a stocking cap and a fake mustache with a fake nose and glasses but he says, “Hey, how’s it going, fella?” It’s Joe Biden. So pathetic. Sad.
He is conducting a destabilization campaign against me, putting chemicals in my food that make me behave erratically. Why?
Because he and his secret cabal are terrified of what I represent.

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My guiding principle from the beginning has been Make Earth The Center Again. Not the sun. Earth First.

Ever since Pope Urban VIII failed to shut down Galileo and the fake science of Copernicus, Judeo-Christian civilization has been in steady decline. It’s the plain truth. That’s why the Pilgrims came to the New World, to escape solar-centrist ideology.

Solar power is killing us. This country is on the verge of collapse. We are up against powerful forces. Did you know that James Comey is actually Jimmy Hoffa? People are surprised when I point this out, but it’s true. Same first names, last names of five letters. Just a Coincidence? No way. “Comey” was Hoffa’s code name in his Teamster days, short for “Comrade.” He knew the only way to beat the FBI was to join it, and now he’s part of the secret cabal.

So are Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi — note that their first names have five letters — and what is even more shocking: They are the same person. That’s why you never see them arm in arm. 
S/he has a dream: to become the first transgender president of the United States and take the “Men” and “Women” signs off every toilet including the ones in your own home so that anyone can come into your home and use the toilet for as long as they please, no matter who else needs to use it, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That’s why Biden and Jimmy and Schelosi are after me. Because 50 million people read my column every week. Fifty million. It’s the most-read column in American journalism since Robert Ripley’s “Believe It or Not” — that’s why I am paid $500 million a year and travel in a private train and am surrounded by heavy security at all times.

Here’s what happened after President Trump fired off a tweet accusing former president Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower before the 2016 election. (Monica Akhtar/The Washington Post) 
Everywhere I go, people tell me they love my column — black people, Mexicans, Jews, women, people of all ages — and everyone I meet asks me, “Why not the front page? Why are you stuck back in Op-Ed? It’s so sad.”
I’m in Op-Ed with all the wackos because the Deep State is out to undermine my credibility. But the fact is: I have been right all along. About everything. It all happened exactly as I said it would.
The Holy Father wrote to me recently, “You are molto perfecto, mio babbino caro. Infallibilissimo!” He knows the church made a big mistake not cutting Galileo’s head off when they had the chance. Liberals have always wanted mankind to feel marginal, an accident of evolution, not the center. The whole environmental “movement” is based on instilling a sense of unimportance in people, that we’re just mammals.

Liberals call humanocentricity “narcissism,” I call it self-esteem. Because that’s exactly what it is.
I could quit the fight and enjoy a very nice life on one of my many luxury properties but I fight on. Because I am the only one who knows the danger we are in right now. True!
To protect our liberties, we may need to take emergency measures. Congress may need to be shut down. Some Supreme Court justices are showing signs of reduced cognitive ability and may need to be disappeared. There’s no other way to do it.
If one week you notice that my column is missing from this paper, you will know that I’ve been captured. I will need all 50 million of you to park bumper to bumper on the nearest freeway and honk your horns continuously. That may be the only way to accomplish what needs to be done.
Joe Biden is sitting and looking at me as I write this and he is reading these words in the reflection off my glasses. My coffee tastes funny. I hear a high-pitched humming sound. I feel insects crawling up my leg. This may be my last message for a while. I love you all. You are beautiful. It is a better thing I do now than I have ever done.