Nation devastated after third straight year of mediocre Super Bowl commercials

Paul Ryan

After yet another Super Bowl filled with bizarre, incredibly unfunny commercials, Americans are revolting. Violent protests and random acts of anarchy are burning brightly in nearly every city in the nation as citizens finally found an issue on which they’re willing to risk it all.

Throughout the years, Americans have peacefully co-existed with unconstitutional torture, drones that deliver death sentences without due process, careless bombings of civilians in the Middle East, the illegal surveillance of the entire nation’s private communications, repeated police killings of minorities, and a ban on Muslim immigrants who won’t convert to Christianity. Yet mediocre Super Bowl commercials was the issue that finally drove the country to rise up.

“I fucking hate that Yellow Tail kangaroo commercial, and I can’t take it anymore!” said Regina Farkas as she threw a molotov cocktail through the window of a department store. “Anarchy! Burn the whole nation to the ground! No one wants to pet your fucking roo, you fascist animatronic Showbiz Pizza looking piece of shit!”

While many experts believe the four days of vicious riots are the result of numerous pent up frustrations that have been boiling beneath America’s surface for years, few could have predicted that subpar advertising would be the final straw that made the civility of capitalism unbearable for the average citizen.

“Justin Bieber’s glasses look stupid! Who does he think he is, Iris Apfel?!” shouted 59-year-old Walter Brown, eloquently referencing the 95-year-old fashionista before smashing open an ATM with his baseball bat. “Was he cosplaying as John Candy in National Lampoon’s Vacation? Was the moose out front supposed to tell us the amusement park is closed? I don’t understand this life anymore! I’ve had enough and I need to kill everything I see!”

The drought of funny Super Bowl advertisements is the longest in the nation’s history, with nearly three years having passed since the last mildly amusing one. As a result, scientists have moved the doomsday clock forward yet again, from two and a half minutes from midnight to 11:59:59, the closest it’s been to global annihilation since 1953.

Hack writers fled the country in droves to protect themselves, but some didn’t make it out in time.

“I wrote the Spuds MacKenzie dead dog commercial, and I’m sorry for ruining America!” shouted Kent Davis of Blatzky Marketing, tears streaming down his face as the military escorted him to the border in an armored Humvee. “I didn’t know! just phoned it in to get some quick cash. I thought it was clever that his soul couldn’t rest if people weren’t perpetually drunk. Now thousands are dead and it’s all the fault of my shitty writing!”

Seconds later, the mob flipped over the Humvee and set it on fire, burning alive everyone within it.

Bald men wearing earrings that haven’t been fashionable since 1997 had an especially difficult week, as many members of the unruly mob mistook them for Mr. Clean. The intensely sexual cartoon character’s Super Bowl commercial, in which he wildly thrusted his pelvis for a drunken housewife while both physically and metaphorically mopping her floor, was widely considered the worst commercial this year.

“There he is, it’s Mr. Clean! Hang him by his neck until he’s dead!” shouted a random anarchist, mistakenly pointing a crowd of delinquents toward Rick Harrison of the TV show ‘Pawn Stars’, who had briefly left his condo to walk his dog. “Where’s your tight white fuck me pants, you sick fucking gigolo! You’re the worst of them all! Everybody get him before he delivers hot man beef injections to more stereotypically sex-starved female characters!”

Once the mob realized who they had actually lynched in the center of town, most of them shrugged and agreed that the mistake wasn’t a huge loss. Now in day four of the nationwide purging, the irrational anger of Americans is showing no signs of letting up. The violence is increasing every day.

“Why is Morgan Freeman doing a commercial for a Turkish airline? It makes no goddamn sense!” screeched Sara Childress as she set a live baby on fire and threw it at an approaching line of National Guardsmen. “He doesn’t live in Turkey! He doesn’t vacation in Turkey! Even citizens of Turkey don’t like Turkey! It’s a country run by a brutal dictator! Nothing makes sense anymore! Everything I thought was normal is dead! Dead like my soul!”

Yet even members of the military trying to keep the peace agreed with some of the complaints of the unruly mob.

“What was happening in that Busch commercial? Buschhhhhhhhhh. It sounded like he was farting,” said Army Major Nancy Ryan, referencing a lazy, dumb commercial where a recently opened beer can won’t stop making a hissing sound. “Is that what’s going to happen if I drink their beer? I’m going to thunder fart so loud and so long that no one within twenty feet of me will be able to hold a proper conversation? Who’s going to buy a beer whose tagline is ‘Clear a Room Tonight’? I have to keep the peace, but I don’t really blame the rioters. These were some pretty shitty commercials.”