Original script for ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ recovered

Paul Ryan

The Duluth Reader has uncovered a rare gem, discovering the first draft of Charles Schulz’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” television special while cleaning behind their toilet. We’re proud to present it to you unedited. This is the real version Schulz wrote before CBS censored it. Enjoy!

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and piss all over it. If getting free shit makes you depressed, maybe it’s time to end it all.

Charlie: Wow. Aren’t you the religious one? That’s pretty cold, brah.

Linus: Just because I’m religious doesn’t mean I’m a pussy, Charlie Brown. You know which hardware stores sell rope. No need to tell me about it. Either do it or stop being a drama queen.

Charlie: My own friend wants me dead! Just the present I needed! Good grief!

Linus: Whatever. You do this every year, Charlie Brown. You’re just looking for attention. Let me know when you’re done whining so we can talk about Rogue One.

Charlie: I haven’t seen it yet. I’m waiting until Christmas to watch it with my family.

Linus: Jesus Christ, Chuck. This is why nobody likes you.

Charlie: I know nobody likes me. I didn’t even get any Christmas cards this year. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season.

Linus: Unless you’re ninety years old and in a nursing home, I don’t know why you’re expecting Christmas cards in the mail. Look, I’m gonna go home and act like an eight-year-old instead of standing out here pretending I’m 43 and divorced.

Charlie: Thanks for talking me through this, LInus. You’re a good friend.

Linus: Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown. I hope you’re rich when you grow up, because there is zero chance of you not becoming a drug addict.

Charlie Brown is directing the Christmas play. He attempts to get everyone’s attention, but all the kids are busy smoking vape pens.

Schroeder: I use sativas as my daily driver. White Widow is a hybrid that fits general purposes, while Trainwreck is more intense for when I want an energy boost. It can make you a little paranoid if you’re not careful, though.

Lucy: God, you’re awful. I can’t believe I used to like you! Do you know how boring it is listening to someone talk about weed? Just enjoy it and shut the hell up like a normal person. Otherwise you’ll never get laid and grow up all bitter at society.

Schroeder: I can talk about other things. For instance, I have a Raspberry Pi that I installed game emulators on, and I’m inviting over a bunch of friends for a retro gaming night. It’ll be a good excuse to introduce people to this new strain I found called Chernobyl. It’s so good!

Lucy: I should slam your dick in this piano to keep you from disappointing girls you meet in the future.

Charlie: All right, that’s it! Pass around some goddamn Adderall. We’re going to do this play right. Frieda, you’ll be playing the Inkeeper’s wife.

Frieda: Do inkeepers’ wives have naturally curly hair?

Charlie: I don’t give a shit about your hair. Pigpen, you’re the Inkeeper because you’re the only person Frieda won’t sleep with. Lucy, you can play the Christmas Queen because I’m tired and don’t feel like dealing with your bullshit. Snoopy, you’re not a person so get the hell out of here. Act like a normal dog and go sleep in your crate for 10 hours while I do fun things by myself. Nobody goes home until our play doesn’t suck! I’m taking control, you asswipes!

Linus: Boy, you sure were a tyrant today, Charlie Brown.

Charlie: Fuck those people. I’m going to buy the shittiest tree for the play just to mess with them. Here, let’s get this dead one.

Linus: Charlie Brown, don’t you know what Christmas is really about?

Charlie: It seems like it’s about putting up with an endless amount of bullshit from people dumber than me.

Linus: “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, goodwill toward men.” That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown punches Linus square in the nose, dislocating one of his eyeballs.

Linus: What the fuck! You piece of shit!

Charlie: Sorry! I didn’t mean to! That’s just a natural reflex I have when people try to talk to me about Jesus.

Linus begins choking Charlie Brown with his blanket, releasing him only when one of the veins in his neck permanently turns blue.

Linus: I warned you I’m not a pushover. At least now you’ll stop bitching for three whole minutes.

Charlie: Linus?

Linus: What.

Charlie: Merry Christmas.

Linus: Go fuck yourself, Charlie Brown.