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The supermoon was out in full force Sunday night, the closest it will orbit to Earth in 2016. As we do each year, the Duluth Reader is providing this public service announcement that erectile disfunction, a normal part of each supermoon cycle, will be widespread this week. Please adjust your penis-related activities accordingly.
“Much as the end of daylight savings leads to darker evenings, the appearance of a supermoon leads to uncharacteristic erectile disfunction,” said scientist Braun Colby. “It’s a fact. It’s all very scientific and complicated, but it has to do with the tides, their distance to the moon and sciencey things like that. It’s perfectly normal and happens to every man, not just a few. It’s not us, it’s the supermoon.”
While difficult to explain without extensive charts and graphs far too complicated for this publication, the phenomenon is very, very legitimate. Every single man on the planet who attempts to copulate this week will find themselves devastatingly flaccid. No matter how much they try not to think about it or how many anti-anxiety medications they take to cure themselves of it, the best for which a man can hope this week is to achieve semi-limpness, like one of those inflatable wacky waving arm-flailing air dancers placed outside auto dealerships.
Studies show that the harder a man tries not to think about how the supermoon will leave him a wilted embarrassment to his significant other, the more shrunken and disappointing he’ll become, leading to an even tinier and more humiliating presentation for the only person in his life right now willing to begrudgingly sleep with him. And if this significant other leaves him, who knows if he’ll ever get it up again?
If a man is dating someone new whom they’ve only recently become intimate with, they’ll do especially poorly, possibly even breaking down and crying right in front of their sexual partner. There’s no escaping this fate. The person reading this very column right now is going to have tremendous trouble maintaining an erection tonight, and there’s absolutely nothing they can do to get that idea out of their heads.
“Again, it’s the supermoon,” said Colby, becoming increasingly frustrated as the conversation continues to elongate in a way he cannot. “It’s happening to everyone, not just me. I don’t understand why this is so amusing. Science is not amusing, it’s rigid and firm. We should all be quite fascinated by the physics, not narrowly focusing on the humorous aspects. The supermoon is a wonder of nature, and this side effect is a part of that fascinating and magical journey. And it’s happening to everyone. It’s not just me, goddamn it.”
“It’s perfectly normal,” added Colby without being prompted. “I am normal.”
For those looking to calm their anxiety and turn off the section of their brain that will make them floppy in the bedroom, studies show that drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana won’t take your mind off how you’re going to completely fail at lovemaking. In fact, alcohol and drugs will actually make your feeble manhood even more worthy of pointing at and laughing. Drooping like an old burlap sack full of half-melted Hershey’s Kisses, even just one drink or one marijuanas could cause your phallus to retract indefinitely, permanently ruining any chance you may have of leading a normal sexual life.
“Just don’t overthink it,” said psychologist Jennifer Binkins. “The less you focus on your imminent failure to get an erection, the less likely you are to have devastating malfunction problems in your penicular region. Some people get so worked up that they’ll actually hear the sound of my voice saying those exact words right at the moment of coitus. Imminent failure to get an erection. Devastating malfunction problems. Imminent failure to get an erection. Just like that! It’s really funny how the human brain works.”
“Stop it! Just stop it!” said Colby, slamming his opened palm against the table several times. “We’ve been over this. It’s the damned supermoon! There’s no escaping it. We are all doomed like the denizens of Rome, but only for a limited time. Soon this magical quirk of science will pass and boy will we make up for lost time then. You won’t even know what got into us. Just you wait. The thunder shall return!”
Sunday’s supermoon was the closest the moon has orbited to Earth since 1948. Only moon passes within 90% of the closest range each year qualify as a supermoon. Astrologer Richard Nolle first invented the term in 1979 when he was eating a burrito outside a gas station restroom with his friend Larry. The rest of the scientific community uses the name perigee-syzygy, which is pig latin for “spiffy moon”.
“Can we not talk about this anymore?” said Colby, furiously rearranging papers on his desk to infer how busy he is. “It’s the same story every year, the same facts and details. You already know why it happens. I don’t see a need to dwell on it endlessly. Someday we’ll all look back on this supermoon and never speak of it again. Ever.”