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The wind blows softly through Janine Garvey’s coffee-colored hair, causing a few curly strands to stray across her face. It’s a beautiful morning in Ohio, full of blue skies and sunny weather, but Garvey seems unmoved. She merely stares vacantly into the distance, the wind slowly rocking her chair back and forth.

“I don’t know what those bastards did or said in that presidential debate, but she’s been sitting like that ever since,” said Elizabeth Garvey, pointing to her 20-year-old daughter rocking back and forth ever so gently on the porch. “I even made her some of my famous pepperoni Hot Pockets, but she won’t touch them. She just wants to sit in that damn chair staring into the horrible abyss that was once our democracy.”

Scott Choe, a freshman at the University of Minnesota, was also mentally broken by the recent debate, locking himself in his dorm room for nearly 72 hours afterward, curled into the fetal position and muttering Bernie Sanders slogans to himself over and over again.

“I thought he was jacking it,” said roommate David Thompkins. “It seemed like a pretty epic jack. Turns out he’s just really depressed. After waiting 18 years to vote, he’s only allowed to choose between the two worst human beings who ever lived. It’s like being promised a fancy dinner and then someone takes you to Hardee’s. Here man, choose between this shit sandwich or this western BBQ shit sandwich. Guaranteed diarrhea.”

Sunday’s second presidential debate was so shart-smearingly awful that it may have caused brain damage to the majority of viewers. Roughly 114.7 million Americans refilled their anti-anxiety medications simultaneously Sunday night, causing a meltdown of the nation’s pharmacies.

Donald Trump’s endless nagging over bland scandals voters don’t care about, combined with Hillary Clinton’s obnoxious insistence that we visit her website to save her the trouble of explaining even a single one of her ideas to fix America, created a clusterfuck of junior high school debate club nincompoopery. The event was so brutally moronic that many businesses closed Monday to give employees time to recover.

Voters dealt with the stress in different ways. Fred Armster of Duluth, Minnesota was found milking a cow in a barn Monday morning.

“After seeing how terrible that debate was, I made the decision to start milking cows by hand again,” said Armster, a local tax attorney who owns no farm or livestock. “After that toilet show, I needed life to be simple again. There’s a certain calming feel to milking a cow. So squishy. I wish I could do this all day, but that farmer guy’s gonna come back pretty soon and he doesn’t like me very much.”

Jenny Burris, a nurse from Ohio, was found chopping down a utility pole outside her home with an axe after viewing the debate.

“I know now where all these terrible feelings I’ve been having are coming from,” said Burris. “It’s this evil electricity running through my home. Without TV or the internet in my house, I’d probably just tend to my garden and get laid a lot. That existence sounds a lot better than what I saw tonight.”

The only person whose mental state wasn’t in ruins after watching the presidential debate was Dan Kowalski, a heroin addict from California. Kowalski said he was “super stoked” after spending 90 minutes watching the candidates measure their flaccid dongs while smugly grinning into the camera.

“I feel great, really optimistic and refreshed,” said Kowalski, who doesn’t currently know what day it is and is squatting in a studio apartment with 10 roommates. “I honestly have never felt better about our country. The cokehead guy with the silly wig is neat, and that granny who looks so angry all the time is also super neat! I love them both, and I hope they both just have a super weekend! Like, a really thumbs up weekend. I love heroin.”

Kowalski then excused himself to use the toilet. He slept there for the next eight hours.

Much like the heroin addict, America’s two mentally deranged candidates thought they did really well in the debate that nearly crippled an entire nation’s spirit.

“It was a very, very good debate. Very good,” said Trump, pacing back and forth like an idiot for no reason. “I did everything I wanted to do. I sniffed loudly into the microphone like a boob, I didn’t make fun of any fat people in the town hall - and there were a lot - and I only adjusted my balls once the entire debate. Very, very presidential.”

“It was great!” said Clinton, smiling like a deranged lunatic. “Did you see the part where they asked me to say one nice thing about him and I said I liked his kids? Ha! What a dodge that was! Fuck that guy and his dumb kids! I hope they all die tomorrow! By natural causes, of course.”

The third and final presidential debate will take place Oct. 19. Nearly half of Americans are expected to commit mass suicide shortly afterward.