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Christian Elmore, age 24, known only by work colleagues as “the goddamn guy who plays goddamn trance music at his desk without goddamn headphones”, has been found dead. His body was discovered in a dumpster behind a jackoff magazine store, where it was being devoured by raccoons.
“Unce unce unce unce umpa umpa unce unce unce,” said co-worker Jane Henderson. “All fucking day. I cannot fathom what sort of horrible child abuse he must have suffered through to think weird thumping sounds and high-pitched, computer generated fart noises could be a song. Someone should burn his desk. It’s the only way to remove the infection.”
Elmore, who was otherwise a shy, pleasant person who never bothered anyone, quickly became the most hated person in the office when he started blasting electronic music throughout the work day. Other workers couldn’t complain for fear of having management ban everyone from playing music. Instead, they tried more subtle approaches.
“I spent an entire hour blasting Ace of Base’s ‘I Saw the Sign’ on a loop just to drown out his trance shit,” said Manny Paceda, who worked in the cubicle next to Elmore. “That son of a bitch just rolled with it, and it actually paid off. It sounded pretty good. The melody and the beats complimented each other quite well. God, I wish he were still alive so I could kick him in the groin right now.”
Co-workers also tried pouring drinks on his chair when he visited the restroom, discreetly spitting in his hair while walking behind him, and even sending him emails from an anonymous address telling him he was making everyone in the office mentally retarded. All these attempts failed to stop Elmore’s addiction. The only method that worked was when one employee dropped a roofie in Elmore’s coffee, putting him to sleep long enough to delete Spotify from his computer and change the parental controls. But the next day, the music returned.
While no one in the office has admitted to murdering Elmore, at least 20 employees have expressed deep sadness that someone else murdered him before they could. Ten additional employees called the coroner’s office to ask if they could pay a bribe to punch Elmore in the face a few times before he’s buried. Police have not attempted to find the killer.
“Our department is pretty shorthanded right now, and it’s just hard to justify investigating a murder when we can’t find a single person who’s upset that he’s dead,” said Lead Detective Valerie Dangle. “We called his parents, his brother, even distant relatives. Nobody could stand him. He was so addicted to mediocrity that he allowed his terrible taste in music to ruin his life.”
Shockingly, there is a small group of people who listen to this garbage dump of a musical genre. These unfortunate misfits, called Tranceamericans, join together to protect others afflicted by this incurable disease. It’s unknown how many people are stricken by this twisted love of dumb electronic whistling sounds and static-filled digital queefs, but estimates show the number could be as high as 14 people worldwide. A movement has started to protect this new subspecies of humanity like endangered wildlife.
“We don’t want to hurt them or lock them away, we just want to find a place where Transamericans can live without annoying the shit out of others,” said Norman Cook, a former Transamerican who has since recovered. “Fatboy Slim was my Transamerican name, but that life is far in my past. I haven’t released a trance album since 2010, and now I work 50 hours per week as a manager at Kmart. I’m making the big bucks now, and getting laid three or four times per month! I want to use my newfound success to help others like me.”
While other Transamericans shouldn’t expect to be pulling the same amount of ass as top shelf Kmart ballers, Cook believes he can use his vast middle-management riches to purchase an island where trance music lovers can play their bowel movement inducing turd beats without bothering more successful human beings.
The island, a half-melted glacier off the coast of Iceland, would provide a place where more obnoxious humans would be safe from the same tragic fate as Elmore. Perhaps the best part about the plan is the glacier will completely melt within 20 years, drowning everyone in the world who likes terrible music.
Sadly, this breakthrough is still too late to help Elmore’s co-workers, some of whom are now permanently damaged after valiantly trying to save him by leaving anonymous passive aggressive notes on his desk calling him an asshole.
“It’s been three days since he died, and I still can’t get that obnoxious music out of my head,” said Tobias Dent, who sat in the cubicle next to Elmore. “Does this mean I have tinnitus? I heard that stuff is like HIV for your ears. It never goes away! It’s like he’s literally haunting me from beyond the grave. Goddamn you to hell, Christian.”