Fitness instructor really just escaped mental patient

Paul Ryan

Crossfit Pilates Ass Kickers Thunderdome Yoga Gym is apologizing to customers after a police raid resulted in the arrest of 37 of their fitness instructors and personal trainers. Police claim the popular instructors - renowned for their intensity and motivation skills - are actually just escaped mental patients who would be completely unemployable in any other profession.

“You’d think people would stay away from personal trainers known for humiliating and berating their clients, but it seems that reputation only makes them more wildly successful,” said Sergeant Tom Chadwick. “It’s almost as if people who are obsessed with health and fitness are a bit deranged themselves.”

Recent studies show that nearly 98 percent of personal trainers are violent demented masochists, much in the same way that most clergy members are casual supporters of pedophilia and most police officers think African Americans are holding a gun.

Police are cracking down on fitness centers throughout the city after a shocking incident last week in which one instructor fed a 32-year-old woman to a live tiger as punishment for eating a dry bagel for breakfast. The trainer’s lawyer argues that his client, who is very serious about carbs, was merely doing his job and the victim “is now much thinner than before, as promised.”

Customers of the gym seemed oddly unfazed by the news.

“I guess that explains why every personal trainer I’ve ever had was a screeching, psychotic nutjob,” said gym member Maria Santos. “While I’m shocked to hear that Aran, my favorite trainer, once killed 47 people in an Austrian concentration camp, I guess I’m not really that shocked. He pushed me pretty hard on those squat thrusts.”

News organizations like our own tried in vain to find an opposing point of view amongst gym regulars, but found that nearly every one of them has an intense case of Stockholm Syndrome.

“Oh no, this is terrible! Please tell me Antonio is still there,” said Laurel Bree, referring to a trainer arrested for serial killing a dozen different prostitutes over the past three months. “If I don’t text him every four hours to let him know how many kegels I’ve done, he’ll make me cut myself again.”

Police are warning the public against using the gym’s three remaining instructors, all of whom are suspected of being equally unstable psychopaths who just haven’t broken the law yet. All it may take to make them snap is one foolish person politely inquiring about the complimentary gym bag they were supposed to receive upon joining. Despite widespread warnings, the gym claims business has increased 4,000 percent since the arrests.

“Finish this rep or I’ll stomp your sad, limp manhood out of its misery!” shouted Namaste, an unhinged Russian mail order bride who’s suspected of killing and eating the man who ordered her. “Push it, bitch! Twenty more reps or I spit on you again!”

On the other side of the room, another suspected felon helped a woman get into shape for bikini season.

“No worry, Rolondo make you sexy in time for sexy season,” said Salas Rolondo, a 28-year-old who was allegedly forced out of a Mexican drug cartel after murdering an entire village of children. “Fix posture! I do not have patience for failure! You will succeed or Rolondo will return you to Earth as dust so God can reincarnate you into better human.”

Rolondo, a former homeless man who was banned from public transit after attacking three separate bus drivers with pinking shears, said legally torturing people is much more fun than committing genocide.

“Rolondo like 9-to-5, relax after work,” said Rolondo. “With ethnic cleanse, Rolondo always traveling, avoiding capture. But in fitness trainer job, customer torture themselves. Rolondo just yell and sometimes throw lazy customer down flight of stairs to motivate. Rolondo like stairs.”

Dijon Bollucks, owner of Crossfit Pilates Ass Kickers Thunderdome Yoga Gym, said it’s perfectly normal for gym members to be utterly terrified of their instructors. Fear and cowering are excellent warmups for the thunderous beatings that pass as modern exercise.

“Look, everyone who joins a gym really hates themselves,” said Bollucks. “They hate this gym, they hate leaving the house, they hate exercising, they hate my dumb meathead face and all this fake enthusiasm I have for evolving my body into a gross, warped-looking testicle. They hate how I walk around the locker room nude and ask them about their kid’s piano recital while my flaccid dong hangs a few inches away from them. But that hate is what keeps these chuds coming back. If we were friendly and polite and didn’t continue charging their credit cards for months after they cancel their membership, they’d go find someone else to beat them because they think they deserve it. It’s pretty hilarious, to be honest. They could literally just do pushups and situps at home for free!”

“By the way, are you thinking about joining?” added Bollucks. “You’re looking a bit tubby over there. Maybe if you bulk up, your ugly girlfriend will stop sleeping around on you. No? What if I promise to give you this free gym bag?”