Dog’s birthday party way better than owner’s

Paul Ryan

Standing room in the workplace was scarce Thursday, and the overwhelming number of balloons and streamers made visibility difficult for the massive mob of partygoers celebrating the birthday of Peanut Butter, a 3-year-old mini pinscher. Nearly 50 people attended the workplace birthday bash, showing an intimate and heartfelt love for the popular dog on his special day.

The wild orgy of fun and drunken shenanigans shook the floors and rattled the walls until nearly four in the morning, when police confiscated the well-stocked open bar, arrested all 15 prostitutes hired for the event, and ordered workers to evacuate the office.

The birthday of Bernard Bennigan, Peanut Butter’s owner, was celebrated a few weeks earlier, but was a far more modest affair. Bennigan was greeted at his desk by a single bag of fun sized M&Ms taped inside a greeting card. The card was signed only by his boss.

“What the crap?” said Bennigan, who’s allergic to chocolate. “My birthday was a month ago. Somebody’s dick is loose. Hello! I’m an actual person, goddamn it! I’ve worked here for seven years!”

Presents at Peanut Butter’s party ranged from expensive high-end toys to luxury dog houses handmade by employees over months of time. Workers and top brass alike agreed to forgo the entire workday for the dog’s birthday celebration, to ensure Peanut Butter had the happiest possible day.
Workers who attended the beloved dog’s party had trouble remembering Bennigan’s name, often mistaking him for one of the caterers. Four different complaints about Bennigan’s inability to keep the chips and salsa stocked were filed to human resources over the course of the evening.

“Who? I don’t know anyone named Bernard,” said Ashley Lincoln, an attractive co-worker that Bennigan had been sheepishly making awkward conversation with for nearly a year. “Oh, Peanut Butter knows him. Am I supposed to say something? I mean, I’ve never even met the guy. Whatever. I’m just going to play with the dog and then leave without saying hello, like I always do.”

As professional carnies inflated a giant bouncy castle and gourmet caterers delivered a dog-friendly birthday cake with Peanut Butter’s photo customized on it, Bennigan remained confused as to where these items came from. The photo of his dog on the cake was not one he took himself or knew existed beforehand.

“I’ve never seen that photo of my dog before in my life,” said Bennigan. “I don’t understand. Did someone take my dog to the park and play with him while I was in the bathroom or something? He looks really happy and content, like he was having the time of his life. What the hell, man.”

Employees explained that despite being a dog, Peanut Butter is a valued member of the company, so they’ve been planning these little birthday surprises for months. They feel it’s important to ensure talented team members feel loved, like they’re part of a close-knit family.

“You don’t skimp on someone’s birthday, no matter who they are,” said Amber Leone, who did not attend or acknowledge Bennigan’s birthday in any way. “It’s a birthday, for crying out loud. It’s that person’s one day for the year. We’re a family here, and we don’t leave anyone out. No one at all. I love Peanut Butter! He’s my little sweetums, yes he is!”

When asked about the owner of the dog, Leone said Peanut Butter doesn’t have an owner, and is just an “office dog” that the heads of the company let roam around during the work day.

Even the company’s top brass attended the party, presenting Peanut Butter with a beautifully designed plaque to honor his contributions to the company.

“I hereby declare today to be Peanut Butter Day across all 10 branches of my company!” said Malik Aswad, CEO. “Each year on this day, all employees will be required to personally wish Peanut Butter a happy birthday and bake him cookies. Anyone caught bringing in store bought cookies will be hung by their neck until they’re dead.”

The ensuing cheer from the crowd was deafening, lasting a full four minutes before breaking into changes of the dog’s name.

“Is that the head of the entire company?” said Bennigan, a forlorn mixture of anger and genuine disbelief betraying his faux indifference. “I don’t remember him dropping off a gift for my birthday. To hell with these people! I’m honestly thinking about quitting. They’d better start being a lot nicer to me.”

Owners of the company say Bennigan will likely be let go during the next round of layoffs, but assured employees that Peanut Butter’s contract would be renewed indefinitely.

“This dog belongs to all of us,” said Aswad. “Since no owner seems to exist, or is so lacking in charisma that no one knows he exists, we’ve decided to take turns keeping Peanut Butter at our homes. Celebrate and rejoice, my friends! Peanut Butter the dog belongs to us, and to hell with any douchepies who claim otherwise!”